dear depressed diary

entry #9

Dear depressed diary,

I did it, I quit therapy, I spilled everything and walked away, it is time for me to take control, maybe this time I won't use my blades, of maybe I will, I don't know, I guess I'm full of adrenaline right now, but that was my decision, leaving and taking control of my own life was my decision, maybe I will regret it but if I do then I can go back, I always have the option to go back if my life is too far gone to be controlled. However, I am going to continue writing in this diary, because this stupid diary actually is helpful, writing down everything in my mind, it is helpful, they were right about that. My main worry now is that Elliot is going to find out and he will want to know why and want to know everything, and I can't help but imagine the worst, that he hates me, thinks that I am ungrateful for what he tried to do for me, but that is not the case, I'm so thankful, thankful that he actually cared enough to make me those appointments, thankful that he paid for it, thankful that he wanted me to get better, I am so god damn thankful, I really hope that he knows that. I really hope he is not angry because I can not handle Elliot when he is angry, but I think it would be way worse if he was disappointed, if I was the reason why he was disappointed because I am just trying to live, I am just trying to get through each day ad on to the next. I'll keep that smile, lets see how many people still believe it, I will use that extra energy to pretend that I just had a bad patch and now I am fine, happy, that I am good, I will get that mask back again and will wear it everyday, who cares if I take it off when I'm alone, nobody will see it then, but in public, in school, talking to people, I will wear the mask and act as though I am not phased by the world, I will pretend to be like every other teenager, that is what people expect of me so why the fuck not? that is what I will do, who knows, maybe it will work.

See ya later demons.

EVEYLN -- Need to talk come to Shaynes house NOW. 

I read the message, dragged myself from my window, and left the house, I thought nothing of the message, I thought maybe Eve had some 'important' news to tell the group like she usually did, but when I arrived, it was just her

"hey Eve, where is everyone?"

"no, it is just us"

"at shaynes house? where is he?"

"I told him to take a long walk because I needed to talk to you and couldn't do it at my house"

"Eve, what has happened? is everything okay?"

"why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm sorry, what didn't I tell you?"

"your bi"

"how did you know that?"

"oh so now you sound interested, how I know is not important here"

"yes it is, who told you?"

"who knows? because I thought that would be something that someone tells their best friend"

"I was scared"

"scared?"

"yes, scared"

"why the fuck were you scared? I'm your best fucking friend, or at least I thought I was, why were you scared to tell me?"

"I was scared that I would tell you and you would judge me and I would loose my best friend, I was scared of what you would think of me"

"and what did you think that I would think?"

"that I was some stupid little girl who can't decide who she loves"

"Madi, Eve, you alright?"

"yes we are fine Shayne, just leave us alone"