Tongue Tied

June 2019

I hadn't been back to this spot since the day it happened. There wasn't anything to draw me to the place where everything changed dramatically, I didn't even live nearby any longer. But today, the year anniversary of the moment another car slammed into mine, it felt right. I stared at the scene, knowing I needed this.

If I hadn't been in the car that day, if I wasn't sinking into a downwards spiral because everything was too hard, if my emotions weren't wrecked, then nothing would've turned out as it had.

Being with Scott wasn't exactly as I imagined, there were times it definitely wasn't perfect. Maybe if we didn't know how hard it was to be apart from one another, we would've given up. Thankfully, struggling with Scott was so much better than being without him. Even in our hard times, he made me happy. He was the one person who could bring a smile to my face even when I thought there wasn't a scrap of joy left inside me. Just by being him.

I didn't ever want to be without him again.

Natalie had become another rock. Okay, so I didn't get to see her as much as I'd like, the distance between us made it hard, but we had technology to keep us connected, and we both made an effort to visit. The more time I spent with her, the more I saw her life wasn't picture perfect either. But one of the most important things to come from this was the knowledge no one had that. Everyone had their issues. Those problems just couldn't feel as bad with wonderful people surrounding me.

I'd done a lot of good for myself as well, it wasn't all about the richness other people brought to my life. I took the power into my own hands to make things right. I made more of an effort with other people, mainly my mother, I put more into life in general, and I finally started chasing the things I wanted.

The more I put into life, the more I got out of it. Whoever told me that was right.

From that, I landed myself a job in a copyeditor's office. Only a junior position vaguely linked to where I want my life to go, but it was a step. Not only did I enjoy the work, the people were awesome too. Supportive and inspiring, rather than ready to tear one another down. This reignited my love for all the things I studied at university and it gave me my passion back. My drive too. I'd returned to writing every single day. One day, I hoped to have a novel to finally call my own.

I still didn't know what tomorrow would hold, the accident had taught me anything could change in a heartbeat, but I had the ability to tackle anything. I wasn't powerless, I didn't feel everything spinning out of control, I'd become the driver of my own damn vehicle and I could steer in whatever direction I wanted.

Finally, somewhere it hit me I was enough, I could do anything, and that kept me going every single day. I had my voice now, I was no longer tongue-tied.

All I had to do was keep being me.