A Walk Down Autumn's Path

I Do

Now the title may imply that this chapter is going to be about marriage, or the vows I plan to make. It's not, so don't let it trick you. 

This is about love. More specifically, it's an answer to a question about love. "Does he still love me?" You may find yourself asking this at times. "Does he still love me? Is he just using me? What does he want?" These are questions I'm sure you want an answer to, so this is it. 

I do still love you. Answer number one, but I don't want to leave it so simple. I do still love you, and I don't think I could find myself ever not loving you, even in our worst moments. You'll always have all my heart, and it's something you'd take with you if you left me. My heart, in all of its pieces. It's because my heart throbs for you, and I don't think it could thrive without you. Its beat is something I only ever want you to hear, aside from my doctor, obviously. 

I do still love you. Recently, it may feel as though I don't. It may feel as if I want your body and your pleasures, and not a thing beside that. You may think I'm using you for my own personal gain and not giving anything back. That's not how it is, and I don't ever want you to think that's what it is. Yes, I do make the mistake of focusing on things I'm doing in the moment and not talking to you like I should—emphasis on video games and TV, because that's my biggest shortcoming in this aspect—but it doesn't mean I don't love you. It means I'm a fuckin' idiot, and I'm not doing things the way I should be. I'm going to take away those feelings of loneliness that you get from not feeling like a priority when I put other things in front of you. When I'm reading, or writing, or playing games, or anything like that all the time and rarely giving you the time of day, I'm sorry. I promise you, I will be better for you.

I do want you for you, and not just your body. I know, it doesn't seem like that because I haven't been prioritizing right. I come over, we get physical, we enjoy ourselves, and we don't spend enough time just enjoying each other's company and loving each other right. That's also my fault, because of the moods I get into when we're together. That's another thing I know I can change rather quickly and very easily. I know it, because I really do feel that love for you that's been so absent in your heart because of me. I'll put it back, and I'll make it better than ever. 

I'm not just going to put it back, I'm going to strengthen it. What I mean by that is when I said to you "I'll get things back to the way they were," I was lying. I'll get things better than what they were at the start. I'll bring you closer to me, and I'll grow that feeling of love that you deserve. That you need. I'll make things right, and then I'll make 'em better. I promises.

I do love you, my Star. You know I do, even if you don't feel it. You'll feel it, in your mind and your heart and your soul and everything else. I'll go back to loving you right, and then I'll love you better. I hope you trust me on this, because I promise promise promise a thousand times that I will do this, because I want to this—not because I think I have to.

"I do love you. I'll be loving you until the say I say 'I do,' and then for years past. You'll understand, because your heart will be full very soon."