Here to Stay || Ashton Irwin (completed)

Chapter 11

Ashton stopped going to school after he shaved his head. His mom and him decided it would be easier to not deal with all the people and teachers and talk. I couldn't be more thrilled. My lonely afternoons had turned into hours of movie marathons including thrillers and romantic comedies. We spent a large percentage of those afternoons stuffing our faces and yelling at the tv and laughing together. The mornings were basically pointless and because everyday was now basically Saturday, we slept in well into the late morning. Ashton's mom still went to work as did his dad and we mostly had the house to ourselves. However when they were home, they doted on him like a baby making it a quiet afternoon for me.

We were sitting on the couch on a Wednesday afternoon when Ashton brought it up again.

"I really do appreciate you not leaving me alone," he whispered as Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn pulled yet another lie in the ever funny movie Wedding Crashers. 

"Ash, we've been over this a thousand times," I whined.

"But Emma, really, I like our relationship," my heart stopped at his choice of words. I knew he hadn't meant it like that, but I couldn't help but hide my blush at the hope of it. "Like we get along so well and you're so great to be around. You keep me positive and you keep me happy. Not to mention you're gorgeous," his voice trailed off.

I bit my lip and looked away, even in death, not able to take a damn compliment. But I also knew my thoughts on this, despite what my heart was begging. It would be so easy to just give in already. Tell him how I adored the way his hair flopped to the side in the morning when we woke up or the way the one side of his mouth wouldn't quite move with the other or how each time his dimples poked through I was filled with a weird sensation of happiness. If it weren't so selfish of me, that would be the first thing out of my mouth, but instead I had to go the easy friendzone way out.

"I enjoy spending time with you too," I told him, smiling.

He smiled for a second, but it faded quicker that it had appeared. He turned his attention back to the tv and I examined his profile. Honestly I still hadn't gotten used to him without hair. Even when we hadn't been friends, he had always had really stand outish style and it was popular among girls to talk about how 'hot' his hair was. And now it was gone. I found myself wondering what those girls would say now. My eyes traveled down his head to his eyes. They fiercly remained on the tv as if he were straining to keep his focus there. From there, they traveled down his nose to his jaw, which was set rather tightly. Every time he swallowed it was done with much force and a lot of effort.

"Are you ok-"

"Bullshit," he said sharply, his eyes remaining fixed on the tv.

"What?" I asked, suddenly very confused by his curt outburst.

"Bull. Shit," he said again even more forward than before.

I shook my head, "I don't know what you mean."

He rolled his eyes and chuckled sarcastically, "You know exactly what I mean."

I was getting offended now. "No actually, I don't," I huffed, "Would you like to enlighten me?"

He ran his hand over his head, as he used to when he had hair. It rested on the back of his neck and he finally turned his head to look at me. All kindness was gone from his eyes, instead replaced by annoyance.

"Ashton, if I said something wr-"

He cut me off again, "It's not what you said, it's what you didn't say."

I looked at him, waiting for him to continue.

"I always say things and you always avoid them," I opened my mouth, but he raised a finger, "No please don't interrupt. That day in the coffee shop, I basically told you of my feelings for you and you completely disregarded it. I know that's not how you feel. I know you have mutual feelings for me, what's so frustrating is that you won't admit it to me, you won't even admit it to yourself."

"That's not true," I fought back, trying to keep my voice low, despite us having the house to ourselves, "You can't just assume that because I don't share the same feelings."

"Bullshit again! I see the way you look at me. Friends don't look at each other like that Emma. I would know, it's the same way I look at you."

I ran a hand through my hair, my eyes burned with the threat of oncoming tears, but I fought to control them. I looked at Ashton. His breathing was heavy as he waited for me to say something. I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out.

"Just tell me Emma, tell me what you really think of me please. I don't have all the time in the world to play these mind games with you. Just tell me the truth," he begged.

"I," I stuttered, "I-I just."

"You just, what?" He pressed.

"I just can't okay?" I was fuming now, tears coming in waves now. "I'm dead Ashton, I'm your dead friend. You can't have feelings for me, I can't have feelings for you!" I was screaming at this point. "I can't give you what a girlfriend should be able to give, I'm not alive. I'm not here. You're the only person who can see me."

"So what does that have to do with anything?"

"Don't you think it'd be weird? Candle lit dinners alone, romantic dramas solo in the theater?"

"No, because I know you'll be there."

I sighed in defeat. I gathered myself again, skimming through every other problem I thought of. I hated myself for resisting so much and I couldn't help but wonder why I had the need to so badly.

"Does it not bother you of our limitations then?"

He looked at me, this time waiting for me to continue.

"I can't hug you. We can't cuddle. We'll never have a first kiss. And the only way there's even a slight possibility of any of those things happening is if you get worse. And I already hate myself for being grateful that I can touch you because it's only bad news for you." I immediately clamped my hand over my mouth. I hadn't meant to throw that in there, simply because I still felt guilty for thinking it.

 Ashton just sat there staring at me. He licked his lips and looked down before making eye contact with me once more, "Emma," he whispered.

"I'm so sorry," I wiped my eyes and my nose, "I'm so so sorry, I didn't mean to I."

"Emma it's okay," he offered.

"No it's not okay! I want you to get worse so that I can hug you and kiss you! I've been wishing for that, do you know how fucked up that is? How fucked up that makes me? You don't deserve my selfishness, you don't deserve to have a shit ghost of me to deal with. I'm no good. I can't do that do you." I stood up and walked towards the window.

"Emma, where are you going?" He said, standing up to follow me.

"I don't know, I just need to get away for a while." His hand reached forwards and tugged on mine, begging me to turn around, to which I refused.

"You can't just leave me, you promised you'd stay," he whimpered, his voice cracking. I still forced myself to face the window away from him.

"I know I did."

"So you won't right."

I didn't answer. Instead, I ripped my hand out of his grip and moved through the wall. I fell to the grass beneath me and started walking away. Behind me I could hear the window open and Ashton calling my name from the second floor, but before long I was far enough away. When the sound of his voice calling after me was lost in the wind, I stopped walking, fell to my knees and cried. 

I had let him down. 

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im sorry it took so long for me to write this. i know where i want this story to go and i know the beginning and the end but i dont know the middle so hang tight. 

stay fab and dont forget to vote and comment xoxox -em