Here to Stay || Ashton Irwin (completed)

Chapter 22

I didn't return to the hopsital that night, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I could feel Ashton's resentment every single time I tried to walk back across the street. It had just rained and the air was cooler. I found a bench and sat down on it, putting my head in my hands. I let out a ragged breath and took a choppy deep one. 

Though I knew Ashton was dealing with a lot right now, I knew I was right about this whole thing. How could I have told him something like that. The severeness of it would've been too much, I couldn't have done that. 

I pondered through my thoughts a bit longer.

"Shit," I whispered as I hit a thought I was trying to suppress. My head shot up and I looked back at the hospital. I hadn't told him because I didn't want to hurt him more for myself. "I'm a terrible person," I sighed and put my head back down. I didn't want to admit it, but I couldn't bring him more bad news because I didn't know how to deal with it. 

As I sat there, the hours passing, I realized I hadn't gone to see my parents in weeks. Since my death, I had only been home twice and the rest of the time was spent near Ashton or at his side. I smiled, pushing my self up to my feet, at the thought of seeing my mom again. I thought back to the last time I had seen her, happily dancing with her therapist. As I passed through the familiar city, I hoped that she was still happy. It hurt to think her and my dad were no longer together but I hoped that this new decision made her happy. 

I neared my house, the familiar street unfolding before me, however, as I walked closer to my driveway, something seemed off. The two cars, one blue and one white, that usually sat in the driveway were gone. The lawn chairs which decorated the front porch had disapeared and the welcome mat had been removed from in front of the door. I walked closer, curious as to why everything was missing when I ran into a sign. I stepped back and looked at the yellow sign with black letters. A smaller red sign hung above it reading, "SOLD."

I took a step back and let the news hit me. She left. She left me. I fell to my knees in front of my front walk and stared up at the house. Now that I thought about it, it looked empty. The window streaks had built up, there was an awkward presence of the house, it just seemed like a building, not a home. As I stared at it, memories came rushing back. A scene of my mom and I sitting on the swing that hung on the porch, waiting for my dad to come home, another one from when my grandma came to visit and my dad had to all but pry me off of her when she left. I felt myself stand and start to move towards the door. I slowly climbed the stairs, being careful not to make them creak regardless of the fact the place was empty, and reached for the doornob. 

I slowly pushed the door open and stepped inside. I felt my breath leave me as I walked into the once friendly foyer, trying not to notice the missing furniture and the dull glow of the bareness. I quickly hurried into the kitchen, not wanting to be further haunted by my memories from when I was still alive. I first went to the fridge, knowing that if my mom had left anything behind, it would have been her notes. She always kept every flyer, reminder, pamphlet she recieved so if I could find any sign of where she had moved to it would be there.

As I scanned the magnetic surface, I found absolutely nothing. She had taken everything with her. Still determined on finding out where she went, I continued on to search the entire house. After an hour of searching nearly every room and crook I could think of, I finally gave up. Exhausted, I sat with my back to the front door, allowing my head to fall into my hands.

- - - - - - 

I woke up, confused as to where I was. I peeked outside and saw nothing but darkness. I glanced at the clock across the foyer and found it to be 9:10. I had been asleep for five hours. I rubbed my eyes and pushed myself to my feet trying to remember what is was that I had been doing. The feeling hit me harder than I had imagined. My mom was gone. Off to begin a new chapter in her life. She left. And with my dad randomly skipping out at some point and Ashton not wanting anything to do with me, I was officially alone.

Being alone when I was alive, wasn't that big of a deal. I always knew that eventually I would find someone and I would be okay and surrounded by people again. However, in death, it was different. I walked through the hallway of my old home and tried not to cry. As always, the tears won the battle and quickly raced down my face. 

"I'll always be alone," I whispered to myself, the final realization hitting me. No matter what, I was alone. I had Ashton, yes, but at the moment I clearly did not. Plus he was in a total different boat than I was. No one else was dead but still alive. No one else was living even when every law of nature proved it false. No one else was me. 

"I'm alone."

I sat down against the counter in the kitchen and bowed my head, allowing myself to cry. Allowing all the fear and frustration and anger free. Allowing me to set myself free. Allowing my pain to be released.

- - - - - - -

I was running. Probably faster than I ever had, ever before. I was in a field and Ashton stood at the end of it. The sun reflected his smile, making my cheeks heat up and happiness fill my being. He held his arms open for me to run into. 

When I finally reached him, he stepped away, "You said you'd never leave me." 

I tried to hug him, to pull him close, "You sent me away," I reminded him.

"You said you'd always be here."

"I know, but," I tried again.

"You lied. You lied. You lied." He was crying now. 

I looked at him and reached out, but this time my fingers passed through his arm. I shuddered at the feeling of being nothing again. 

Before I knew it I was running again. But this time, I was running away.

- - - - - - -

I woke up with a start. Nearly slamming my head into the cabinet behind me. I screamed out and moved my head to rub the sore spot. Afternoon light poured into the room, surrounding and blinding me entirely. I walked out of the kitchen and into the living room.

"Well house," I said out loud, "Thank you for my childhood and I'll love you forever, but goodbye." I knew I needed to get out of there. I also knew I had to get back to Ashton. I hadn't seen him in about a day and a half, maybe he'd hate me less if I went back now. 

As I closed the front door, one last time, I took a deep breath and ventured out towards the hospital again.

- - - - - -

"Where have you been?" Ashton asked, his eyes widening as I walked into the hospital room. I had been extremely nervous, my nails shortened down to little stubs, my hair twirled to it's upmost capacity. 

I felt my breath shorten and thought I had lost my voice with the way I croaked out a small, "What do you mean?" I cleared my throat, "I've been gone for a day, besides you were the one who made me leave."

"Yeah, bullshit-" he started.

"Don't you fucking dare. You were mad at me and you told me to leave, don't you tell me that I abandoned you, that I left you. I wanted to stay, I was going to stay, but you, you-"

He cut me off, "No. It's not that."

"Then what is it?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.

Ashton was quiet for a while. His gentle eyes scanning my face, softening with every second, some sort of realization hitting him like a sack of bricks. He shook his head and looked back at me with apologetic eyes. He opened his mouth and then closed it and then opened it again, "You were gone for a week."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

a/n: hello! I'm so sorry but with college and a full blown schedule I just don't have as much time as I thought I would, but seeing as it's 2 am i figured I'd post what I could and hope you guys liked it. I'm sorry updates are going to be awkwardly spread out and they may take a while, but I do have a lot on my plate and i have to consider my priorities. i love you guys so much, thank you for the support.

don't forget to vote, comment and above all, stay fab xoxoxoxo -em