dear depressed diary

entry #13

Dear depressed diary,

what the hell do you wear to someone elses family party? i have absolutely no idea, i have never even had a family party with my own family in my life but now i am having one with someone else's family, I always get myself into the strangest of situations. i have been sat here for two hours now trying to decide which one of my five shirts to pair with one of my two pairs of jeans that I actually wear. i never realised how difficult these things actually were. I have never been the type of girl who worries about what she wears or how she looks but today, right now, I am more bothered about my clothes and my makeup and my hair then ever before in my life. I want to impress Courtney's family, I want to make a good impression but I want to be comfortable and confident in what I am wearing, I don't want to underdress but I don't want to overdress. my hands are shaking, why are my hands shaking? I am going to this as her friend not her girlfriend, why am I so scared? formal casual, what does that even mean? those two words contradict each other. am I supposed to wear the nicest formal shirt with a skin tight mini skirt and heels or the comfiest sweatpants known to man? then there is the choice of a massive jumper and some business trousers with sensible shoes. This is not helping, why do I do this? So there is the choice of a band tee with black ripped jeans, casual, a nice top with white ripped jeans, less casual, an oversized jumper with black jeans, very casual, a nice shirt and black non ripped jeans, more formal and a dress, just a simple A-line dress, formal. I don't know which to choose, I don't think that I will wear the dress because it is quite short and I will be constantly paranoid about people seeing my cuts, so that leaves four. the formal shirt might be too formal for a family party, so that's a no. three left, I wont go with the band tee in case my music taste offends anyone, after all I have no idea who these people are and what their tastes are, that leaves the oversized jumper and a nice top, the white jeans may be a bit risky since I am literally the clumsiest person to ever exist and I will probably leave with jeans that are no longer white, but it might be very warm and with a jumper I will just end up looking like a sweaty mess. that leaves the nice tee and black ripped jeans, which weren't even an option before but I guess they will do. now for makeup, I don't want to go to extreme but I want it to be noticeable that I am wearing makeup, what eye shadow colour goes best with a light emerald green top? I guess green makes sense, so now all that's left is my hair, how should I have my hair? straightened, curly, up, down, some strange style? there are too many options and I am terrible at making decisions. I do love curling my hair but I feel like doing something different with it, I don't know what to do. my hair curlers are out, well that's decided I will curl my hair, mainly because I'm too lazy to search for anything else and my curlers are right there, please my hair is still slightly curly from the last time I curled them so it wont take as long. I have four hours until Courtney is picking me up, that means I have at least an hour to procrastinate by thinking of everything that could potentially go wrong at any point tonight, that's how my brain works, I think about every bad thing that could happen and over think going until I'm so nervous that I am either having a panic attack or feel so nervous that I could throw up, why do I do this? it is like a self destruct button in my head for when I leave the house, it is like my mind and body freak out and start to shut down to stop any potential threat, send help.

See ya later demons.

I was sat in my window like I always was while writing my diary entry, I finished writing and stared out the window, it seemed darker than usual, like it was foggy but there was no fog. I watched as people were walking around going about their day and doing what they needed too, I saw many groups of teenagers that I knew walking around and laughing and having the best time of their lives, I saw people walking alone, avoiding eye contact with absolutely everyone and listening to their music, I saw people who looked way to happy to be walking through town, they were practically bouncing down the street. I did this a lot, watching different people walking, how they act fascinates me, my house is on a very busy street quite close to town so there are always people walking down it, I could sit for hours just watching everyone and writing down every different type of person I see, of course that would be a bit creepy but I find it so interesting how you can clearly see the difference in people just by how they walk or how they look, it is light having an insight to every bodies life and there is so many possibilities you can make about why that one person is walking down this street at this very time, about why they look the way they do or act the way they do, watching over human life is extremely interesting but also very confusing. You are probably never right with your assumptions of that persons life, nobody really shows who they are, and you cant see into someone's brain and see every little thing they are thinking of, that is what makes it so interesting, you could see the same person walk down the street everyday and every time make a different story for their life, there are endless possibilities and getting lost in those thoughts could make you waste hours of your day, at least that tends to happen with me, but today I don't have time to watch the people walk down the street, I will be one of the people, maybe someone else will see me and make my story, I wonder if they are right with what they say, probably not. But anyway, it is time to get ready.