dear depressed diary

entry #6

Dear depressed diary, 

I'm trying to figure out where this all started, maybe if I know I can  find out how to make myself better, and so I am about to explain possible things that have happened in my life to try and figure this out, lets start with the most recent major event,

at the beginning of this year, when my unhappyness became so clear, I had just given up on something that had controlled my life and gave me reason to get to the next week. We have already astablished that I am a giant theatre nerd, I was part of a small group where every friday we would learn the choreography and recreate a song from a musical, it made me feel so amazing being able to do what the people I aspired to be like could do, the most memerable one being the schuyler sisters from hamilton. I aspired to be like Angelica so learning her dance to that song made me happy, and then when the group fell apart I found myself hating fridays and then after a while, hating everyday, I lost my wanting to stay alive for a week.

but that didn't start this.

Last year, i was bullied, ive been bullied through out most of my life but last year it was really bad, it got to a point where i was skipping school, not sleeping, not eating, i wanted to change everything about myself so they would like me, I started agreeing with what they were saying and I realsied how ugly and fat I was, I became so insecure about every little detail of my body and I hated everything, I started to distance myself from friends because I didn't want them to go through it aswell, but again I don't think that started this, after that, me and my friends became closer and i didnt feel this way. 

I cannot think of how this started, or when, maybe ive been like this my entire life but its got worse recently, maybe nothing started it and it just happened, I don't know. and now im left again not knowing how to make anything better, i feel useless again.

see ya later demons.

I sat alone, like I usually did, I was in my window reading, but what was happening in the book didn't actually stay in my head, I was distracted by my skin, the marks and scars and cuts on my skin that no one has ever seen, I looked at every cut and felt worthless, I felt as if i deserved every single one, and more. I put down my book and walked over to my bed, I left up the mattress, underneath is where I kept my blades, I grabbed one, ran into my bathroom and locked the door, I deserve this. I dragged the blade over my skin and felt the all too familiar sting of my blood leaving my body, one cut turned into two and two turned into ten, my thighs were stinging and the towel was covered in  blood, I thought about just going a little deeper and ending it all, but then i got a message

COURTNEY-- hey, its Courtney, Shayne gave me your number, I was wondering if you could halp me with something.