All the Reasons To Hide

His Reason

I pull up to my old apartment with nothing but some essentials I bought at the store. I had to leave, I couldn't stay there any longer. I needed to stop thinking about it. Rogan's still extremely upset and I haven't had the chance to calm him down just yet. I haven't been able to think straight. I mean I loved him, I loved him so much. I have that man everything I had and I never asked for anything in return. All I hoped for was faithfulness! He didn't even give me that!
That's when I realized, I have more important things to think about, none of which are Scott. I have a little boy in the backseat who has no idea what's going on and he's scared. I have to stop thinking about myself. He has to be my number one priority, he IS my number one priority.
So I get out of the car, and opened the door to the backseat. I crawl in next to my crying little boy. I get him out of his car seat and pull him into my lap. Poor little thing is shaking. I hold him close to my chest and quietly stroke his hair while whispering in his ear, telling him that everything's going to be okay now.
He calms down in my arms and refuses to let me put him down. I carry him all the way up to Kirstie's apartment. I knocked on her door and wait for her to answer. Come on please tell me that she home. She has to be!
Not a moment later the door swings open, revealing my best friend the way she's always been. Hair in a messy bun, sweatpants, and a t-shirt. I smile at her and her face lights up as soon as she sees me.
Suddenly her gaze shifts and her eyes bug out of her head. She's looking at Rogan, I forgot! I never told her about him! Well I guess I didn't really have the time. I look over at Rogan and I smile, looking back at the girl who has been with me through everything.
"Kirst. This is my new son Rogan. Look Kit, some shi-stuff went down and Rogan and I really need a place to stay. Do you mind if we-" And just like that, Rogan is taken from my arms and I am shoved into her apartment. She has my little boy in her arms and they're dancing around my old living room. Guess we interrupted her dance party. I remember we used to do this all the time. And now looking at Rogan, I see his face is filled with so much joy, he's even laughing! I love little baby laughs, they are a symbol of true happiness. Simple, but happiness. Her gaze turns to me, look of concern on her face. She has no idea why we are here. She just stole my child and ran like the wind. I have so much that I still need to explain to her. I take Rogan from her arms and hold him closer to my chest.
"Is it okay if  Rogan and I stay here for a while?" I'm not sure I can get through this without breaking down.
"Of course you can! But what happened?" That's when I broke, just completely fell on the ground sobbing, holding onto the only thing permanent in my life. Kirstie runs over to us and wraps her arms around me. I really needed it. I need to talk to someone.
"Oh Mitchie, what did he do?" As soon as I calm down enough I explain the whole situation. How I ended up with Rogan, how I found Scott. The whole mess.
She covers her mouth as tears start to flow through her eyes. I get it, it's a lot to take in at one time. The weight of it all is still crushing me.
"Oh my god.  He told you to- you were gonna- if you didn't-. Mitch no! Never! I don't know what I would do if I lost you. And you!" She points towards Rogan, pulling his face find out of the crook of my neck. He looks towards Kirstie wondering as to what she has to say. She grabs him from my arms and pulls him into a hug. Tears falling into his hair.
"Thank you so much for saving my best friend. I'm gonna make sure both of you are safe now. Okay buddy?"
"Ywes." He's so cute. I can never get enough of this kid, and I never have to. I can't help but smile every time I look at him. He makes me so happy.
The thought then dawns on me. I'm almost nineteen and I already have a kid. Wow, most people can't say that. I have to remember to call my parents and tell them about him. They're gonna want to know they're grandson.
So much to look forward to in so little time. My thoughts have almost wandered away from Scott. Almost. He's almost permanently etched into my brain. But no, I don't need him anymore. No more feelings. I should have learned from the last time. How could I have been so stupid?
I'm staring off into space for who knows how long when I realize something. I came here with nothing. I have to go back over, you know. Just to collect my stuff, not see him one more time. Cause I can't love him. I can't even look at him the same way.
"Um Kirst, I need to grab some stuff from the apartment. Will you keep an eye on Rogan? Please?"
