dear depressed diary

entry #8

Dear depressed diary,

He knows, he found my blades, I had to explain to my brother why I was self harming, why I am self harming. At first I didn't know what to say, I was in silence shocked that someone found out while he looked so petrified and worried, in the end this is what I said, 'you want to know why I do it? are you sure? because I know you won't like it. But if you want to know I will tell you. I do it because I feel worthless, I feel as though nobody cares about me but I'm too weak to kill myself so instead I cut myself, cause the pain that I believe I deserve, I do it because I like the feeling of my emotional pain slipping away, even for a minute while I feel that physical pain, it distracts me from how I feel and it doesn't last long which is why I continue to do it, and I do it because I've become addicted to it. That sounds stupid and impossible I know, but I have, I've become addicted to that stinging feeling and the blood red colour on my thighs, on days when I don't do it I feel like something is missing, I crave the sting, I crave the cut, its difficult to understand when you've never been in that situation and maybe if I do it that much, the blood that I lose will result in me losing weight, becoming skinny, because skinny people are pretty and popular and liked and are happy, that's all I want, I want to be happy and in a strange way dragging that blade across my skin gives me a sense of happiness, is that what you wanted to hear? is that what you wanted to know? are you happy now?' and I broke down into tears while he just hugged me, that's all he did, he didn't say a word he just held me until I had cried myself to sleep and now I don't know what to do because I don't know what he is going to do, I've never been so nervous to leave my room or to make it obvious that I am awake, I don't want to see him because I'm scared that he will now have this opinion of me that he didn't have before, I'm scared that I will have lost the relationship I had with him because I broke, why do I always brake? I'm such an idiot, such an absolute idiot. Maybe they were all right before, last year, everytime they called me worthless and fat and ugly or told me to kill myself, maybe they were right.

see ya later demons.

"Madeline, welcome"

"hi"

"I don't want to waste time today, I think we need to seriously talk about what you said in our last meeting"

"then talk"

"I'm going to start with you saying that you feel worthless and not good enough"

"It's true"

"no, it is not, but explain why you think that"

"because I can never do anything right, nobody really cares about me, I've been told so, many times by different people and they are right"

"I don't think that is true, another thing you said, in fact you repeated was that your time is up, again, can you explain"

"By that, I literally just meant that my session was over and I couldn't talk anymore, I couldn't keep talking"

"alright, the last is you said goodbye"

"because I was leaving"

"In one of our first meetings you told me that you never said goodbye because to you saying goodbye is giving up and you only say goodbye when you are not going to say hello again, you said goodbye when you walked out of that door, what was going through your head when you said goodbye?"

"I was thinking, it all ends tonight, when i got home after that meeting I tried figuring out what started this, i wrote it in there, but I couldn't, I could not figure out what started it and I felt like there was no hope, if I couldn't figure what started it I couldn't finish it, so i took a blade and dragged it through my skin several times, i almost went so deep that what i was doing could never be undone, but then I got a message that gave me enough hope to stop, i bandaged up my cuts, but in the rush I forgot to pack them away, my brother found them, he thought I was dead, that I had killed myself, what he said to me when I got home made me break down, I broke down and cried myself to sleep in his arms, he thinks that I have thrown away the blades, I haven't, I still have them, I can't stop, I feel like if I get rid of my blades then I will have absolutely no control over this thing, that it will control me and if it controls me then I will lose this battle, I cannot do this if I can't control it, the blades are my control, how do I just hand over the control to someone else, nobody else knows the true story and even if they did they would not understand because I can't even understand it and it is happening to me, I AM SUCH AN IDIOT, I'm sat here crying about having no control over my fucking control and I can't control how often I cause my skin to break and bleed and I can't control anything so what is the point? Why am I even asking you? You don't care, why would you? you aren't my friend or a family memeber you are just someone who is paid to try and stop me from killing myself, you almost failed at that, and there is someone who knows me, who is a friend who offered me to do this very thing with her, we promised each other that no matter what we said no one else would ever find out, so once I leave here, I won't be coming back, don't tell Elliot please, I will be fine, you helped me so much and I am so thankful for that but this isn't helping anymore, I need to take control of my own life, that is the only way to get through this, thank you Albert"

"Madeline, please, think about this for a second, I don't want you to make irrational decisions because you are emotional, and I don't just sit here and listen to you because that is what I am paid to do, I really do care about all of my patients and I want to do everything in my power to help you through this and help you feel happy, so please thik about it before you quit on therapy"

"I have been thinking about it, I have thought about leaving since the first time I came, I have thought about every possiblity of what could happen when I leave here, I have always planned to leave, I didn't think it would be today but it feels right, it feels like the thing I need to do to move forward in this because right now I feel like I am in a constant loop, one day I am here, the next I am at home or with a friend, and the cycle continues and I don't feel as though I am making any progress, in fact, I feel as though I am moving backwards, I need to do this, please just let me do this"

"If you do decide to leave, I will have to tell your brother he is the one who pays for these sessions and if he doesn't know then he will keep paying money to something he doesn't need to"

"I have decided to leave, tell him, he would figure it out eventually anyway, may as well get it over and done with"

"Okay then, well Madeline, I have very much enjoyed our sessions these past 6 months, I hope that you can defeat this by yourslf, or with your friend, but please know if you change your mind, my door is always open, please keep in touch and keep me up to date"

"Thank you Albert, and thank you for allowing me to make my own decisions, Bye"

"bye, Madeline" I waled out of the door, and sighed a breath of relief, I took control today and it felt good, I feel good.