T'was a cold night of September, the cold breeze caresses my naked body that was laid half dead in this nasty alley.
Four. No. Five mere devils were smiling at me as when I was begging for mercy. But, luck is not with me and they polluted, molested and ruined my sanity, my pride--- my whole dignity. I've got no one, even the one person I thought was on my side, joined their little festivity. They're the worst, rotten fleshed hogged from the nastiest place you'll ever know. I feel so dirty, uncleaned and a sin. I feel so wronged, for being alive, well, with my child.
I thought of running away, to save some face even just for my child.
"Unknown one". He was labeled as that. I feel sorry, pain and cried--- each passing day as I saw him being bullied and not fighting back. I feel so low, I feel so bad. For giving this kind of life to my child.
I once thought of revenge and finding those who'd given me nightmares each and every night. Those devils that is making me sick whenever I think of them. Those creatures I haven't seen after that night, seven years ago.
But then, one morning, he held my hands tight, begging. Asking me to stop. At first, I couldn't understand his words nor the action he just shown. I asked him why but he just responded with a smile. He made me cry. I bursted out, pouring all the pain that kept me bottled up.
Why? Why my dear child? Why are you so stronger than this idiot lady. Why are you keeping your cool and stay calm when you have the every damn rights to be angry and mad. But, as if he's reading my mind he responded again. Which, made me lose the fight.
"Revenge is not the key for you to be free. Nor to be saved from the judgemental eyes, people burying at you. You've got your satisfaction yet nothing's been changed. You got your weighs lifted but the fact that you're like that will never fade.
Forgive. That's the sole cure you're needing.
I already forgave you mom, for bringing me up to this world and always thankful for always be there to back me up. Forget the hatred but let the memories intact. Because that's the only way your life will be on the right track"
My eyes waters more and held him tight in my arms--- squeezing and feeling this life I chose to bear. I chose to live than be aborted. This life who gave me the reason to stand up and bear the little dignity I may have. That little reason that is killing me inside.
He saved me back in track. But. Fate is a fuck，it doesn't want to end this with a luck.
"You only have a month to live ma'am ". The doctor slapped me with that.
My mind is in a total dumb. Total none. Not processing even if I tried.
I started to go to the convenient store to buy a pen and a journal. I started to write without a proper reason.
Little by little, I'm filling the empty pages of this journal. My time is ticking and I just spent the day as it is. I coughed a few times and my blood spilled over my hand. I suddenly shove it behind my black shirt and smiled. I'm gonna miss this time together with this child. I hope he'll be fine together with my pops.
I saved up enough for this lovely child. I love you so much and this is my final goodbye...
- Airyn
I finished it up and closes the journal. I love you too. I've been well and hope you too as well..