"Mitch do you really think that's a good idea? I mean, Alex is still their. Who knows what could happen?"
"Scott may be different in my eyes but I know he's not different in my heart. Plus all I want is my stuff, no conversation, no interaction, I'm done with him. I have to be."
"Be careful okay?" I nod my head and go to walk out the door, when Rogan waddles his way over to me, wrapping his arms around my legs.
"Daddy where you go?"
"Daddies going to go back to where we just were to get some stuff."
"NO!! No daddy, no go back!"
"It'll be okay baby, I'll be fine. Now you stay with Aunt Kirstie while I go. I'll only be gone a few minutes."
"NO! No daddy! No go!! NO GO!" He's hysterical. He's crying and screaming and I know I won't be able to calm him down any time Soon. I almost stop and drop everything but I have to do this. I have to ge the closer I need. I motion to Kirst to grab him and she comes to get him from behind picking up my thrashing child and bringing him back to the couch and holding him down so he can't run again. I'm hoping he'll calm down before to get back.
I slip out the doors and get in my car, driving to what used to be a place of complete and utter happiness.
I arrive at the apartment and use the key to walk in. The lights are completely off and the house reeks of weed and beer. Shit, he must be really messed up. I don't turn on any lights but I make my way through the living room, picking up the things that are mine. I step on a few beer cans with a loud crunch and all of a sudden I'm pushed up against the wall. Huge hands are grabbing onto my neck, squeezing tighter so I almost can't breathe.
I close my eyes, not wanting to see the man before me. I silently pray that it's Alex, I pray that the breath in smelling is Alex's. But I know these hands way to well. Scott is holding me by the neck, trying to strangle me. I look up and open my eyes, seeing his hateful stare as he looks me up and down. He spits on my face, directly into my eyes, blinding me for the littlest amount of time.
"What are you doing back in my apartment you disgusting little slut."
"That's not the word I would be using to describe myself. If anyone disgusting it's you." I elbow him in the rib and try to make a break for it when he leaps after me, tackling me onto the floor. My head smacking into to something unknown. I look at him in the eyes, the cold harsh eyes I have only seen once before.
"Now..... is little Mitchie sad that I found someone new? Someone who actually makes me happy? Someone who makes me feel good?" He grinds himself onto me and I can't help but feel more disgusted with not I let him, but myself.
"Haha you see? Nothing. You don't make me feel anymore. Now I think it's time we give you what you truly deserve. An ass kicking." And so it began, the hitting, smacking, punching, kicking. Til my lungs screamed for air and my legs were numb as all hell. Tears were blurring my vision and slowly making there way into a constant stream down my cheeks. I was wrong, he's not the same Scott in that I knew in my heart. That Scott's long gone.
"No, no please! Scott stop! Don't you realize what you're doing to me?" That follows another hard punch, followed by so much more. Each every bit as painful as the last. There is no numbing this pain, it won't numb, I can't be numb anymore. I need to feel! The sad thing is I have to feel this. And finally after being kicked, punched, and spat on multiple times. I can feel my consciousness start to slip from my grasp.
"This is what you deserve faggot." That was the hardest blow I had ever taken from the man I loved. That word.
"You're drunk."
"Wow! You finally figured it out! What was your first clue?"
"You let the same damn thing happen all over again! Why did I ever think you were different?"
"I don't know Mitch. All I know is that Alex is waiting for me upstairs." He turns to leave me, bloody and bruised on the cold hard floor. He's actually doing this to me. He almost to the door when I call his name again.
"Scott!"
"What?"
"P-p-p-please sober Scott, help me. Help me get back up and pick up the pieces for what you did to me. Again." He looks me up and down. I feel like he's trying to fight himself and wants to come and help me. This is Scott, my Scott. He loves me and would never do this to me without a reason.
"Help yourself you piece of shit, I have better things to do." And with that he left, just like he always planned to. But I can't help but wonder,
What was his reason?