Here to Stay || Ashton Irwin (completed)

Chapter 35

Three days later, I stood in front of the mirror in a hotel room I had snuck into, straightening out my dress. I had also stolen the dress from a shop a few buildings down. I looked at my reflection in the full body mirror before me. My hair was ratty and unmanagable due to my constant pulling at it the past few days so I put it up in a ponytail to meet it half way. My eyes were red and puffy from the infinite hours a day I spent crying. My finger nails were bitten to the base from my anxiety and guilt eating me alive.

After a day and a half I had given up on looking for Ashton. I checked everywhere. I checked his house, the school, Michael's, Luke's, Calum's, my house, but I found nothing. The loneliness had never felt so real. I couldn't handle it. 

Ashton's funeral was in an hour. News for it was everywhere. His mom invited anyone who wanted to pay their respects. There was no private service, everyone was welcome. I concluded that this was her way of a final apology. Her lack of denying anyone entry to say goodbye if they wished. As if she believed he was going to go. As if she believed he would attend, his hand in mine and say goodbye. 

That was probably the worst part about checking in on everyone. All three of the boys were constantly talking to him. Because they knew about me, they had assumed he took a similar fate and it broke my heart at how wrong they were. 

I worried they envied me and I willed them with every inch of my being to not. At least they knew where he was. They knew he wasn't with them anymore, I had no clue. 

Ashton disappearing to somewhere else also brought me a lot of personal conflict. What had I done wrong? Why was I forced to live through more people's, who I had to grown to care about, suffering. Ashton didn't need to see them suffer. And why was I still here? Wasn't there more?

Why was I the only one walking around? Where was everyone else?

I took an unecessary breath and looked at my reflection one last time. It wasn't going to get better than this. "You can do this, Emma," I reminded myself. I nodded to myself for reassurance and then headed downstairs. 

- - - - - - - 

I stood at the hill on the cemetery that Ashton and I had stood on when we attended my own funeral. The wind blew softly at my hair as well as at my tears, drying them to my face. I watched the mass of people as they gathered around. A mass of black, tears, and broken hearts. Even Michael had dyed his hair back to black for the occasion. I found a reason to smile in that. 

I swallowed and straightened my dress, ready to approach, when suddenly I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. I froze and slowly turned around.

Ashton's familiar eyes met mine and put me in a frozen trance. "Ashton?" I asked, not believing he was really there in front of me.

"Emma." He answered, confirming my doubts.

I threw my arms around his neck and pulled him close, hugging him tight. His arms wrapped around my waist and his face burried into my neck. 

"Where have you been?" I suddenly asked, curiousity, confusion and a bit of anger rising in my voice.

"I've been following you."

I stepped back and folded my arms across my chest, "Have you not heard me yelling for you? I've been searching everywhere for you!" I was trying to fight my annoyance, but it kept resurfacing, flashbacks of the past three days clouding my mind.

"I kept calling to you Em, but you wouldn't answer. I figured you couldn't hear me so I figured I'd rather follow you than lose you and not be able to find you again."

I licked my lips taking in this information.

He continued, "Every time you got frustrated, every time you cried, you got angry, I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around you and tell you it would be okay, but I couldn't. And it killed me. I couldn't live with myself." 

I looked down, instantly angry with myself for being so hard on him, "It's okay, I'm not mad. I'm just happy you're here now."

"Me, too," he smiled, grabbing my hand and pulling me in for a quick kiss.

I blushed and wrapped my arms around him, kissing him again. "Are you ready to do this?" I asked him, my lip catching between my teeth as I scanned his face.

"As ready as I'll ever be," he replied, pulling his black tie a little loose.

"Together," I whispered, squeezing his hand.

He nodded and took the first step. 

We walked toward the service, hand in hand and as we grew closer a light behind the casket began to form. I looked at Ashton and he looked back at me, our faces both blooming with curiousity and a longing for a fresh start. As I looked at the faces of those who we were leaving behind, I felt a part of me reside with each of them. Calum the best friend. Michael the mood brightener. Luke the little brother. Anne the mother. Moxim the mentor.

Time seemed to slow at that point. As we approached that ball of light, that unknown portal to a new life, a new world, I was not afraid. I was not sad. Ashton's hand felt strong in mine, it made me feel whole. As we walked into the light letting it consume our entire being, I couldn't help but think that yes it iss so terrible to love something that death can touch, but even that was better than never loving anything at all. 

Fin. 

- - - - - - - - 

a/n: and thus we have reached the end of my Ashton Irwin fanfic Here To Stay. Thank you to everyone who has stuck through with me on this bumpy journey of rough first ideas, inability to update, college, writers block, etc, you guys give me something to write for. I hope you enjoyed this story, I hope it didn't make you cry too much, but I do hope that it made you feel something. I don't know what I want you to feel, but I wanted you to get something out of it, and if that's what happened to you, then I succeeded. I'd just like to thank one person in particular fay_29, whenever I ever updated this fic, she would ALWAYS be the first vote even if there were 0 reads, she had already voted for this and it just made me smile that someone was just waiting for me to post more (YES IT ALSO MADE ME FEEL TERRIBLE WHEN I WOULDNT UPDATE) but it just felt rewarding. So thank you fays_world as you were once called I believe. Anyway, thank you all for this incredible journey through life and death and hate and love and trust and all that food stuff.

for the final time on this fanfic. vote, comment, and stay fab xoxoxoxo -em