Tongue Tied

December 2010

"Urgh, New Year's Eve." Natalie giggled and took a massive swig from her bottle of liquid that'd slowly become unidentifiable. "Why are we here again? Classes don't start for another week. I could've been at home."

"I hate to tell you this, but you pretty much dragged me along. It isn't too bad though, is it? We probably would've been gutted if we missed out. It looks like everyone else is here."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right."

Natalie tucked her fifties-style swinger skirt underneath her butt as she sat on what appeared to be an upside-down barrel. The pin-up look really suited her. If she wasn't in such a foul mood I might've suggested she take up the rockabilly style full time, but something weighed heavily upon her.

"Are you alright, Natalie?" I rested my hand comfortingly on her shoulder. "You seem really fed up."

"I dunno." She sipped again and fixed her eyes on the floor. "I just feel a bit down. The thought of going back to uni sucks. I'm not enjoying my course as much as I thought I would and I'm finding it harder than I expected too."

Guilt crushed my chest. I felt bad I'd allowed this situation with Scott to consume me so much I'd neglected my friend. I didn't think I was a self-involved person but heartache had made me act that way. In a slightly tipsy moment, I vowed to myself I'd be more attentive to everyone around me, not just him.

"I'm sorry, Natalie, I didn't realise." I moved my chair closer to her and stared into her eyes. There was such a sadness to the deep brown colour, I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed it before. "Have you tried talking to your lecturer about it?"

"Not yet, but I think I will when we go back." She huffed dejectedly, deflating like a balloon. "I think I'm gunna have to if I don't want to drop out. The last thing I want is give up, I spent so long wanting to come here to do this exact course. It'll be awful to chuck it away now."

The idea Natalie might actually leave me alone in university was utterly horrifying. It sobered me up in less than a second. I couldn't believe she actually hated her life at university so much she didn't want to do it anymore. However crappy things had been for me, there wasn't even a moment when I thought maybe I didn't want to do it anymore. I needed my qualification, without it I had an even less certain future.

"Yeah, it would. And also, I'm sure there are options for you." Desperation circled me. Not only would I be losing my best friend, but my roommate too. There were other people living in my student accommodation but I hadn't bothered getting to know them. If Natalie left I'd have to open up all over again. "Maybe you could change what areas of Geography you're focused on. Or you could change your course to a different one." I grasped at straws. "It's only been one term, it probably isn't too late to make any changes." I took her hand in mine and gave her what I hoped would be a reassuring grin. "We'll work it out somehow, and if you're feeling miserable again then talk to me. I'm your friend. That's what I'm here for."

Natalie gave me a weak, thin-lipped smile in return. "Yeah, well the same goes for you too. I don't want you to keep things like Scott from me again. Speaking of which..." She scanned her eyes over the crowds of people filling the room. "Have you spoken to him yet."

"No," I shot back sharply, but just because I hadn't spoken to him didn't mean I wasn't acutely aware of his presence the entire time. I hated that he hadn't just come over to chat. This would never have happened before. The kiss was a big mistake, obviously.

It would never happen again, that much I felt certain of.

"Maybe you don't need to," Natalie told me, using the same uncertain tone I'd used when reassuring her. "Maybe it's unnecessary. Space is probably what you both need, and I know it isn't what you want to hear but perhaps cutting off your friendship is exactly what has to happen. You might not see it now, but it'll probably be for the best in the long run."