The Player and the Played

24. The Letter

"Beth's letter?" Tyler echoed.

"Yeah. Maybe the curiosity is another thing that's been killing you. The curiosity and the guilt. Maybe the letter will help with both."

"Okay," he said, taking a deep breath. "It's in the first drawer in my desk." I walked over to his desk, opening the first drawer, my fingers shaking a little. What if the letter made it all worse? What if it reminded him of her and he began missing her more? But then, he should have read the letter long back when she died. I shuffled through a few papers to find a slightly yellowing sheet of paper covered in scrawling cursive. It was crumpled and addressed to Tyler. But it had been smoothened out and turned over. He must have opened it but crumpled it and put it face down.

I opened it cautiously and handed it to him. His face was as impassive as a rock but his eyes could show how terrified he was. How her death still affected him. He took it hesitantly before his eyes scanned through it. I didn't ask him what she wrote, respecting his privacy.

"She said-," he started.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," I assured him.

"I know. But that's one of the reasons that I want to. I'll just read it out loud," he said.

"Dear Tyler, I'm so sorry. I love you. I really do but I can't do it. I can't do this, this whole life. Maybe writing a note that you'd see after Ive you know...I hate saying it but after I've killed myself. God I just cringed. But you deserve an explanation. You deserve an explanation for why I left you when we promised we'd be together forever. For why I was such a terrible girlfriend. For why I broke your heart. If I don't explain it, you'll blame yourself and I don't want that. Tyler, you were my only source of light in my darkness. You were always the only person to make me smile. You were so sweet and caring. You weren't only a good boyfriend but a great friend. You were the only reason I hadn't done it sooner. So why did I change my mind? It's because of what my dad did to my mom. They had a bad fight. He hit her. A lot. And she became unconscious. I was terrified. If my home didn't make me safe, what would? Not school where people whispered about me, feeling self satisfied with the dumb rumours they made up about me being a slut. You were the only one who stood by me. But with the bullying, the abusive dad and one more thing I haven't told you, I couldn't do it. The other thing was that I'm bulimic. I don't know why. It was just my way to deal with life. With my insecurities. EDs aren't always because of insecurities only. And mine was just because of everything. I regret it so much but I couldn't stop. I didn't want to eat without puking my guys later on. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm writing this in a hurry. In around thirty minutes, you'll be here. And you'll see me. Not alive. I'm probably going to regret what I'm about to do but I don't know if there's another solution. I'm sorry for being so weak. I'm just so sorry. I love you. I always have,
Beth."

"Why her?" Tyler said after a minute, the pain in his voice clear.

"I don't know, Tyler. But while she was alive, you made her life amazing. And she fought herself, her demons, for a long time. I don't know her but I do know she was strong and she loved you. She didn't want you to be affected."

"I don't know whether I'm moving on or not. But I'm still affected. I don't know if I can never not be.I don't even know how I feel about her death. The letter did help, in a way. At least now I knows why she did it. But reading her words in her handwriting hurt a bit. Maybe it should have hurt more though. It should have hurt more every time she said she loved me," he said.

"I'm no expert at this but I think that means you're moving on but aren't ready to accept it. But moving on is okay. She would want that for you."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Ty, I'm sure."

"Well what if I'm falling for someone else now?"

"That could be good. You're slowly moving on, I guess," I said, the words leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. For some reason, him falling for some other girl was a weird thought.

"What if that girl is you?" He asked again after a second.

A/N
Hi hoomans and sexy martians and crazy Lunars (I don't discriminate yay)
I'm sorry I couldn't update because I write on my iPod and I didn't have it for a long time. Also I wrote this on Friday and haven't had wifi until now. You I know. Fml. Also I'm pretty sure I'm failing all my tests and I mess up really easy shit ughhh fml.

I've said fml too many times haven't I?

Okay so recently, I met one of my friends who's also reading the book and she was like "When are you going to update you just left us on a cliffhanger like that" and I now know how Rick Riordan felt after finishing The Mark Of Athena. Except kinda less. I don't have a huge fandom screaming bloody murder behind me. Yes I'm still annoyed about that rick hanger. I'm sorry for non PJO fans who didn't get that reference. But you PJO fans know what I'm talking about.
Btw: if you haven't read Percy Jackson, go read it. It's amazhang.

Moving on:

Quote
We're all a little broken but last I checked, broken crayons coloured the same.

Song:

Byeee!!
Xoxo
Anu.