dear depressed diary

entry #3

Dear depressed diary,

I was given some advice today, some advice on something that has been controlling my life for so long and know i feel as if i have some control over that thought, its like I'm getting some control over my life and i feel hopeful, for the first time in months, I feel hopeful. Like things are finally starting to slot together in my mind and everything will soon make sense and be alright, that I will be alright. For so long I've been searching for the light that will make everything better, but what if the light I'm looking for can't be found because it's me, what if I'm the light and I've been searching for the wrong thing this entire time? My life is mine, what happens and what doesn't happen is my decision, only I can decide what happens, nobody else has control over my life so i shouldn't let them have a hold over my every thought, and my every movement, my every words and my every breath. They don't control me, I control myself. I realise that now I'm ready to try and survive, not only survive but live. I am ready to live my life to the best it can be and I am ready to accept myself, even if others don't. 

So it's time to accept myself. I am a girl who falls in love with girls and boys, but maybe i don't fall in love with girls and boys, i fall in love with people. I don't care who knows anymore. If you want to put a label on it then sure, I am bisexual and I am proud of it. There I said it. I am bisexual. Now it's written it cannot be unwritten, the writing cannot hurt me, nobody can hurt me. Maybe this is how to overcome everything, writing down what demons live in my head, so then they aren't just in my head, if I let the demons out they can't attack me and I become stronger, so that is what I will do, I will let the demons out of my head, let them fall onto the paper and I won't let them hurt me, I am stronger today then I was yesterday, and I will be stronger tommorrow then I am today, that is how I will defeat this.

until next time,

see ya later demons.

I sat in my window, looking out on the world smiling, just smiling. I can do this, I can live, I will live.

"Madeline? what are you smiling at?" Elloit walked into my room, was sure to shut the door, and sat down at the window with me "did therapy go well today?"

"it went great, it actually helped me this time"

"helped with what?"

"I need to tell you something, and I need you to promise not to hate me or tell anyone, especially mum and dad, this is important to me and saying it out loud to someone who I love so much is probably the most nerve wracking thing I have ever done"

"Okay, okay, calm down, you know you can tell me anything and I would never hate you, even if you told me you had murdered somebody, but please that isn't it."

"It isn't"

"good, then there is nothing to worry about, all of your secrets are safe with me"

"Okay," suddenly my hands started to shake and my heart rate increased, I was so scared to say one of my demons out loud, it's so much different than writing it down and I'm starting to panic "I don't really know how to say it but i guess I'll just say it straight. I'm bisexual"

"seriously? thats what you were so worried about?"

"yeah"

"why the hell would I hate you for that? you really think I hadn't figured that out?"

"Wait, What? you knew? how?"

"Are you serious? the way you used to look at Shayne and now the way I see you look at Courtney, for someone who knows you as well as I do it's so obvious"

"wow, okay, so I was worried for nothing?"

"pretty much, now come on, its time for tea and you know what dad is like when we are late"

With that we left the window and my room and made our way down to our daily 'family' meal, of which we sit there in silence with dad reading a paper and often complaining about something and mum drinking about 5 wines just to get through it, they don't love each other and that is clear as day to see, but dad doesn't believe in divorce so they are together and always will be even though it is obvious they are both having affairs, the way dad stumbles into the house smelling of some cheap perfume and how some random guy can be heard sneaking out of the house before dad gets back. This family is a lie, it is not a family at all, just some twins and an unhappyily married couple. But I've grown used to it, it's life.