My Depression thoughts

Strong/Weak

I wake up I see that dads not home mom comes up to me and says" your father is in the hospital " I freeze I want to cry but somehow no tears are coming out. Have two choices you come to the hospital or you go to the Patricks house, I'll go to the Patricks. I pack my stuff and get in the car just thinking about how could this could happen. I get there all I want to do is go back home lay in my bed wish this is all a dream, but it's not. Eat Anni eat, you need some energy so eat, I'm not hungry I'll just have water. I stay up all night thinking that I made a bad decision now dad will hate me for not going. I wake up drink water nothing to eat and act strong. Anni get ready for tonight we got church band practice,"ok" *mind* I don't want to go I just want to wake up from this nightmare. We go get in the building and everyone has this sorry for you look on there face. Thank you, I'll be fine *mind* get away from me, don't look at me like that, that makes me not want to be here even more. We talk about how God can give and take away, (I just want to cry cry so hard I don't even make a sound when I cry) but I don't I have a strong face on and start practicing. After I go outside I feel tears fall down my face. I try to stop but they keep going so I hide so no one will see. The tears finally stop and I get in the car and we go. The next three days were just me thinking I'm a horrible daughter and my parents would be better of without me. I go home and I see dad on the couch watching TV I go over to him and hug him and say I'm glad your back then I go to my room and fall asleep. I get up and go to the kitchen to get a drink. My mom was in there and she came over and hugged me and started crying (my mom never cries ever) I was so shocked and said that everything will be ok, we'll get through this. I had no idea how to handle this situation she was done crying and I got my drink and go back to my room and I started to cry but I slapped myself and I saw that I had to be strong for my family. But being strong is just to hard I'm tired I'm so tired and I want to cry but I can't. I have to keep that mask on but under I'm weak and I'm tired and I want to cry. I never win I just want something in my life to be good for once but now I see that that will never happen.