dear depressed diary

the first entry

Dear depressed diary,

I don't know why I am even writing this, its the most stupid thing ever, but I am being forced to do this so I guess I have no choice, right? 

so here it is, the diary where I document my depression, my life, everything. for some one I don't know to read and try and help me. so according to the sheet I was given, in this entry I have to state who I am, my age, what I look like, my personality, my friends, my family and my feelings. wow okay, so I'm writing this for someone to stalk me, well that's just great. 

so, let us start, my name is Madeline Webb, I'm 17. I have very long, light ginger hair and the palest skin humanly possible. my personality, I guess people would say that I am a nerd, but I would describe myself as passionate. I'm passionate about so many different things, so many different books, TV shows, movies, bands. You would think the bands I listen to would make people think I'm not a nerd, because since when are typical 'emo' bands nerdy? yeah I'm emo, or at least I'm a wanna be emo. 

So now I've done who I am, my age, my personality and what I look like, what's next? Right, my friends. Why do you need to know about my friends? What do they have to do with my depression? But again, I don't have a choice. 

in total I have 5 great friends. There is Evelyn, more commonly known as eve, we have been friends since before time began, the basic I guess, mums were friends while pregnant so their babies are automatically best friends for life, that old cliché, Eve is the prettiest girl you would ever see, she has short, brown, curly hair and bright green eyes, she has such an incredible dress sense that most people wouldn't pull off but somehow she does. Then there's Helena, she has bright pink hair, blue eyes and she dresses like a pop punk princess. there's Heidi, small, blonde, smartest person in the school, total rom-com stereotype of a girl, the only one with a boyfriend, speaking of, there's Bellamy, hair blacker than my soul, a strange green, blue, yellow blend of colour in his eyes, the most difficult person to explain in writing, he's, well, he's Bellamy, that is the only way to describe him. Finally there's Shayne, tall, blonde, brown eyes. He is the most popular out of us, people question why he sits with us or likes us, we get treat like freaks because we are different, but Shayne, he accepts that we are different and doesn't let it phase him or stop him from being who he wants to be, he is open about all of his opinions and views and that, I admire that. God, I wish I had the courage to be like that, to be like Shayne, but I don't and I never will which is why I think the diary is pointless, its a waste of my time, writing about people who are better than me wont make my depression disappear so what is the point?

Family is next, oh good, enjoy reading about this one. Lets start with mum shall we. Mum, also known as Maya, is disgusted by what her daughter is because she was the most popular girl at school, everybody loved her, she was beautiful and skinny and always happy and she was prom queen every. Single. Year. Yeah, she will never let me forget that and she hates that I am some freak who would prefer to be home reading on a Friday night instead of going out with friends getting drunk and high and blah blah blah. I could go on but talking about my mother bores me and I would rather not talk about her, however, you want to know every detail, she tried so hard to make me turn out like her, she would dress me in pretty, pink dress, do me the best hairstyles and make me look stunning with the best makeup, but that isn't me, I hate pink dress, I don't care what my hair looks like and my makeup is a mess, like me, but that's how I like it.  

On to my dad, Scott, he hates my guts. that is not an over exaggeration either, but its not just me he also hates my mother and my brother and anything that moves, breaths or speaks, unless, of course, its a bottle of alcohol that he can use to drown out his problems, me, I'm his problem, my depression makes him look at me like I just murdered his unborn child, actually no he'd like that, he looks at me like I've just poured all of his beer down the sink and I'm a worthless piece of shit. How did my mum end up with him? 

Last but not least, my brother. Elliot, the only good person in this god damn house. We get along through our mutual love of food, also because we are twins and have basically the same interests in everything, including boys. Whenever our parents argue or if one of us is sad we always sit in his roof window looking at the sky, or watching something or listening to something or playing one of our many many board games, just doing anything to make life seem better.

now what? oh, my feelings. How do I describe what I feel? its like I'm empty but so full, like I'm alone but I'm not, like I'm not sad but not happy, like I feel nothing but I feel everything. its like my mind is in constant war with itself and I'm the battleground getting damaged with every thing that happens. I question the point in everything. whats the point of living when all we are promised in life is death? why go through all this suffering and heartache and pain? I'm not suicidal, but if I could die without killing myself I would not complain, I wouldn't try to stop it because then its all finally over and I don't have to hurt anymore. That is how I feel.

there, that is everything you wanted to know on this stupid list, happy? cause I'm not. how do I even end this thing anyway, the cringy love Madeline? see you tomorrow with more depression? that's life? how about,

see ya later demons, yeah that works.

EVE: yo, you awake?

ME: yes I'm awake, and don't say 'yo'

EVE: wait, your awake before midday on a weekend, DEAR LORD WHATS HAPPNED?

ME: haha, very funny, I had something to do this morning

EVE: oh cool, you coming to Shayne's later?

ME: yeah I'll be there

EVE: good good, see you there 

Great time to paint on a smile and lie to all my friends again, but I'm used to that now, every Saturday we all go to Shayne's house to watch whatever movies we find that we haven't watched yet, its tradition, we order a pizza and play board games while the crazy films Bellamy choses play in the background, it was the fun that we had on Saturday nights.

I painted my face, threw on some band merch, grabbed my phone and ran out the house. Eve was sat beeping her car horn at me to hurry up

"its about time" she said as I climbed into her car

"in my defence you only gave me a 5 minute warning, you know I need at least a 10 minute warning before I can leave the house, so don't blame me" Eve starred at me with disproving eyes

"yeah yeah whatever" and then she drove, blasting her music through the car and the streets we passed, we were the last ones to arrive at Shayne's that day, but that was nothing unusual. we did our normal routine and ended up sat of the floor of Shayne's living room, but this time when the film stopped playing nobody changed it, instead, they all turned to me, looking at me like I was sat crying, it was like they saw straight through my fake smile

"we know" Heidi said after we had sat in silence for so long it was almost comical, I just nodded my head and for the first time let my smile fade, I laid down, they all did the same "wanna talk about it?"

"no"

"okay then" and we stayed there all laid on the floor starring at the ceiling in silence, for the rest of the night that is all there was, silence, but it was nice to not have to pretend to be okay.