dear depressed diary

entry #7

Dear depressed diary,

Something happened. Something great, she messaged me, she wanted to meet up, she needed help. I went to her, she was crying, her and her boyfriend had broken up and she didn't know what to do, she came to me for help and I had no idea what to say to her, I've never been through something like that before, boyfriends and relationships were not my strong point. But I sat there, just being a shoulder to cry on, just being there for her. That seemed to work though, I let her talk about anything and everything while she cried and I sat and listened and comforted her, sometimes that is all a person needs, after she has spoken about everything, she sat up, wiped her eyes and started apologising for crying on me, that is when I said 'don't worry about it, I know that sometimes all you need is a shoulder to cry on while you talk about everything that's on your mind, and if I can do that for you or for anyone then I would drop everything to do it' and then, probably the best thing that has ever happened to me happened. She leaned in and kissed me. In that moment I felt like time stopped and we were the only people in the world, I felt important and needed, until she pulled away 'I'm so sorry, I don't know what that was, god I'm such an idiot, I mean its obvious that your straight and like Shayne, I'm sorry' I was stunned, she knew I liked Shayne, but I don't anymore, and I'm definitely not straight 'Courtney, its true that I used to like Shayne but not anymore, he's my best friend and practically the only thing he talks to me about is advice on how to tell Evelyn that he loves her, so I moved on, and the thing in that sentence that isn't true is me being obviously straight, I'm not, your actually the only person except my brother who I've told this, but, I'm bisexual, so not straight' I was shocked that I had just said that, to someone I barely knew, I just spilled half of my secrets, and it was so easy, it wasn't like it was something I didn't want to accept in myself, the way I said it seemed as if I had already accepted and was proud of it 'that's so cool, thank you for trusting me and telling me, this was good, maybe we could each be each others shoulder to cry on, and someone to talk to who won't ever tell anyone' I couldn't think of anything better than that, I needed that 'I'd like that'  'okay, put up your pinky, I promise to always keep your secrets'  'I promise to always keep yours as well' That's what we were, we were basically each others therapists while also being friends, and honestly I don't care if that's all we ever are because we had that one night, that one kiss, that one promise and I felt happy with my decision to leave my bathroom, to put down my blades and go to her. But now I'm home, the first thing I do is take off my jeans and change the bandages on my legs, that will be it for now, I put all my blades back under my mattress before sitting with my book, life isn't anything right now, I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad or mad, I feel fine, just fine, just straight down the middle, I feel basically nothing.

see ya later demons.

"Hey, Madeline" I turned to see Elliot walk into my room

"hey El, whats up?"

"where were you earlier?"

"oh I met up with a friend who needed my help, why" 

"well I came in here to find you and you weren't here, I got worried"

"you don't need to be worried about me"

"really? so when I come into your room and find an open box of razors and a towel covered in blood on the bathroom floor as well as a used razor blade on the side and you are no where to be seen I shouldn't be worried? I thought you were dead Madeline, I thought you had died and I didn't know what to do, I sat and cried, I thought you had killed yourself for fuck sake, so I think I had a right to be fucking worried about you"