I'm Lost Without Your Love (Trixya)

Chapter 28- I'm Sorry/Goodbye World...

(Katya's POV)

"I think he's waking up" I heard various voices; I opened my eyes and saw all the queens gathered round me like I was dead...am I dead, did I really relapse.

"What's going on" I asked looking around each queen "Brian what the fuck happened, are you okay" Aaron asked looking at me with great concern.

"I...I...I want Heroine" I said, it was all true; I relapsed and now I want it coursing through me, maybe I could find that dealer.

"Brian you idiot" Roy snapped me back into reality "you don't want heroine but you need help, this can't go on" Roy said lifting me up so my back was against the bed.

"Brian you need a reality check and help; you're going to end up killing yourself and the people who love you" he said with a stern look "I'm not killing myself; it was one fix let me go" I said and somehow managed to stand to my feet; I'm not killing myself... I'm killing Brian, oh god what have I done. 

"Brian just calm down honey; we can get you help but Roy is right, you're going to kill yourself and everybody who loves you" Justin said. 

"I don't care; none of you understand what my body wants and you aren't going to stop me from taking heroine" I started to panic at the thought if Brian knew what I did last night but for some reason; my mind was refusing to even think about him back at home. 

Its like my mind and my body no longer in battle with each other and they both want the same thing...heroine. 

My mind should be on my side yet it just wants me to have heroine and continuously relapse until I do eventually overdose. 

Was I doing okay; not having heroine for months or was I just doing it to keep Brian happy and to reassure him that I was okay when in reality, I'm not okay. 

I was never okay to even be on this tour, let alone try and keep myself sober; I relapsed last night and there's nothing I can do to take back what I did last night. 

"I need to go" I said grabbing all my personal items like wallet, passport, literally everything; I wasn't continuing the tour and I'm not going home either, I'm running away. 

"Where you going" Aaron asked as I continued to pack my rucksack "somewhere that doesn't concern you" I said grabbing my jacket and putting my rucksack upon my shoulder.

"Look just calm down; we're all just worried about you that's all" Jerick said "no don't you tell me that you're worried about me; none of you know what I'm going through right now" I said with anger boiling through my veins.

"I do" Kurtis said walking towards me "and I do too Brian" Aaron said "we both know what its like" Aaron sighed "no you don't; you don't know shit" I said "but I know shit Brian; I was addict a long time ago and I've been in this position" Kurtis said.

"And if anyone would want to try and understand then I can because I know" Kurtis sighed "lets get some coffee down you and talk yeah; running away isn't going to help your situation" Aaron said.

"I don't give a flying fuck; fuck all of you" I said grabbing my phone "just come here yeah" Kurtis walked closer towards me "NOOOO FUCK YOU" and within that moment; I punched Kurtis in the face and he slammed to the ground.

"Jesus Christ Brian" Roy gasped; oh my god, I've just punched Kurtis in the face, what have I become. 

"Brian just..." I cut Aaron off "no just...fuck off" I panicked and ran out of the hotel room with my phone close to my chest. 

Holy shit I just punched Kurtis in the face when all he was trying to do was help me; I'm sorry Brian but I'm not continuing BOTS tour and I'm not coming home. 

But what I was running to my dark friend; I knew I couldn't keep my cravings down and now I just want to overdose on heroine. 

Brian doesn't deserve this heartache and he doesn't need a fucked up drug addict boyfriend like me so that's why I might as well overdose. 

Of course I love doing my job but there's really no hope at this point and reality has hit me that I will never be sober again and I'll always be filled with drugs. 

There's only a certain point Brian can hit before he just won't be able to help me anymore and I don't want to put him through anymore heartache so I might as well be gone out of this world. 

I was glad to know the city I'm in and in the end I just ran to the alley way I was just a few hours prior; I know its early because we had an early morning. 

Now already I had called the dealer from last night and I was willing to even sell my body if I don't have enough money. 

Its what I used to do in university; sell my body for sex so I could afford to buy drugs, now I'm starting to wonder how drugs became a part of me. 

Eventually I saw the dude from last night and now I was slightly terrified because he's a lot more buff in the light; I mean last night I couldn't see shit. 

"You don't seem like a drug addict" he said as he approached me "I'm not suppose to be a drug addict; I'm suppose to be an entertainer" I sighed "must be going well for you" he said.

I wanted to punch him in the face for his sarcasm but I would probably get my ass kicked big time if I picked up a fight with him. 

"There, sterilised needle and the H in the bag here" he handed over both items "thanks" I said placing them in my pockets "keep my number, you might become a regular" he said starting to walk away; why is he being so nice all of a sudden, hang on. 

"You forget the money" I said "na keep it; you're a hot dude" he winked and soon was out of my sight. 

Huh since when are drug dealers gay all of a sudden; maybe that's why he wanted me to keep his number because he also happens to be a male escort. 

Not like I would ever cheat on Brian but as he doesn't deserve a fucked up boyfriend like me; I wouldn't mind doing that drug dealer. 

I started walking out of the alley way and to a random cheap hotel so I could have my fix; I'm pretty sure I have enough to overdose and for good this time, no taking me to hospitals, let me die in peace. 

Okay Brian saving me the first time; I still owe him my life for but so far I haven't done a good job as I've relapsed again and I'm about to do it all over again. 

I found a cheap hotel and to be fair the room was actually pretty decent but I wasn't coming for a nice hotel room, I was coming here to do my fix. 

I dropped my rucksack upon the floor followed by my jacket and started to prepare my heroine, exactly what I was doing last night before I had a little nap. 

Once I had prepared and my heroine and had it placed within the needle; I sat upon the bed and undid my belt and wrapped it around my usual area. 

All my bad thoughts had returned and they were screaming at me to just inject myself but one thing was preventing me from going any further...Brian. 

My behaviour has been unacceptable which I'm mostly referring to punching Kurtis in the face; that should never have happened but I can't take it back. 

"I love you Brian Firkus my baby boy, my lover but most importantly my bestfriend" I sighed "I'm going to miss you baby boy and I'm so sorry" I said and slowly slid the injection into my forearm and I instantly felt the heroine hit me like a ton of bricks. 

I laid upon my back and closed my eyes as terrifying images of Brian were entering my mind yet its too late. 

The heroine was coursing through my veins and I can't go back; this is where my life ends and I'm going from an overdose. 

"Goodbye Brian Firkus...my bestfriend I will love for eternity" I whispered and that was it...I may or may not wake up tomorrow; goodbye world.