Tongue Tied

December 2010

His lips moved towards mine, my heart skipped about three beats, I froze to the spot, yet was absolutely jellified at the same time. I had no idea how the hell I held my body upright, but somehow, I just about managed it. Maybe Scott had his fingers tightly around my waist keeping me fixed in one place. I couldn't feel his touch anymore, the only thing I was aware of was his mouth moving tantalisingly towards mine, almost as if he was doing so in slow motion.

What if this ruins everything? My brain unhelpfully popped up. What if the kiss is terrible and there's nothing salvageable at the end of it?

Luckily, I couldn't fall too deeply into that rabbit hole which surely would've caused me to pull away because Scott wasn't messing around. His lips crashed into mine and his hands knotted up in my hair in what felt like a split second. I tingled all over as I finally had the moment I'd been dreaming about from the very first moment I laid eyes on this gorgeous guy.

It was a million times better than I thought it would be.

Flames ignited, desire grew, I moulded into him hoping this would never have to end. We kissed passionately like there was no tomorrow, all the feelings I'd kept locked up inside came out in the heat of the moment, and if I thought long and hard enough it seemed exactly the same was coming from him...

"Are you okay, sweetie?" Mum asked me quietly, snapping me from my daydream. "You look like you were lost there. Penny for your thoughts?"

"Oh, erm." My cheeks sizzled. I couldn't tell my mum I'd been remembering my magnetic kiss with Scott, it was too embarrassing for words. We weren't really close enough to talk about things like that. "I wasn't thinking about anything. Coursework, actually. I've got a lot to do so I was just thinking about that."

"Oh right...okay." Mum looked at me curiously, clearly, she didn't believe me. "If you say so. Everything's going well at university though, isn't it?"

"Yeah, yeah, it's great actually. I'm having a really good time. I've made some awesome friends. Natalie, who I've already told you about, and you know, the rest of them."

I'd been looking forward to coming home for a few weeks over Christmas, things had become a little stifling at university, but now I was here I wanted to get back.

Sort of.

I did on the one hand because I missed Natalie, the girls from my class, and Scott, of course. But he was also the reason I didn't want to return. Ever since that kiss, things had been weird, just as I feared. On the night, all was good, I allowed myself to believe I was the person Freya talked about in the bathroom, I let myself think the kiss and the slightly cryptic words that came before it was the start of something. I went to bed honestly believing I was going to become Scott's girlfriend.

How utterly foolish of me.

I didn't hear from him the next day, which stung hard but I didn't push it. I assumed he was sleeping off his hangover, or he had stuff to do. I gave myself a million excuses as to why I suddenly wouldn't hear from Scott when we usually spoke every single day, after the most monumental event of our lives so far. I knew it was all lies, but I had to keep the hope alive. I couldn't suffer a hangover and heartbreak all in one day. Natalie had a lot of gossip from the night anyway, so that was a good distraction.

But then the second day came along and I still didn't hear from him. That day I spent agonising over my phone, gazing at the blank screen as if it held all the answers. I typed out and deleted a million messages to him, wishing I knew what to say. What words were right for 'do you still like me? What did that kiss mean? Are we together now? Are we still friends? Why don't you love me?' It was too pathetic for words. Saying nothing felt like the safest option.