All the Reasons To Hide

Happier

I find the bridge and the only thing running through my mind is how selfish I am. I didn't have the guts to do it for real last time, so maybe I should just write my past wrongs.
I make my way towards the middle of the bridge, I pass so many people on my way to who knows where. there faces look to me, and they smile. if only they knew what I had planned for myself. would they try to stop me? would they let me walk away knowing the decision I'm about to make?
I run to the place that has no people surrounding it. This part of the bridge is nasty. Not very well kept together. So people tend to just walk right through it, not paying attention to the people around them. I just pray that...... wait. I um, I'm not even sure of what I want. I've made my way here. Am I really going to back out of this now? Is this what everyone wants? Is this even what I want? I just got my parents back, I was finally on my feet and I was happy. Key word, was. Damn Alex! Why did he have to come and fucking screw up everything?! Maybe everything in my life will continue to screw itself up til I fix what I did all those years ago. Til I kill myself, what if I go through with it? And what if I don't? What is Scott gonna think when I show up yet again, not doing the deed I tried to do all those years ago. He'll be disappointed won't he? He'll be upset that I didn't kill myself. He didn't even try to run after me. He hasn't come to stop me from doing the unthinkable. He hasn't come to stop me from ending my life. And, as I look over too the ledge of the bridge, the clear blue sky and our water is just oddly inviting.
I can't help but wonder if it will hurt, when, when I go through with this. Am i going to feel anything? Is the pain of this going to be worse than the pain of losing Scott? The pain of my heart breaking, or the pain of having to let go of the one person who ever truly loved me and all of my flaws? Yes, I know what I have to do now. I have to go through with it. By this time, I won't leave a not or anything for people to hold onto me. I won't leave them the closure to get over me. I want Scott to know that he is the reason for this. He's never going to get to know that I will always love him. It's taking everything I have in me not to send him a text. No matter how hard I try I can't not care. I'm in love with him and I always will be but I hate myself for it. I hate him for still making me love him. It's the most painful thing for me to know that he can and will carry on without me. I guess it's always hard, you can never picture the person you still love with someone else. But I guess he may be happier without me. But certainly not with that bitch Alex, that would break me yet again. Even in death. I guess it's hard to know that even after it's over, you still feel the pain of them not being by your side. I look over to the ledge, hoping to have a good reason not to do this. But no one and nothing matters to me anymore. I have no reason for being here, my record label can find a new talent to produce, Kirstie can find a new bet friend, and Scott can find a new lover. I wish the best for all of them no matter what they do to me. I place my right foot on the top of the ledge. Steadying my balance, and then the left. I place myself in an upright position, looking down over the sharp rocks and tree branches that rest below me. If this is the end, if I choose to step out over the edge my life will surely come to an end. Perfect? I allow myself to do some sort of a balancing act on my left foot, hanging my right over the ledge debating for the final time in my head. I'm about to let my second foot go when I feel a tug on my pant leg. I immediately return my right leg to the ledge. I look back expecting Scott with a sorry look on his face and tears in his eyes. Buts that's not what I see. Not at all. Standing before me is a young boy, no older than two. He's dirty. Very dirty and looks like he hasn't been fed in days.
I look around to see if a hidden camera is somewhere, this could very well be a YouTube video for What Would You Do? But I see nothing. I just stare at the little boy, my face softens as I look down at him, analyzing all his features.
"Ecuse me mister but I nee hewlp." This Poot little boy, I'll offer anything that I can to him. Where is his mom? Or his dad? Why is nobody around to parent this kid? Hasn't he been taught not to talk to strangers? It's a good thing he came to me, I would never ever hurt him. I kneel down to his level confused as to why he needs my help.
"Hey buddy, what's your name?"
"Wrogan."
"Rogan?" He nods.
"That's a wonderful name."
"Fank you."
"Why do you need help? Is everything okay? Where if your mommy bud, are you lost?"
