All the Reasons To Hide

Just Dive

I didn't know what I was supposed to say, I didn't know what I was supposed to do. He loved me, he actually loved me. I can't hide from him anymore and he won't let me leave his life. He grew up and so did I.
I love him.
I actually love him, I am in love with Scott Hoying. I still wear his ring, he never leaves my mind, I always wish that he was here with me.
So why do I keep holding back? Cause it's better for the both of us. He doesn't need me. Even though I need him can't keep him here for my personal benefit. I love you Scott Hoying But we could never ever work out. I don't think my heart can stand to break anymore than it already has. Nothing will go back to normal, not without him. I can't do it. I hate myself, I really, really hate myself. I hate that I can't just let him walk out of my life, I hate the fact that no matter what I do to get rid of him he won't leave. I tried but never got the closure that I needed. The glue I thought was holding me together fell apart and now I'm back to square one. What he did doesn't even matter to me anymore. All that matters is he's trying to fix it, he just wants my love. It's better that I stay away from him though. I'll be okay, I will.
I can't think, I can't even fathom what just happened. All I know is that I ran away, off star and darted for the corner of my dressing room. Creating a barricade of furniture on front of my door. My breathing heavy and my knees weak. When suddenly I can't catch my breath, it all got stuck in my throat along with sobs. God I have to get out of here! I can't stand being in this place another minute! I'll walk if i have too, all I know is that i can no longer be here.
The walls start to zoom in on me getting closer and closer together as I continue to take more steps. But I am still going to try. Dizzy and exhausted I try to make it to the door. But I can't do it, my bodies to weak. I collapse on the floor falling onto something hard. I cry out in pain and before I know it my entire world goes black.
********************************************
I slowly enter a conscious state when I feel a cool rag being wiped on my head. I slowly peel my eyes open and remember everything that has just occurred. I look up to see who is lying beside me, it's Kirstie. I slowly sit up making sure I'm not as dizzy as I was before, I don't want to pass out again.
"I tried to come in and the door was barricaded, when I was finally able to push through I come in and see you in the floor. I thought something bad might have happened."
"I don't know what happen exactly, all I know is I can't go back out their and finish the concert, not with him out their."
"Mitch, you have to stop being afraid of what's out there, everything will work itself out."
"But you don't understand! Everything that I have worked to hide for years just crumbled when-"
"You were standing face to Face with the reason you left? It's intense I understand but you can't keep running away from how you feel."
"I don't know what your talking about. I feel nothing for Scott and I never will. Ever again."
"Yeah And i don't have a left foot. You can't honestly look at me in the eyes and tell me you don't love him anymore. Either look me in the eyes and tell me that you haven't thought about him every day since you left or just allow yourself to feel whatever you have shut out." I lift my head and look at her in the eyes, but I can't say it, i can't say that i never think about him. It's just isn't the truth. She knows that i could never admit that honestly.
"Of my god." I look at her, shock pulsating through my body. It has truly hit me for the first time. I like actually love him. This isn't all in my head. I may have just sent him away forever. What do I do?! How can I fix this?! Flipping out, I begin to cry.
Again. But Kirstie is here to hold me this time.
"I love him Kirst. I really do and I don't want to, god what the hell am I supposed to do?"
"We go home."
"What?"
"We go home and you think with a level head what you really want."
"I know what I want."
"And what is that?"
"Him."
"Then I think your choice is clear."
"And if he hates me?"
"He won't."
"How do you know that?"
"Because unlike you. I read the letter."
So we went back home and I curled up onto the couch and cried some more, hoping for the do over that I am never going to get. All I want is the chance to tell him that I love him to.
Suddenly, there's a knock at my door. I freeze where I am. Eyes puffy and cheeks red. I slowly get up from the couch and reach the door handle. Pulling it it open while staring at the floor.
It's him. I knew it would be.
"Look Mitch I'm-"
Before he can get out another word I fly into this arms, placing my head in the crook of his neck pulling him impossibly closer to me.
"I never stopped loving you." I whisper this into his chest, I'm crying. Probably soaking his shirt. What can I say? It's been an emotional day. He pulls away from me and instantly goes for my lips. Our kiss is sweet and soft, I have been waiting so long to do this again. I climb back into his arms, not realizing we are still in the doorway.
"God I never though I would ever be in your arms again."
"I never thought you'd let me hold you." I continue clinging to him, scared he will disappear before my eyes. I can't let him go, I won't let him go. I don't want him to go. I need him, I love him. He'll Im in love with him. I can't let him walk away from me because I'm scared.
"Please stay. Please god I was such an idiot I am an idiot I just thought that you'd-"
"No Mitch never. I will never ever let you go and no amount of pain or lies will ever make me leave again."
God I can only hope.