Reckless // Matthew Espinosa

Chapter 16

It was Friday night. The whole week was a mess. Matt and I didn't even look at each other. In class, we wouldn't talk. We would scoot away from each other. During lunch, it was just Chelsea, Taylor, Shawn, Hayes, and myself. Matt was upset with Shawn as well. Poor Shawn had done nothing wrong. I was ruining their friendship.

The whole week, I walked home by myself. Some days Chelsea would walk home with me. I told her what had happened, but not how I felt. She said that Matt was jealous. She said that he was protective over me. Was he? No, he was Matt Espinosa. Matt Espinosa, the most popular guy in school. Everyone's dream guy. Any girl would kill to have spent the moments that I did with Matt.

I was stressed. I was so stressed with everything. My anxiety was getting worse. I was very upset with myself. And what hurt the most was that the day after Matt and I fought, he asked out Cara. He partly did this out of anger. But also felt like she was better than me. Who wouldn't want to be Cara?

I, myself, wished to have the features Cara did. Cara had long blonde hair. It was wavy, but naturally curled at the bottom. As for me? Well I have wavy light brown hair.  Her eyes were a mixture of yellow, blue, and green. Me? My eyes were barely a light brown. If I was lucky, sometimes you would see a bit of red, blue, and green in my eyes. Her skin wasn't too pale, and it wasn't too tan. Me? My skin was a little tan, barely. But it wasn't what I wanted. Her body was skinny. She had the hourglass figure. Her legs were flawless. Me? In my eyes, I wasn't skinny. My legs were horrendous. Cara was tall. She could be a model. I was short. I was 5'3.  Cara was perfect. I was imperfect.

I wasn't okay. It wasn't because Matt got a girlfriend. It was because I felt lonely. Sure Chelsea was there for me as well as the others. I wanted Matt to be there for me. He wasn't. He could careless if I died. Besides that, I was insecure. Chelsea was perfect. Cara was perfect. What was I? I was worthless.

This all brings me to where I am now. It was after my date with Shawn. It was fun. I felt like we were hanging out as friends. And I think Shawn then realized that. And so I thought everything was fine. We were bowling and eating pizza. But then Matt and Cara showed up. Matt took one look at me that night. Otherwise, he was hugging and kissing and teasing Cara. He would let her win. He would make her feel like she meant something. I needed that.

I sat on the lid of the toilet. I wasn't doing the right thing. I told Matt that I was okay that one night I told him my story. But I lied. I was never once okay. This was the 7th time that I had pressed the blade into my lower stomach. I slide it across my skin, making a cut. The pain felt good. Blood was dripping all over my stomach. My hands were covered in blood. I cried for every cut I made. Not because the cut hurt, but because my heart hurt.

I washed blade, hiding it in my hiding place. I took napkins to soak the blood. Once I had stopped bleeding, I pulled my shirt down. I wiped my tears, but they kept spilling out of my eyes. I was becoming a wreck again.

I crawled into bed. I lied down carefully. I pulled the blanked over myself. All I could hear was my mind pleading. Help me. Someone save me. Someone tell that it will be okay. That this is just a bad dream. I need Matt. I need him more than anything. And with those thoughts, I slept.

-

Today was Saturday. I woke up at 9 am. Now it was 11 am. I just lied in bed. I had no reason to get out of bed. I stared at my ceiling. I remembered the time that Matt complimented the ceilings in my house.