I'm serious!

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There was an egg shell, in my eggs. What I mean to say is, that when I bit down on my scrambled eggs, a small piece of egg shell lodged itself in-between my two front teeth. It bled! Look, I am meticulous about breaking open the egg shells, and I never miss even the smallest of pieces. I think something put that piece in my eggs on purpose. I think something is trying to kill me, on purpose! 

Look, I know I"m not crazy, okay? I can prove it, because this isn't the first time something like this happened. For instance, just the other day, the light turned off in my living-room. All on its own! I was rocking back and forth in my rocking chair, and the light switch was right behind me, so I would have known if something snuck in behind me. I'm not stupid! And when that light went off, well, I had to get up and turn it back on. I could have tripped over something in that darkness, okay? I could have sprang an ankle. 

Something is out to get me. I can feel it. Don't you believe me? Look, I can give you another example, okay? Another recent one, I was walking down the stairs, and I tripped. I fell down three stairs, and landed on my ass, you know what, that hurt alot. I know, it could happen to anyone, but it hurt alot. And more to the point, the stairs were carpeted. You don't just slip on those all that easily, you know that? Something pushed me, or something like that. 

And before that, I was in the kitchen. I was cutting up an onion. Do you know what happened, with that knife? I cut something off with that knife. I cut off the very tip of the onion, and apparently that is the juiciest part. A flood of onion juice shot right into my right eye. I had to use eye drops for a week.  

And even crazier, this I know will prove to you that I'm not crazy, a week ago, I was watching TV, and the phone I was talking on fell out of my hands, and into a cup of water. I don't even remember putting it there. Something else moved the cup of water right there, but I didn't know about that. You see, there is something after me. 

I'm serious about this. You still don't believe me do you? Oh come on. Alright, I have one more, just one more. Okay, so this one time, I was vacuuming a carpet, and suddenly, the device sucked up a small paper clip. I don't even use those stupid things, but there it was, and it could have blown up the cleaner or whatever. I don't know. But I'm serious about this, okay? I mean, that's spooky right? Like I said, I don't even use paperclips, that's really weird.

There was this other time where I imagined some chairs flying around, but that's super unlikely, and there was this one dream I had where something was just beating me silly, and I woke up with bruises, but those were just from rolling around too much in my sleep. There were more, but they were just too off the sleeve, like this time I heard voices, or the time I kept getting scratches on my face. But I think I just get really itchy. Yeah, some real silly things, so don't judge me based on those, just understand the ones I already listed.

Look around you, right know, it could be with you too.

I'm serious. Like, really.

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