Tongue Tied

December 2011

I found it surprisingly easy to avoid Scott. Every time he text me to hang out, instead of jumping and racing to his side I made up some excuse. Whenever he called me I either didn't answer or I hung up really quickly. I didn't like to spend a lot of time on social media anyway so that was easy enough to avoid...all in all, my new life without him wasn't too difficult to achieve.

Until the Christmas drama performance came around just before we broke up for the holidays. I wanted to avoid it, I really did. I assumed it'd be much better for me to not go because of the big chance Kat would be there, but I couldn't be that much of a shitty friend. It felt like a step too far. I'd always supported his performance pieces, even the terrible miming thing his class did at the end of year one. If I did this I'd be sending a message so much stronger than I really wanted.

Yes, I needed to be just me, but at the same time, I didn't want to completely end things forever. I was sure a time would come when I'd feel comfortable to just be mates again.

I couldn't fully let go.

"I cannot believe I let you drag me to another one of these things," Natalie groaned, pushing her sunglasses up onto her head. The bags under her eyes revealed how tired and hungover she was, which didn't surprise me at all. She spent a lot of nights hanging out with her Sociology friends...there was one in particular I was just waiting to become her boyfriend. "This one better not be as horrific as the others."

I couldn't even pretend to keep my cool. My skin drained of colour, I didn't need a mirror to see that. "Is she here? Have you seen her yet?"

"No, I don't think she is. I don't think she'd bother coming all the way here for a stupid coursework play thing, do you?" I did, because I knew I would. "They might not even be together anymore. The distance might've ruined them. We wouldn't know because we haven't seen Scott for ages."

"I suppose so." There was no way I'd be able to relax, not when I didn't know for sure. "I guess it's been a while."

"How are you doing with all that? You haven't mentioned him in a long time."

"I'm good." I gave her my new standard response. It fell out my mouth without me even having to think about it. "I don't have much time to worry about him. As you know, my course has been keeping me really busy this year. I'm fine."

Natalie probably didn't believe me, if anyone could see right through my lie it was her, but she accepted my answer readily. "Good, I'm glad to hear it. It's great to see you doing so much better. I think cutting Scott out for a while was a good plan. Maybe now you guys can start hanging out a bit again and it'll go back to normal."

I darted a look her way. I didn't think she liked him much, I certainly didn't assume she'd be keen to start hanging out with him again, but perhaps I was wrong. Maybe it didn't feel right with us all separate.

"Yeah, we'll see."

The conversation halted by the room lights dipping and the spotlights flickering to life. Me and Natalie fell into silence while we waited for the performance—however terrible it might be—to begin...

***

The bathroom in the student bar was empty, giving me a moment to stare into my manic-looking eyes in the slightly grubby mirror. Watching Scott in the play was far more challenging than I expected. I thought the distance would make all the difference in the world, but it hadn't. Still he got to me, still, he made me feel muddy and raw.

It's okay, I survived it. I watched my mad eyes settle just a tiny bit. Now, I just have to have one celebratory drink and that's it.