Tongue Tied

July 2018

'Oh, my goodness, Carlie, it's been such a long time! I've missed you so much. How have you been, girl? We absolutely have to meet up sometime, I've got so much to tell you xx'

I stared at Natalie's message, reading it for what felt like the hundredth time, trying to feel anything other than numbness. This was a good thing, she wanted to hang out with me again, she didn't totally hate my guts...so why didn't I feel happy? Why was I all cold and empty?

I breathed deep, ignoring the raggedy sound in my throat. There wasn't any point in freaking myself out, now I'd taken this step I had to roll with it, if only to get Doctor Russ off my back. That woman didn't like me to rest on my laurels. As soon as I'd done something she kept pushing me to do the next thing, then the next, it was a nightmare. Once I re-started the exercises, she wanted me back in physio, once I wrote in the journal, she needed more from me, every time I spoke about something, she just had to dig deeper. It was relentless.

'I'd love that! Here's my number so you can call me whenever.'

There, done. I'd placed the ball firmly in Natalie's hands and now it was up to her to take the next step. If she'd only said those things to be polite then fine, she didn't ever have to ring me. I wasn't sure I'd ever call if she offered me her number. I'd somehow shrunk in on myself so badly, become such an introvert even the simplest of task felt impossible...

A ringing sound burst out from my phone, causing me to jump so violently I nearly fell from the chair. I guess I hadn't realised how quiet the house was until that moment.

"Hello?" I answered cautiously because a number I didn't recognise came up on the screen.

"Hey, Carlie!" My heart stopped dead in my chest. It couldn't be... "It's Natalie just in case you didn't recognise my voice. How are you?"

"N...Natalie?" I stared at the computer screen wondering how the message had travelled so fast. "It's good to hear from you. That was quick!"

"I just had to call as soon as I got your number, it's been forever. I know that's my fault because I'm so utterly shit at keeping in touch. I just get so busy, you know how it is." I made an agreeable but non-committal noise. "But what perfect timing, if you hadn't messaged me, I definitely would've messaged you."

"You would?" That lifted my spirits, she wanted to be my friend as much as I did hers. "That's awesome, I'm glad I reached out then."

"Yeah, well you remember Freya? She was at university with us. Freya...I can't remember her surname. Anyway, that's not important. Freya's set up a Facebook group thingy and she wants us to have like a mini-reunion thing, to catch up after five years. Are you online now? I'll add you to the group."

In her usual forceful way, Natalie did it without even giving me a chance to answer. I received a notification alert mere seconds later which unlocked all sorts. I knew I shouldn't, I wasn't sure I wanted to fall into the endless abyss, but I couldn't help it. I clicked on the notification to delve right into the group.

If this was the same Freya I thought it was, then Scott knew her too.

Freya Matthews. Back to haunt me.

"Oh right, she wants to meet at that bar not too far from uni campus," I replied hoarsely, trying to act like I wasn't completely shattering inside. "Will many people be able to go?"

"If you look through the comments, it seems like everyone's up for it. It should be really fun. Oh, but I don't want to go alone. Say you'll come with me. It'll be good to see them all. Life has moved so quickly I think it'll do me good to step back."