Tongue Tied

September 2018

"So, physio is going much better?" Doctor Russ actually smiled at me, which had to be a first. "That's great news, isn't it?"

"I can move my leg a lot more freely."

I demonstrated by kicking up my foot, trying my hardest not to wince as I did. The sharp pain still burst free every time I jolted, but I didn't care. The overwhelming joy I had at the progression which once seemed impossible overshadowed everything else.

It pained me to admit, but maybe my negative mental attitude hadn't been useful. It obviously wasn't the cause of my pain, but it certainly hadn't helped. With anything, actually.

"That's great, and the tone of your journal seems much brighter too. It's good you got in touch with Natalie. Her influence has been extremely positive."

"She is." I couldn't keep the dumb-looking smile off my face. "And I'm actually going to see her tonight which is awesome. It's been years. I can't wait."

Some of my memories were still a little foggy, I hadn't recovered all of them in a crystal-clear view, but I did know I'd left university in a negative spin after everything soured with Scott and not looked back even once. I'd shut myself off from the people I cared about most because I'd caused hurt and I didn't want to face up to it. Also, because I fought so hard to carve out a career for myself, nothing else entered my blinkered view. Not until the crash anyway, and maybe the moments before where everything intensified.

It wasn't Natalie's fault it'd been forever since we talked, it was mine. She took the blame because she'd been busy too, but if I'd made even one iota of effort, it wouldn't have ended up like this.

Maybe that was why I kept everyone else at arm's length after. I didn't feel worthy of friendship after what I did. It made sense, and to be fair that did sound like me.

"Have you been back to work yet?"

"No." I shook my head fervently. "I don't think I will either. I know that might seem a bit of a cowardly choice, but I want to do something else with my life. I didn't study hard at my degree to work in a job I don't like. I'm starting to see that there's more to life than a career which sounds amazing, especially when it isn't, and I think this might be the perfect time to work on that."

"Okay." Doctor Russ pondered my words. "That's a very self-aware statement to make, which is wonderful. You've been very introspective, which I think might be how you spend a lot of your life, but now you're starting to see the bigger picture too. You have to have them both to survive."

A swell of pride flooded my chest. Finally, I'd done something to make her happy with me! It hadn't taken me long to come to the same conclusion, I already knew setting foot into a job which only created negativity. If I wanted to make some changes, this was the only chance I'd get.

"I don't know what I'm going to do yet, I'm still researching that part, but I do feel positive."

Doctor Russ banged her clipboard down on the table. A small laughter-type sound bubbled up in her mouth and soon burst free. My spine stiffened, an odd bolt of panic exploded in my stomach, for one dreaded moment I felt like everything was about to tilt and shift. My fingers even curled around the bottom of my chair in preparation.

"I didn't think things were going to progress so quickly with you, Carlie, I have to admit that. When I first met you, you seemed so sunken into a hole of sadness that I thought it'd take ages to get you out. I cannot believe how well you've done."

"Oh, wow...thank you!"

It was so nice to be noticed for something positive. Even if my positivity balanced dangerously on tonight. I wanted to believe I had a brand-new inner-strength which would get me through anything, but I wasn't totally sure I'd fully made it. Too much teetered on how it'd be once me and Natalie got back together again. Face-to-face, not just over messages.