letters

1.2

SotC: Blind, B.A.P

WARNING: Y'all in for a ride, prepare your Kleenex.

- - -

NOTHING WAS COMPARABLE TO THE PAIN JIN WAS FEELING AFTER N'S DISAPPEARANCE.

It hurt more than anything. Hurt more than the time Jin broke his finger after it was accidentally slammed on by a window. Hurt more than all the fights that he would have with his brother when they were younger, combined. Hurt more than the time he fell from a second story window and landed in a rosebush.

It hurt to breathe. But not in the way that it hurt to breathe when Jin broke three of his ribs on that fateful day when he fell from that window. That was sharp knives stabbing his chest each time he inhaled. No, this pain was dull and consistent, almost as if his heart was getting stones thrown at it.

Because that's where it hurt the most.

His heart.

And it greatly affected Jin.

Oh, sure, during the day, he appeared fine. For the most part, other than the two days he was sick in Anyang (Maybe I ate something bad, Jin told his parents, knowing full well that that wasn't the cause, but his parents believed him), Jin appeared to be okay. And he was; he loved being with his family in Anyang, or with his friends back in Seoul. He smiled, he laughed, he was happy.

But under the cloak of night, as his distractions lay to rest one by one, Jin's worry and pain returned. And Jin had no choice but to acknowledge it.

Neither his brother or his roommates knew that as they slept, Jin was laying awake, helpless to the frustrated and furious tears that silently slipped from his eyes.

Why did I trust him?

How could he have played me like this?

He's so lucky he hasn't met me again, otherwise he'd have hell to pay.

Jin was laying back in his dorm one night, fresh out of angry tears. He felt the cool breeze blowing in the room from the slightly open window, and heard the soft snores in the room, but couldn't really register anything other than his wrath, holding on hotly in his heart.

Maybe I should wash my face and try to sleep. Jin swung himself up and off his bed, then lightly padded to the bathroom. Splashing cool water on his face, he looked up in the mirror, catching sight of his eyes-- red and tired, yet holding a powerful force of ferocity-- his messed-up hair, Jimin standing in the doorway...

Wait. Jin closed his eyes, rubbed them, then opened them again. Jimin wasn't there anymore.

"Maybe I really do need sleep," Jin muttered to himself, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"You should sleep, hyung." A higher-pitched melodic, albeit sleepy, voice caused Jin to jump. What the fuck?

Turning to Jimin, who he could have sworn wasn't there, he whispered. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Can't a guy just hang out with his boyfriend?" At Jin's look of disgust, Jimin lightly giggled. "Nothing like that! We were just watching a movie and fell asleep." Jimin tilted his head. "But why are you up, hyung? It's nearly 4 o' clock."

Not wanting to answer Jimin's question, Jin attempted to turn it back to him. "I could ask the same of you, though?"

"You woke me up when you turned on the bathroom light. Not sure why, but I've always been sensitive to those things. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. " Jimin grabbed Jin's wrist, pulling him to the bathtub and sitting on the edge. "Which you're not. What's wrong?"

Jin began to quietly protest, saying that he was fine and that Jimin shouldn't concern himself with such matters, when Jimin's whisper, quiet but stern, cut through.

"Hyung, I don't care if you say I shouldn't concern myself with such matters, because obviously, I'm concerned. The others may not have noticed, but something's wrong."

Jin fell silent. Jimin continued, softly. "Hyung, I get that I'm not as close with you as you are with Hoseok, or Yoongi, but I still care for you. You can tell me."

Jin hesitated. Jimin whispered. "You can trust me."

Jin sighed. "He stood me up."

Jimin gasped. "N? Really?"

Jin nodded. "We were supposed to go on a date, and he didn't show up, so I was writing him letters to reschedule." A deep breath. Jin's nostrils flared. "He didn't get them at first, and I was concerned if he had to leave, but then he took them. Didn't leave so much as a reply."

Jimin's eyes softened. "So you think he's ghosted on you?" A blunt nod. "That's terrible."

Jin turned away. "Doesn't matter. If he was just going to play me like this, it's better that I found out that he was a waste of time now, before he screwed with my future."

"That's one way to see it," Jimin softly hummed. "And maybe I would believe it if you were my boyfriend, but you're not."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jin turned sharply at Jimin. "I can't be upset at him? I can't be blaming him for what he did wrong?"

"I never said that."

"Then what? Are you just waiting for me to lose it?"

"I--"

"Do you want me to cry? To begin to blame myself? To--" Jin's voice cracked.

Jimin watched, his eyes softening, as Jin stopped speaking, taking ragged breaths.

It's his fault it's his fault it's--

Jin closed his eyes, blocking out everything but those three words, looping them over and over again, until a soft angelic voice, raw and trusting, broke through his melody of bitterness.

"Hyung?"

And just like that, Jin broke.

"What did I do wrong?"

Jimin scooted closer and gave him a hug as Jin cried. "I gave him my heart, and I thought he did the same. How could I have been so blind?"

"Love blinds," Jimin murmured. "But you never know what has happened. Maybe he was going to reply, but he couldn't." He continued as Jin sobbed in his chest. "It might be what it looks like, but it also might not be. Either way, you have to be able to get past this situation, and learn how to forgive. Stay optimistic, hyung. If he comes back, hear him out, but if he doesn't, don't let him break you."

Jin took a couple deep breaths as Jimin finished. "It's obvious that this person made you happy. But don't let yourself become fully defined by your relationship with him, okay? You're you, Jin-hyung."

Jin allowed himself to ponder those words, first spoken by his professor, then Jimin. Maybe they do have a point. He hugged Jimin closer. "Thank you, Jimin."

"It's not a problem, hyung." Waiting another few minutes for Jin's tears to cease and for him to wash his face, they then walked out of the bathroom together back to their respective places: Jin to his bed, Jimin to Yoongi's. "Get some sleep, okay?"

Jin nodded, allowing himself to get in his bed. Jimin crawled back to his previous position by Yoongi, who immediately took him in his arms. Craning his head away from Yoongi's chest to face Jin, Jimin mouthed, Goodnight.

Jin smiled sadly at the cuddling couple.

Goodnight.

- - -

So Jin was never really mad at N.
He just tried to convince himself he was so that he wouldn't acknowledge how upset he truly was.

It happens to the best of us.

There's a happy ending, I swear, but until then...

xx Bex