dear depressed diary

entry #5

Dear depressed diary,

Today my smile wasn't fake, sure it didn't last long, but for a time, I actually smiled and laughed and felt good. It never lasts so I was prepared for the comedown, and now I don't feel sad, I just feel empty, like something is missing because for once I saw that glimmer of hope shine through, instead of being a glimmer that leaves and can't be found. The only problem is I don't know how to make that glimmer stay because every time I get close to it, it becomes further away and I keep chasing it but I can never catch it. Maybe that's why it's called a glimmer of hope, because a glimmer can only be seen at certain times and every time you move so does that glimmer because it's just the light shinning in your eyes, it is not real, it does not exist and you can't catch something that isn't real. Sometimes you give up and stop chasing the glimmer, stop looking at the light because you know it isn't really there, but sometimes, if you're lucky, you look at the light for loner and the glimmer grows bigger and bigger until it is hope and happiness constantly shinning over you. Me, well I'm  closer to not looking at the light, my hope is fading, that glimmer is fading, everyday the glimmer because duller, but today something changed, the glimmer got brighter, I felt as though I could catch it, but then I tried and I failed and then I was alone and that tiny glimmer completely faded, now I need to work out how to get it back, or if I even want it back, I mean, it would be so much easier to give up on that small light, if I gave up. Nobody would notice, they are too busy laughing at their jokes to see me leave, that's what happened today and hopefully that will happen again, but when it does I won't walk back in with someone else, I won't walk back in at all. I won't scream anymore, nobody heard me anyway so I may as well save my breathe and fight this in silence, screaming is boring. 

see ya later demons.

"Madeline, welcome back"

"hey Albert"

"at the end of our last talk you said you were looking forward to todays talk, is that still true?"

"actually I dreaded coming today"

"and why is that?"

"because you were right, but also wrong"

"can you explain?"

"well, you remember me tell telling you about Courtney? yeah, well yesterday she came to me at lunch asking to sit with me and friends, obviously I said yes. we laughed and smiled and talked and became friends. my friends bombarded her with questions and that is when I found out that she has a boyfriend. Also, when she first arrived she wanted to talk in private so I stood up and went with her, the thing is, my friends were all so busy laughing and being happy that they didn't even realise I had gone and it made me think, if I were to die they wouldn't care because they have each other and they have their jokes and I just sit on the side faking everything and they don't realise, would they even notice I was gone? would anyone? I mean my parents don't care, they would probably celebrate if I died, my dad wants me dead, he said that to my face, straight after punching me, that, now that made me feel so loved and appreciated, people always say don't kill yourself because it will ruin your parents lives but I think that their lives would be better if I wasn't here, they wouldn't be struggling with money, they wouldn't have as many arguments, they wouldn't have to accept the fact that they are both having affairs because I wouldn't be there to shout that out in the middle of our family dinners, which are complete bullshit because we aren't a family, we cannot be called a family. if I died everything would be so much easier for everyone."

"what about your brother?"

"what?"

"you said life would be so much better for everyone if you died, but what about Elliot, he loves you more that anything in this world, if you were to leave him he would break, you and I both know that, so what about Elliot?"

"if I died he wouldn't have an annoying fucked up sister to take care of all the time, he wouldn't have to share a birthday, he wouldn't been seen as the twin of a freak at school, his life would be better as well"

"we both know that isn't true. Your friends love you, your brother loves you. I want you to go into more detail about if you died, do you want to die?"

"I don't know, it's not that I want to die it's just that I can't. we all to live to die, the only thing we are promised in life is death, how ironic, and if we all die eventually I don't see the point in living in pain, or living just to not be dead, that isn't living, its breathing but not living. I want it to stop"

"want what to stop?"

"the pain, the not feeling good enough, the lying to everyone, the faking everything, I just want everything to stop, I can't control it anymore and things that are out of my control scare me, they make me afraid and make feel alone and I don't want to be alone anymore, I can't be alone anymore, because when I'm alone that's when everything gets really bad"

"I think we need to talk more seriously about this"

"sorry, times up" I stood up and grabbed my coat

"Madeline please sit back down"

"times up" I walked towards the door 

"Madeline"

"times is up, goodbye Albert" I walked out the door and soon began to run, my time is not up yet.