"No i not wost. Mommy said I was gon gwrow up to be a fwag. She says she no want me, she dwived to da pawrk and put me on da swings. But I no stay, I was bad boy. I go to find her, but she no want me anymore, so poof! I hewre!" Oh my god this poor helpless child. I'm pretty sure there's nothing I can do to help him with this. God I hope it isn't true. I hope he just got lost and his mom is looking for him. I mean I could call child protective services but I couldn't live with myself if I wasn't sure he was gonna be safe. I will stay with this child until we find his mother. And if what he says is true......... I don't know.
"I really hope that isn't true. I hope you find your mommy again sweetheart. She loves you, I know it. But how about I wait for you until she comes back?"
"I no want her to."
"Why not bubba?"
"She give me boo boos and owies. She played weird all da time and she smell bad. My house was a wot of smoke and yucky fings that give boo boos." His mother's a fucking drug addict. You better fucking believe if she comes back for her kid that I will be right by him, fighting for his mother to either lose custody or be put into rehab. I'll keep Rogan til she gets sober if that's what it takes. I'll take him for the rest of my life to have to. I'm not going to let this child be abused all over again.
"Oh. Well why don't we wait for her to come by and then we can have a long talk with her. Is that okay with you?"
"I no want to go back to hwer, pwease hewlp me." I look at this child and hop off the ledge, for now anyways. And I bring him close to me chest. No toddler should ever be afraid like this. I'll help him, I promise I will.
"It's gonna be okay buddy, I'm going to help you. I won't let you get hurt again. But we have to see if she comes to find you before we talk to the police, okay?"
"Yes." So I sat down on the curb and I held out my arms, reaching for this poor helpless boy. But he doesn't come to me, he doesn't fall into my embrace. Instead he moves at about an arms length from me, he doesn't fall into my embrace. Instead he moves at about an arm distance from me, and plants himself on the ground and we don't talk. We just wait, wait for his mom who I have a feeling is never going to show up. He doesn't even want her too.
****************************************
Days go by and we see no signs of this women, and nobody has come looking for a lost child. I am utterly and completely out of every idea possible. I don't know what I am supposed to do with him if we can't find his mother.
It's been a rough few days, Rogan has been having the most horrid panic attacks I have ever seen and it just breaks my heart. That seems to be happening a lot lately. He is definitely a talker and I couldn't be happier about it. It's only been a few days but I love this child. I want him to be mine, I would take him to live with me if that's what he wanted but I'm not sure I'm even qualified to adopt a child. But in the event that we can't find his mom I will fight with everything I have to bring this little boy into my home. And when I do, the first thing I'm gonna do is give him a shower because man is this little boy dirty. Then get him a bed and everything else that he could ever want. I cannot stress this enough, I LOVE this little boy. I couldn't ask for anything better for him.
I have never taken care of a child, never in my life. I'm not quite sure how to raise him but if he wants, I will take him in. It's been days that we've been on the street together. He's still been sitting far away from me. But tonight, he waddles his way over to me in his dirty little shorts and finally clean diaper and sits himself down into my lap. I cuddled with him for the very first time and I knew right then, this kid has to be my son. Biology or not. Tonight, this little boy has curled himself in my lap, to shut his eyes and fall asleep for the first time in who knows how long. He has trusted my with his safety, to make sure he wakes up in my lap the next morning. Most nights he just sits and looks up at the sky til morning. He hasn't slept in any of the days I've been with him. I will protect him from the cold of day, and the cold of the people who pass us by. Judging, even though they don't know our stories or how we came to be together. Me on my way to kill my self, and this poor little two year old boy just looking for someone to feed him after being abandoned.
"Goodnight Love."
"Night Daddy, i wove you." His words had melted and broke my heart all at the same time. In just these past few days this little boy has become my whole world. I can't even remember the love I felt for Scott because the love I have for this child is so much greater. I want him to be with me, I will be Rogans dad. I have made up my mind. I want this child to be mine forever. All because he is the reason I didn't fall from the ledge. All because he saved me. He is my one good reason for staying alive.