dear depressed diary

entry #4

Dear depressed diary,

One day, one god damn day, thats how long my happiness lasted. I guess I should be thankfut that I had any because I usually don't. I don't know, I thought maybe this time would be different, Guess that makes me an idiot because this has happened many times and every time the same thing happens so why would this time be any different? Exactly, it wouldn't, and it wasn't. That day of happiness is as good as my life gets, if that sounds like an over exaggeration, it isn't, that is all I get. I don't understand it, why can't I just be happy? what have I done so wrong in this life to make me deserve this? I don't understand. Can you help me to understand? Probably not, but I wasn't really expecting you too, I don't expect anybody too.  That advice that I was given, that didn't help for long, the only difference between my life before and my life now is my brother now knows one more thing about his fuck up of a sister. 

Oh, and my parents, they now know that the other is having an affair, that kind of spilled last night, just another reason for them to blame me for their lives being so shit I guess, I got angry with them and I just screamed, I screamed 'what is the point of you even being married when your both sleeping with other people?" my dad didn't exactly like me saying that, in fact he hated it so much that he punched me in the face and said 'if you ever say anything like that again then I will kill you, with my bare hands you worthless shit, I wish we never had you' so now I feel loved and appreciated, is it bad to say that I'm used to it? probably but thats the truth. life still sucks.

se ya later demons.

It's lunch, I am sat at a table with all my best friends, they are all laughing and having so much fun, and I am faking with them. I saw Courtney enter the cafeteria alone and she began to walk over to me,

"Hey, Madeline?"

"hey, Courtney, whats up?"

"nothing really but can I speak to you?"

"sure" now my heart was racing as I stood up and walked away with her, my friends didn't even notice I was gone because they were too busy laughing at something 

"Okay listen, this is going to be really awkward for both of us but, I just need to ask you something"

"well I'm used to being awkward even in situations that shouldn't be awkward, so shoot"

"well, I was wondering if I could maybe sit with you and your friends, mine well, aren't friends but every time i see you, you are all laughing and it looks way more fun then whatever is happening with me and well I guess I don't want to feel alone anymore"

"Courtney! Of course you can sit with us, those people that I sit with are amazing and I am sure they will accept you as part of the group straight away, but be warned, they ask a lot of questios, if you don't want to answer them just tell them to shut the fuck up and they will, we'd be glad for you to sit with us"

"thank you" and so thats what she did, she sat with us and just like I thought everybody bombarded her with questions as soon as she did, but for the rest of lunch the smile on my face wasn't fake"