All the Reasons To Hide

The Reasons To Hide

Is anything even worth it? What the hell is the point of this anymore? This whole living thing. Why does Scott even want to be with me? I know I've tried not to let it affect me, and I did great when I was still on tour. But when everything just stops and I no longer have an obligation to my work, I can't help but think that everything he said was true. I really am fat and ugly and I don't deserve to be in the world that I am. He's right. I'm worthless. But I don't know how I'm supposed to fix that.
I have reunited with Kirstie and I am currently at her house, chillin and talking about her fashion line. Scott's off at college for the next half hour. He's going to become a music producer which he seems to really be enjoying. But I do miss him, he doesn't notice as much since he needs to be more focused on his work but that's okay. Maybe I'll tell him about Alex but I really don't think that's a good idea. Alex tells me countless times that Scott would never believe me if I said so, who would believe a fat fuck like me? And I mean, I try not to fall into a bad mindset all over again but it's like kinda hard, so hard now. Like I can't even look at food like I used to, my tattoos have been hidden under different shirts. They aren't as flattering as they used to be I guess. They don't look good on me anymore, not that I love them any less. I just don't love them on me anymore. It's hard, and sad. I guess I just feel like the shell of the person I used to be.
"Hey! I'm back and I bring pizza!" Kirstie says,
"Thanks Kit but I'm not hungry."
"You haven't been hungry the last few times we've hung out. Is everything okay? Are you sick?"
"No i'm not sick, just not in the mood for eating."
"Why not?"
"Cause I'm fat."
"No you aren't, have you even seen yourself? If I wanted a rack of rib bones then I would come to you. I don't need to be able to seen anymore of your ribs. Are you like on a diet? Cause I can make you something healthy inste-"
"NO! Don't you understand Kirstie?! I. Can't. Eat. So stop trying to shove food down my throat." She turns to look at me, shock plastered all over her face. No I'm not anorexic, I just prefer not to eat much and I don't appreciate being monitored every 24/7 about the food I consume (UNDERSTAND?!).
"Jesus what the hell is wrong with you?! Are you going through something that you want to talk about? Mitch you know I'm always here for you."
"No! I can't! Just stop trying to feed me! Can't that I'm fat and I should drop a couple pounds?!"
"Mitch........." she sits down next to me as I burst into tears. So much pain and self loathing have taken place, I'm not ready to be the person I want to be. I feel stuck, I guess. And everyone that's trying to help me just wants to keep me here. Stuck. No reason to fix anything.
"No! I just can't. I'm growing up, and I guess that means I have to hide my tattoos and work my ass off to drop a few pounds only to be fucking miserable. And you can't help me cause you don't know how. I don't want you to know how." And just like that my phone goes off, anther fucking message from the one and only Alex. I shift my gaze down to the phone and I read it. My expression immediately dulling and my eyes filling with tears. What the fuck did I ever do to deserve this?! I take my phone from my hands and chuck it at the wall, screen shattering. But that's not enough for me. I run over to it, ready to stomp on it and end it's small little battery powered life when.....
"Mitch!" Kirstie runs over to me and pulls me away from the newly cracked phone. I slide down against the wall. Loud sobs escape my body.
"Why me Kirst? What the hell did I ever do? NOTHING! I DID NOTHING!" Her hands go to her mouth as she picks up my damaged property, feeling her dented wall. Reading the awfulness plastered on the lock screen. The message.
"Mitch, he told you to-"
"I know." Kill myself. That's what his message told me. A message written in blood and sealed with hate. I never did anything to this guy. He's just in love with Scott. And this ends now.
My phone beeps once again, and both our eyes shoot to the phone. I grab it from Kirstie's hand and read what the message has to say.

Fucking Psycho☠️: Surprise! Surprise! Guess who's coming down for a little visit! I will be boarding the plane soon! Can't wait to see you💋! Or not, if you decide to take my advice. Haha! Bye 😘❤️🤫😏!

No. He's coming here. He can't!!! No, no, no!!! It's not fair! What the hell could i have possibly done in a past life?! Was I a murderer? Thief? Vandal? Maybe it would be better if I just.......
No, i cant think like that. I have Scott to think about, I can't leave him yet again.
Scott. He probably invited Alex to our house, I have to tell him. He'll believe me, he loves me. We are more important than him and Alex! He's gonna help me, I'll tell him and then Alex will go away. I get up off the floor and sprint towards the front door, about to leave for Scott when Kirstie grabs my arm.
"Just.... don't be surprised if he doesn't do what you want him to do. Just know that I'm always here for you, okay?"
"Of course Kit, but he would never do that to me, he loves me more than Alex. I know it." And with that i hug her goodbye and sprint for the apartment.
I arrive at the apartment, fling open the door and jump straight into Scott's arms. He catches me and wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to his body. God I love this man. I bury my face in the nape of his neck, and now he can sense something is wrong.
"What's the matter baby."
"Look I, I don't want you to hate me for telling you this."
"I could never hate you! What's going on?" He cups my face with his hands, my eyes now forced to meet his.
"I mean you like, trust me right?"
"Of course."
"Okay. So, A-A-Alex. He um, he got my number somehow and ever since we met up with him, he's been texting me these awful things. Calling me fat, and ugly. And he, he even told me-"
"That's ridiculous Mitch! Alex would never ever do that. Are you sure your talking about the right person?"
"Yes Im positive. Scott, you said you'd believe me."
"He told me you would say something like this, he told me you'd try to tear apart my friendships! I can't believe you would question his character like this!!" I pull away from him. He thinks I'm lying to him? We've known each other for how many years now?
"Scott you know I would never-"
"Do I Mitch?! Do I really know you? Cause I Mitch I know would never insult my best friend like that! I know who Alex is!"
"He's your damn friend Scott! How could you claim to know him so well when in reality you don't know him at all! Open your fucking eyes! He's still in love with you! And every fucking day I get text after text telling me how worthless I am. Telling me I should kill myself!"
"Alex would never do that."
"Open your fucking eyes Scott!! Can't you see what he's done to me? I've lost weight, my tattoos never show! I'm a shell of the person I used to be all over again! He's literally everywhere that I turn. And who cares? Not you! Cause I'm just a waste of space taking up precious air on our earth! He makes me think that killing myself is an option!"
"Well maybe it is Mitch! You already faked your death once. Why don't you just go ahead and make it real this time!" Snap. The sound of my heart finally breaking into two after being taped back together from the last time. I should have learned my fucking lesson. He was right, nothing matters anymore. I cover my mouth with my hand, tears filling up into my eyes. I just stand their, staring at him. Unmoving, expression unchanged as tears run down onto my hands. He thinks I should kill myself. Fine! I'm done with It all!! Why do I even fucking try?
Scott's eyes look at me, filled to the brim with shock. Regret laced in all his features, too late. The damage has been done and shipped to my heart. I thought knives were for stabbing people in the back? I guess some like a direct shot.
"Mitch I didn't mean-" stop. Don't go back Mitch, you don't feel it anymore. You don't look at him without feeling that pain. It's too late to fix it!
"You know exactly why you just fucking did! Fine Scott! I'll go! Maybe I'll find a bridge high enough for me to jump off of!"
"No Mitch stop!" He reached for my hand, grabbing onto my wrist. I shake him off quickly and effectively.
"YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE SCOTT!! Now I'll make mine. See you on the outside." And with that I grab my keys and sprint out the door. Slamming it behind me in case he tried to follow. Was I actually going through with this? I'm not sure. Unless I find a good reason not to, I will be jumping off that bridge.
This is just another one of the reasons I should have stayed hidden. I'll have to add it to the rest of the reasons to hide.