All the Reasons To Hide

I Deserve It

This chapter is dedicated to my best friend @JaidenMarie8. Friends fight, it happens, it always happens. She is the inspiration for Kirstie in this chapter. I may still be mad but i love you fluffy!

Forget, please god let me forget! Let him leave my mind and let my heart heal itself. I have a concert to get ready for, I have people to please, people that aren't Scott. He moved in, invaded my personal life. I should have been more careful. I shouldn't have sang on the streets, I shouldn't have allowed myself to get caught. But I did anyway, because without music I wouldn't be happy, sometimes getting caught is better than living in fear. Even though it's harder I couldn't live in fear of my own choices anymore. Just because I didn't want to get caught, yet I did what I wanted and here I am. I just didn't want to face that fear. I have always figured that if I did get caught I wouldn't mind as much as I did. There is so much that I would have to get done before my concert in two hours, and now I'm not going to get any of this done because all I could think about is Scott. Like why he came back after I said their was no point in him ever returning, like why he still wants me after years of us being apart and after everything that has happened.
Forget it, I'm done trying to figure it out. I have to get ready to perform for people who actually care about me like i care about them. My fans are literally the whole reason why I am where I am. I guess he also is, but he's the reason that I had to leave my state, he's the reason that I had to leave my entire life behind. Never the less I still love him and I hate myself for it.
I realize that I'm sitting on my bed staring off into the empty space that is my room. I should have left to leave to the arena half an hour ago!!! Damn you Scott! Damn you! I grab everything that I may need for the concert and I am on my way. Yet another show in New York In front of a packed house. I really hope i can hold out that long. I'm not really focused on my career, more my personal life but soon everything will go back to normal. Not the normal before I fled, the normal when it was Kirstie and I. Speaking of, she and I have drifted further apart ever since she tried to give me the letter, don't get me wrong I still over her dearly but my mind hasn't been on her lately. I chose to push her traitorism until I could really dwell on it. Because of this I'm not really sure how to act around her or what to tell her for fear that she will try to shove herself in my business, my last is definitely isn't something to tamper with. Anything else? Please butt in, but my last is secret. I arrive at the arena and immediately I am rushed into hair and makeup. Management yelling at me because I am late, I deserve it. I get my makeup and hair done as Kirstie stumbles into the room.
"You're here!" She gives me a hug, I guess she was worried cause I'm almost never late to anything. I don't hug her back though, I'm not really sure how to act around her anymore. The person I once looked at as my best friend is different in my eyes. She pulled away once she had realized I stiffened.
"Mitch what's been going on?"
"What do you mean." Stop, I don't want to talk about it.
"Your pulling away from me and I don't understand why."
"I just don't know that I can trust you anymore." She rolls her eyes and I can tell she thinks I'm being ridiculous.
"You're still on that? Mitch get over it, stop being mad at me for trying to help you."
"You know what fine let's settle this now."
"Fine, i made one stupid little mistake what the hell Is wrong with that?"
"Everything! You completely destroyed my trust, like I don't want to talk to you at all."
"Yeah I got that but you have to remember everything you and I have been through, you wouldn't just throw that away over a letter!"
"I told you not to mess with my past!"
"I had to! You're only mad because I'm trying to help you, because your emotionally closed off about this and I just want to help you!! You can't be mad at me for wanting to help my best friend! I had to read the letter to protect you, I had to meet up with Scott to protect you!"
"No. You did this because your selfish."
"How am I being selfish? Mitch I pretty much threw away out friendship just to make sure what Scott wanted was good for you!"
"That is such a lie! I haven't talked about my past life much and you were just dying to know what really went down. You did this all to-"
"Understand you more."
"No! You can't understand me because you have no fucking clue what I have been through! Don't try to understand it and make it like your situation. I have already accepted that all I can be is their for you! But decide to make my problems your own. Not even taking into account how I would feel about your snoopiness. You keep making what's going on more of a big deal than it actually is, I don't want fans to know what's going on in my life and then you decide to blow it up and it scares me. It scares me because my past isn't something that comes up in normal conversation. Do you understand? No of course you don't because it's always about you!!"
"It's not always about me Mitch! Whenever I ask you what's been wrong lately you push me away. Do YOU understand how that makes me feel?"
"You know you told me you understand why I am the way I am, but I guess you decided that the minute I shut down on you you go and get what you need somewhere else. I'm just so fed up with you that i can't even think straight. I don't even want to be mad at you anymore, but I just can't forgive you because I'm just not ready yet." I look down at the floor, trying my hardest not to smudge or let tears fall down the makeup that is on my face. I can't forget I have to be onstage in less than an hour.
"Do you think you're not ready because you never confronted the situation?" I meet her eyes again and she doesn't look mad at me, she looks like she wants to help, but right now I don't want help.
"I'm not really sure how I feel right now."
"What do you mean?"
"Ever since Scott came back into the picture I've basically just run away from my feelings because I can't stand to have any right now."
"So you decided to close yourself off to me."
"Yes, theirs just so much that I won't even except myself and if I can't even help myself then why on earth would I let you help?"
"Because that's what best friends do, you drag me into your shit and I drag you into mine. No matter how much you push me away I won't leave, I came from a bad past and you came from a bad past. We fit together like puzzle pieces and i i won't just let you go and find another match, your crazy if you even think that." This is exactly what I needed, all I wanted was for someone to tell me that they weren't ever going to leave me again and this was how I knew she was my best friend. How could I stay mad at someone whose been through everything with me. I reach for her and pull her into a hug, it feels amazing since we've barley talked these lat few months.
"It's gonna be okay again Kirst, were gonna be okay."
"I know we are Mitchie. Okay stop with the emotional talk you gotta get on stage."
"Right." I walk up into the stage and hear the crowds roar fill me ears, wow do I love this feeling.
As I continue throughout the concert I start to feel nervous, like something isn't quite right. Then it happens. Just as I was about to sing my last song for the night, the crowd began to freak out. I had no idea what was happening all I knew was people were screaming. Until I saw him. Scott climbed to the top of the stage and was face to face with me once again. In front of toms of people. Tons of people who don't know their was ever a Scott.
To stunned to move I drop my mic, I cannot believe my eyes. What's he doing? He stares at me and I stare at him.
"You told me once that I had to prove how much I loved you, well here I am." He drops his mic and begins to speak to me, just me in front of millions of people.
"Mitch I love you so much that it hurts. You are amazing and you didn't need to fake your death to become what you are."
"I didn't do it for this, I started singing to make money, I left because of you."
"I made a mistake, yes. But I loved you so much and you just hung me to dry without even an explanation as to why you left." Yes I did, I gave you a letter. You stupid, adorable prick I gave you a letter. He walks up to me and reaches out to hold my hand, he's broke me, he won. It's all over, I have one last trisco up my sleeve. But I just don't want to do that to him.
"Mitch you didn't deserve to die."
"Yes I did Scott."
"No Mitch I-"
"Deserved to die for real." He looks up at me in shock. Like I broke his heart just by talk mg ask little of myself.
"I deserved to die." And with a heavy heart I looked up at him, determined to break him one last time.
"If you think for once second that I still love you then you aren't from my world." I couldn't take it anymore. Yes I'm in love with him, but I'm too much of a fuck yo to ruin him like that. That's it I'm done! Tears pooling in my eyes as I turned to leave the arena but he grabbed my hand and said,
"I may not be from your world, but one day that door is gonna open and I will move back in."
Only one thought crossed my mind as he said this.
Shit.🙂