My Anxiety Is Silent (STARCO)

Chapter 8 - First Cut

This is probably the saddest thing ever. Sorry guys...if you cry...its okay because I cried while writing it. Just saying...you'll be mad at Marco...probably.

Also, triggering events!! Don't read the end if you're easily triggered by cutting.

Stars P.O.V
I never thought that I would end up in such a dark place like I am. It may be all my fault but I didn't want someone else's life ruined just because mine is. My anxiety has cut so many people out of my life. My mom, stepmom, the whole school, who's next? One day the whole world will hate me because of my anxiety.

This week of school has gone as normal. Well, that is until Thursday October 13th, 2015. School was normal but something was wrong with Marco and I wanted to find out what. So I asked. Stupid of me to ask, right? We walked to his house in silence, neither of us spoke. Even when we got to his house we didn't speak for two hours until I asked him what was wrong.

"Hey Marco. You seem off today. Are you okay?" I had asked. Stepping into his room, I saw him sitting on his bed staring at his phone screen. I could barely hear someone talking. What was going on?

"I just need...to be alone Star." His voice was quieter than a whisper. It seemed like he was emotionless which scared me.

"Marco, I want to help you. You've done a lot for me. Tell me what's wrong." I said walking towards him slowly. He lifted his head to look at me. His eyes were bloodshot, probably from crying.

"Just get out. I don't need any help, so please leave." Marco seemed almost annoyed by my presence, and my heart broke a bit. Please don't rip us apart!

"Okay, just know that I'm here for you." I silently spoke as Marco got up and walked towards me.

"Wait...c-can I have a h-hug?" His voice was torn, on the edge of breaking into tears.

"Of course. Come here." I opened my arms but he never wrapped his arms around me. He just stood there...staring at me, like I was an awful person. What did I do wrong?

"I can't believe that you're acting like everything's fine." I felt confused and scared at the same time. Seriously, what had I done?

"W-what are you talking about?" Words could barely escape my mouth from how hurt and confused I was. I wanted to scream and cry, please do not take Marco away from me.

"You've lied to me and you thought that I would never find out?!" He yelled suddenly which made me jump. My breathing started picking up.

"Marco, what are you talking about!?" I was getting frustrated and I just wanted him to tell me what was going on and why he was mad at me.

"You've pretended to have anxiety just to gain attention!!" By now he was right in front of me and my back was pressed against the wall. My eyes widened at his words and my heart sunk.

"WHAT!? Why would you ever say that!?" I screamed at him. My hands were shaking terribly.

"Oh I don't know, perhaps this video someone took!" Marco held up his phone which showed me standing with tears running down my face.

"You're right. I am a freak and I'm only doing this for attention." My voice spoke from his phone. That was from my fight with Tom, he doesn't seriously believe that...right?

"Listen Marco, I only said that to try and get Tom away from me." I said, hoping he would let it go and understand.

"How am I supposed to believe that?" He looked at me with a look I've never seen him give me before, hatred.

"Are you serious!? You're going to believe the person that called you a freak over me?" I asked. My face was probably red from being mad and soaked with tears.

"You said it in that video clear as day." My heart felt like it was shattering. I knew our friendship wouldn't last long, I always loose people. I just didn't think it would end this soon.

"And I told you that I said that to hopefully get Tom away from me!" I had enough and pushed him back. Only, I pushed him harder than intended and so he fell to the ground. A gasp escaped both of us.

"Star, what the heck!?" He quickly got up and grabbed my wrist before pulling me across his room to the door.

"I-I didn't mean to Marco. I'm s-sorry, seriously I am." I grabbed his shoulders to get him to look at me but he pulled back and grabbed my wrist again, ouch.

"I NEVER want to speak to you EVER AGAIN!" Before I could respond he pushed me out into the hallway and slammed the door in my face. Tears escaped me fast.

"Marco, I'm sorry, I really am. Please do- please don't leave me." I choked on tears as I spoke. My head was against the door with my hands slamming against his door.

"PLEASE...open the door." Again, I slammed my hands against the door. When I realized that he wasn't going to open the door I walked into the guest room, which was technically mine now, and sobbed. This is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life.

Now you really don't have anyone. Congratulations on pushing everyone away!! You shouldn't even be trying anymore.

TRIGGER WARNING

One negative thought turned to a thousand in a second. They didn't bother me but something clicked in my head. I gathered all my strength and walked to my bathroom. There was a pack of razor blades on the counter. My shaky hand grabbed it and pulled out one. The blade somehow fit perfectly in my hand. I slowly pushed it against my arm and drew a line. It stung but felt like every pain ceased to exist.

I made a cut for my mom, Lilly, Tom, Brittney, and finally...Marco. There were now six cuts spread on my arm. Blood seeped from them as tears ran down my face. I threw the blade into the trash and walk back into my room. My mind seemed blank which was good, I didn't want to think. My phone started exploding with notifications.

TRIGGER WARNING OVER

Seriously? So pathetic of you, attention freak!!

What a selfish little b-

I turn my phone off, not wanting to see anymore. People were tagging me in posts with my video. I rolled my eyes and sat down on my bed. The thought of waking up tomorrow with a bunch of notifications exhausted me, more exhausted than I already am. My heart was broken and my life was in complete darkness. There was no light for me to go to, nothing but swimming in the dark.