All the Reasons To Hide

Sorry Means Nothing

"Fine." I stepped out into the hall with him, not sure what he wants me to say.
"Want you to talk to me again, I want you to stop shutting me out!"
"Well that's never gonna happen!"
"Can't you just accept my apology?!"
"You know Scott sometimes sorry just doesn't cut it! We were so close! You were the only thing keeping my in Texas and you ruined me." Well I guess I lost the game I tried to play. But it's not like it was working anyway.
"I understand that, but you won't let me show you that I'm okay! I can be okay for you!"
"No Scott you don't understand. You weren't even supposed to find me! You weren't supposed to realize that I was alive. I didn't want you to!" I looked away and put my hands to my face and started shaking, trying to hold back all the pain I have been feeling over the last few months without him by my side. When I'm with him, everything feels like it could possibly be okay again. But I know t won't and I just can't let myself fall for his trap again. I can't let him guide me through life anymore. It's time I start doing it by myself.
"Why?" I slump against the wall tears falling freely down my face. No shame though, I gave up trying to hide it a while ago. My tears express how I feel about the situation and right now all I feel is trapped. I want this to all be over with. I want him to just stop!!!
"Because I knew that the minute you knew it was me then this would happen and trust me when I say i didn't want it to. All I want if for you to go back to Texas and forget about me. Scott I'm not worth it."
"You know I didn't recognize you at first." Good to know you idiot! I didn't recognize you either!
"Their was something I saw when we first fell into each other. I looked into your eyes and I knew that we were connected somehow. I remember thinking that I saw those eyes before and I had. I had seen those eyes through a smaller more terrified frame. You didn't look terrified anymore Mitchie. You looked stable and that was something I had never seen inside of you before, that's what made it hard to recognize you at first cause the young Mitch was scared of every shadow. Now you're all badass, how did you even know it was me?"
"I guess I didn't til I looked into your eyes. You just looked familiar and when I finally put the pieces together I had to get away."
"But why?"
"Because You beat me up in a fucking alley! You ruined my life cause you wanted to try a blunt, you wanted to be cool, don't act like you did it for me. You did it to help yourself!"
"Why can't you just forgive me?!" He can't be serious. After all those years he's still the biggest idiot I've ever crossed paths with. I can't believe him. He beat me up and left me bloody and bruised for his own personal gain.
"You promised to protect me me when it came to us against the world! You chose the world instead of me Scott. And you know, once promised are broken. Sorry means nothing. It will never mean anything cause I'm done with you!" I took a step to face away from him, my hands colliding with the wall. There to catch me when I fall to my doom.
"Do you remember what you told me when you gave me the ring?" Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. He gave me a promise ring to keep til we were out of high school. Til he could legally marry me, we'll propose.

*flashback*

Scott has taken me out for dinner to celebrate our two year anniversary. Two years with this clown and he takes very good care of me. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. This is the first time I've ever worn a dress in public. It makes me feel amazing, it makes me feel powerful. I just hope no one sees me in it. I could be in for an even worse beating that way, I can't already picture the insults.
I'm disgusting.
I deserve nothing.
I'm trash.
I'm fat.
I'm worthless.
I'm-
"Beautiful." This is what Scott says to me as he grabs my hand and fits it in his own. Nice restaurant, nice place, perfect guy. I couldn't ask for anything better.
"What?"
"You said you were a worthless piece of trash and that you were fat. Mitch I can't stand it when you talk about yourself like that. You were so in your own head that you didn't even realize you said this out loud. I love your dress, I love your feminine qualities and I love you. Even if they try to hurt us they won't be able to because no matter what I will protect you. I promise I will never let anyone else do you harm. I promise that I will never hurt you and if I ever do, I will try whatever it takes to get you back into my arms." Suddenly he was off the table and in front of me, Down on his knee. With a little tiny box in his hands. I know that he isn't proposing to me. We agreed not to go their for a few years. So what's in this little box now! It's probably like a chip, then we can go and laugh about this while cuddling in the couch.
"Mitch I know we have talked about marriage a lot these past few years, and I still don't think you and I are ready yet." Good.
"But that doesn't mean I can't make a promise." Wait what?
"Mitch Grassi I promise to love and care for you every single day of my life. I promise to never ever hurt you and never leave you to feel bad things. And I know you aren't very big on the whole ring thing, so I bought you a chain to go with the ring I bought. You can wear my promise around your neck and remember just how much I love you. Will you except this?"
"Yes Scott"

*end of flashback*

I still continue to wear this around my neck, I've just gotten so used to carrying it around that I can't function without it. It has nothing to do with him. Can you tell my lies? On some days I can't stand it being in my body, some days it's as if the ring is burning holes into me. Oddly enough the rings placed over where my heart is. Ironic ain't it? What is supposed to be a symbol of our love has turned into a symbol of his betrayal.
"I promise to never leave you! I promise to always protect you! Recognize your own words Scott! YOUR PROMISES MEAN NOTHING!"
"I also promised that if I ever did hurt you I'd do whatever it takes to get you back and that's what I'm doing!" I pulled it out of my shirt, The ring he gave me. The ring I still have after all these years.
"You still-"
"It calms me down when I'm upset."
"Mitch this just proves my point."
"No it proves mine."
"Wha-"
"I'm not who you think I am Scott. I'm not who you want me to be."
"All I want you to be, is Mitch."
"That's the sad part. The Mitch you knew is gone and I'm never gonna be him again. Now I have a concert to get ready for." I walked up to my for and slowly open it, ready to walk in and leave him behind.
"I think it would be best if you forgot about me." And then i was gone.
You know sometimes it gets me thinking, if he did end up proposing what would I have said to him? It occurs to me that this is a no brainer. Ready or not I would have said yes. In a heartbeat.