Church Buddies!!!1

Passage 9

It was Sunday. God's day.. it wasn't supposed to be going like this. It was as if God himself was deciding to piss on the church, causing the mass virus to be born. Despite the virus originating from Copeland, there seemed to be many more ill people here than there was back in Copeland.

Joe and Smith continued throwing many toilet paper rolls at the diseased yellow victims and Combaticus and George reinforced the barriers. Eventually, Joe lowered himself down from the sniper tower and pulled out his flip phone. He had multiple texts from Johnny.

'Hello?'

'Josephhhh when are you coming?'

'The kid mafia are here and they're flicking the yellow people with elastic bands'

'I'm getting sicker so they locked me in the toilets so they don't get infected too'

'It smells like tampons in here help me'

'Wait this is the boy's toilet'

Joseph facepalmed and grabbed some more blue roll and tissues. "Aight lads.. I'm building a bridge." He declared, climbing back onto his sniper tower and staring over heroically at McDonald's. It wasn't far away, in fact, it was one of the closest places that weren't infected with Copeland dwellers or atheists.

He began placing down toilet paper over the streets below and walking as he did so. Each step he took would cause him to lay down multiple types of the toilet paper that he had left. "Joe! You're risking your life!" George Bush shouted after him. "I may be, but Johnny is practically dying right now and I kinda promised I'd come after him." He shrugged, placing down more toilet paper. "You want some company? It looks a lot safer there than here.. wow! Look at those little kids with elastic bands! Usually you have to pay to see stuff like that!" Smith pulled out some binoculars and enjoyed the show.

"Then that settles it, we're off. We're going to that good Christian McDonald's. It has to be safer there. The kid mafia know what they're doing." Joseph declared, continuing to build his bridge.

Eventually, the gang had built a steady bridge over to the McDonald's. "I didn't anticipate that we'd end up on the roof." Joseph sighed to himself, jumping off of the bridge and onto the thin roof. He was then followed by Smith, George Bush and Combaticus. "Boy, oh boy. Look at all those elastic bands!" Smith whipped out his binoculars and began watching the action below.

"Aight.. there's a staircase right there! That'll lead us into the McDonald's." Joe ran towards the staircase and ran down it quickly. "What's good?" He smiled, appearing heroically at the bottom of the stairs. "Joseph?" Daneil asked, preparing more elastic bands. "Im here to save your asses, thank me later."

"Actually, I have it under control. Using upgraded elastic band technology, we shall thrive against the Copelands!" Polly loaded up a paper gun with bands and aimed it out of the drive thru window. "Wait! Wait.. didn't this McDonald's have like a super secret ingredient that they put in everything? Maybe it was like super poisonous and that's why they never told anyone what it was! We could kill the spirits of the atheists with it!"

"Meh.. I guess that is a decent idea, Joseph.. but how would we find the ingredient?" Neil asked.

"Joseph!! Joseph?" Johnny yelled from the toilets as the others continued their conversation. He could only see them through a small window at the top of the toilet door. Not as if this was even an easy task, as the window had phrases such as 'pissy tits' and 'you're nan gay' carved out into it using keys and knives.

"Joseph!" He continued to shout, banging on the door with his fists. Eventually, he realised that the doors were.. soundproofed. As disturbing as that fact was to him, he continued trying to get the attention of the others. Yet, to no avail.

When he gave up, he slumped up against the door in defeat. "Joseph said he'd help me.." Johnny whispered to himself, standing up to look into the mirror. "What even is all this? Just.. yellow, itchy spots.. great." He leant his forehead up against the mirror. However, the mirror shattered into a billion pieces because of his violent afro, and revealed a dark past.

Behind the mirror was a secret room. Not just any secret room, what seemed to be a secret gang hangout. There was pictures all over the walls and a man in a KKK uniform. However, he was dead.

Johnny scrunched himself up and crawled through the small entrance, quickly falling into the secret room. There was the dead man with his hand placed on his crotch. He looked as if he has been scorched to death just sitting there, staring into the mirror. It was at this point that Johnny noticed the mirror was double sided.

He didn't wish to know what the man died doing. Instead, he walked over to the very back of the room. There, there was a chest. Johnny was intrigued, so much so that he readied his afro before smashing through the lock.

"Hot damn!" He yelled, opening the chest to reveal millions of bottles of water in spray bottles. "Water.. just water?" He sighed, picking up a bottle. On the bottle, it read 'super secret secret ingredient'.

Johnny inspected it thoroughly. "Wait.. wait just a minute.." Johnny readied himself and sprayed the water into the air, sniffing immediately after. Suddenly, he was hit with a pleasant smell.

Christianity.

The bathroom door burst open suddenly and the whole group turned to face it. Johnny was stood heroically in the doorway, holding the chest of holy water. His yellow spots were gone and he looked a lot healthier. "Everyone grab a spray bottle, together, we'll defeat these atheist scumbags using the power of Christ!"

Eventually, each Kid Mafia member was equipped with a spray bottle, as was Joseph, Johnny, Combaticus and George Bush. Suddenly, a loud, familiar helicopter screeching echoed from outside. "Dad?" Joseph looked up, running up the staircase. Outside was Daniel, hanging off of his helicopter on a rope. "Ahh, my beautiful daughter! I knew you'd survive the apocalypse!" Daniel shouted proudly.

"Dad, I'm a-"

"So, I see you've all acquired holy water! Come on now, let's all kick some Copeland ass!" Daniel lowered the rope further and helped the gang onto the helicopter. The chest seemed never ending as the squad hovered above the streets, watching the mindless creatures wander about. "Look at all those filthy atheist aliens.." Smith's binoculars glimmered in the sunshine.

"Alright.. ready your squirt guns and aim for the streets. When the holy water is exposed to the air the atheists will be instantly demolished. This may take a while." Daniel pointed to his helicopter pilot, signalling for him to lower the helicopter. As the helicopter lowered, each member shook their bottles and readied their fingers on the triggers.

"Three.. two.. one!" Daniel shouted, pressing the trigger. The rest of the group followed suit, letting the holy vibes flow into the air. As the helicopter hovered above the ground, the people down below inhaled the Christian air.

"Woah! Look!" Johnny pointed down as the yellow victims were healed. Some were mid fight with each other and others were trying to bite their way through the toilet paper barrier. When they were cured, they looked incredibly shocked. Some even started choking on the toilet roll.

Next, the gang landed the helicopter down onto the street and Daniel stepped out first. He held up his hand, forming a sort of gang sign. "We come in peace!" He yelled, watching if anyone was still infected. When no one tried to lunge in and bite him, he cleared his throat.

"Yes, yes. I did just save you all, no need to thank me, really. Now, I want something as payment for just saving all your lives so.. that'll be.." Daniel whipped out a calculator and did some quick maths. "Pfffft.. about.. $20,000 dollars each, that alright?"

The crowd just stared forward at him and never said a word. Suddenly, they all pulled out pitchforks and flaming torches.

"Aw.. pissy tits."