dear depressed diary

entry #12

Dear depressed diary,

'oh', oh, just oh. that was all she said, oh. I practically told her I loved her and all she said was oh. WHY AM I SUCH AN IDIOT?  Of course she doesn't feel the same, why would she? she is the most beautiful, smart, funny, kind, most amazing person ever and me, well I'm just me, I'm not good at anything, I'm not pretty, I'm not funny, I'm not anything, I'm worthless, I'm nobody. there is no way I even compare to her but for some stupid reason I thought we could be something. what was I thinking? that she would see how broken I truly am I and then come and fix me? only an idiot would think that, so I guess I am an idiot, because that is exactly what I thought. I make everything so awkward, how am I supposed to go to school and face her after that? My embarrassment will probably be the death of me. oh, I never realised how much two insignificant letters could fuck up someone's mind so much, it is just two letter but for some reason they are all I can think of, I don't understand how I have so many thoughts about one word, what did she mean by that word? was it a positive oh? or was it a negative oh? I don't know what the oh meant, she sounded shocked, I don't know if is was a good or bad shocked, my mind is full of so many different things that this one word could mean, I don't understand how or why this is having such a big effect on me or how it is controlling my thoughts. I have been thinking about this since last night and I am still no closer to figuring it out, I don't know how to do this, I don't even know what this is. How do you solve a problem when you don't know the question? that is what I am trying to do, in my mind, I'm trying to find an answer to a question I was never given and it is so tiring and I don't know if I can do it, but I cant ask for help on the answer because people will expect there to be a question. What do I do about that? how do I do that? I don't know if I can.

see ya later demons.

I walked through the school doors and instantly wanted to turn and run in the opposite direction, as I walked through the door I was faced by Courtney, kissing her supposedly ex-boyfriend. I felt my heart sink and I wanted to just run away from the world, instead I started walking fast through the corridors and to my first class, I didn't bother meeting up with everyone first, I couldn't handle facing people, I felt like such a fucking idiot, I guess I have figured out what that oh means now, I feel sick, like I could just throw up and cry and curl up into a ball and hope nobody notices. But of course I cannot do that in the middle of the corridor next to an English classroom. English, no not English, anything but English, why English? why now? why today? in English I sit next to Courtney. It feels as though everything is out to get me today, I could skip, just not turn up to first lesson, I still have time to go and hide in the library

"Hey Madeline" shit, times up, should have moved faster Madeline

"hey Courtney" I turned around to look at her and felt my heart break "Look, I'm sorry about yesterday, I was emotional and not thinking straight, just forget everything I said"

"its fine Madi, consider it forgotten" great, thanks Courtney, thank you for being so nice you are making wanting to hate you so god damn hard

"good, it was stupid" really stupid, but not untrue, definitely not untrue

"we all get emotional and say things we don't mean some times, I get it you felt alone and then I was there" yeah but I meant it

"yeah, its strange how that affects someone" its strange how you affect literally everything I do

"it is, guess we better go to class" I would rather we didn't have to go to class

"yeah, lets go in" lets stay out here, not go in.

We sat in English with Courtney making her usual small talk and acting as if everything is perfect, maybe it is I mean, look at her, she is perfect so obviously she has a perfect life. I was stupid to think for a second that I could be good enough.