Tongue Tied

September 2018

I glanced around nervously, continually looking for him. The bar filled with people, it seemed everyone I could remember from university had come, but not the only person whose magnetic pull I wanted to feel. Or didn't want to feel, I still wasn't quite sure. Much as I didn't want him here, knowing he could turn up at any moment was almost too much to handle.

As I'd learned previously, anticipation was the hardest part.

"Are you okay?" Natalie wound her arm around my waist. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Erm, yeah, I think so."

I tried to force a smile, but I couldn't quite make it happen. The years of locking myself away from the world with concrete sky-high walls around me came flooding back, making it impossible for me to behave properly.

"Good, I really need you to be strong right now. Gaz just walked in."

I steeled my spine, preparing to help her out. Funny how I could be so much stronger for someone else. I nodded, letting my friend know I'd be there for her no matter what. She linked her arm through mine and took me across the room to be near him. Natalie didn't glance at Gaz, but this was all for his benefit.

I flickered my eyes between them both, wondering what she was up to. If Natalie had a happy life with her fiancé then why did Gaz matter?

Then, it hit me.

Closure.

He was always 'the one who got away', she broke things off with him because she knew their lives were going in different directions. If she could've clung onto their relationship, she would've done, so I guess this was to see what could've been if things had been different. I didn't get the impression she was ready to leave her wonderful life behind, but she probably wanted to check, in case.

If anyone could understand that, it was me.

Maybe once I saw Scott, if I saw Scott, I'd feel the same way. Just putting the past behind me...

"Oh, Natalie!" Gaz's voice rang out from behind us both. "I didn't know you were coming..."

She span around, looking more beautiful than I'd ever seen her before, and she ran her eyes up and down his body. The moment was so perfect, I wished I had a camera to record it so I could show Natalie how wonderful she'd been later on. She'd love this sight.

"Oh, Gaz." She let out a little giggle. "Yes, here I am. And here you are too."

He shifted awkwardly from foot-to-foot. It looked like Gaz was desperately searching his brain for the right words to say. Natalie was being so cool it piled the pressure on him.

"You look good, Natalie. Really good, actually. Erm, how have things been with you?"

"Oh, great." Natalie flipped her hair over her shoulder, successfully showing her engagement ring off. Gaz's eyes widened in shock, instantly he knew he'd lost. "Work keeps me busy, London life is hectic, I'm sure you know how it is."

"Yeah, yeah, I've been busy too. I mean, I haven't exactly ended up using my education for any kind of work, but it's all good."

I felt so sorry for him, I could see Gaz floundering, so I wanted to step in. He needed some reassurance, and I hoped someone else would do the same for me when I needed it.

"No, I'm not in a job I like either," I injected with a fake laugh. "Not all of us can be as awesome as Natalie."

She shot me a grateful smile, loving the way I'd boosted her up. I wondered if she knew I truly meant it. I admired her greatly for achieving her goals and gaining happiness too. I wished my life could be more like that, I was jealous of her, but mostly I was proud.