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TITLE: Lonely Lovechild
AUTHOR: spottybob
UNDERRATEDCHARACTER: Katie Bell
REVIEWEDBY: LeviosaDragon
REVIEW:
With four chapters, it wasn't easy to get a proper insight into Katie's character, but I like the way you portrayed her so far. She is a side character, but she plays an important role in Desdemona's story; she is a loving person and cares for her friends. Despite playing quidditch, she isn't obsessed with it and balances her sport and her social life together, in a way that gives a good side to her personality – she knows her priorities. The friendship you portrayed between Katie and the others was simple yet cute, and the conversations between them were enjoyable to read as well, so good job for that!
One thing that clicked me the wrong way was, however, that since your story takes place in Prisoner of Azkaban, Katie should be in her fourth year now, not fifth. Remember, that she got cursed by the necklace in Half Blood Prince, and if you follow this timeline, she will already have graduated by that time. If, however, you want Katie to be in fifth year for the sake of the plot, I suggest you provide a disclaimer at the beginning of the story stating this.
The story itself is neatly written and simple, with description and dialogue balanced nicely, but the flow of the story is jerky at times and it could become a bit confusing. For example, when the students were crowded near the Fat Lady's portrait when she got attacked by Sirius, Dumbledore appeared all of a sudden and said something, which could leave the readers confused and make them go back to see where he had come from. Maybe give an introduction of his arrival before writing what he has said? There were a few other instances like this, but they could be easily fixed.
At some points in the story, there were sudden POV changes. While it's okay to write in the POV of different characters, it becomes messy if you suddenly change to a new character, and only for one paragraph. Like when in the train, there was one paragraph in Remus's POV, and in another chapter, we saw a dialogue between Fred and George, even though Desdemona was no longer standing there, and the section was initially written from her perspective. Try avoiding these, as they make writing less smooth and confusing.
Despite these few points, your story was generally well written; it was simple and made us feel at one with the characters. Katie seems like a lovable person so far and the twist in the fourth chapter was a nice addition. Try adding more sentence variation in order to get a smoother flow, but other than that, you did a great job with your story. Good luck for the further chapters.👍
