My Life Right Now.

Since March

I'm writing tonight, very late, because I've realized that a million things have happened this year.

My sister is married now and she lives in an apartment.... and I miss her a lot....
She's married to a great guy and now has a sister-in-law.

I started crushing on this awesome guy who could honestly, probably, never like me back... so the usual, although he really is a great guy and I actually have gotten to know him (we texted back and forth all summer while he was away at another church camp) and he's been very caring and loving to me through tough and good times.

I turned 16 and had a 50s party with friends.

I went to Six Flags for the first time this year and it was fun although I almost threw up.....

I went to my church camp and didn't expect anything to happen with it except for fun, but ended up with being better friends with people and getting closer to God than I've ever been before....

I was a leader at a small in-town missions trip for middle-schoolers and it was fun all except for the fact that a year before in the exact same week my family had lost our dog that we had grown up with.....

Saw my crush again after the whole summer and had easy conversations with him...

And here's where it becomes a really, really, hard year.....

I found out that my best guy friend wasn't just ignoring me out of spite, but because he had chosen to be gay. Even though I don't judge and have told him I wouldn't give up on our friendship he's still ignoring me over text, and worse... in person.

I lost a friend from middle school to suicide.
I blamed myself for a while that I didn't say hello enough, that I didn't do this, that, and etc;.
He was the only guy who's ever told me I was worth having a guy love me.
I miss him and his smile and I think about him and his family very much in these holiday seasons now...

I got my wisdom teeth out (on Nov. 10th) and they hurt my jaw very, very badly, and I had excruciating pain in my jaw for about two weeks and the pain subsided a little bit last week.

On November the 15th my family sold our house and was fully moved into 200 Sq Ft with our two dogs, and my goldfish that my friend and my sister had won back in March.

Thanksgiving didn't feel like thanksgiving even though my sister made some things similar to what we've done in the past, and it was still good.... but I miss living in a house that my mom hosts it in....

And this week I've had headaches (the kind that make you want to bang your head on a wall until you can't feel the headache) each day for some reason.

But here are some of the bright sides of all of these things:

I'm not giving up on my friend. It takes a lot to put yourself through pain for someone else to know you care so much that you won't give up on them.

Yes, I lost a friend, but I gained so many this year that when I grieved for a long time, I had friends empathize and have compassion for me (my crush was someone who stood by me in this time), I had friends holding me and letting me ugly cry on their shoulders, I had friends that were closer to him telling me that they're there for me if I need them, and that his memory will live on if I let it.... and I because of it I realized how loved I am and that suicide is much like a tumor. Sometimes you can stop it, and sometimes you can't and it grows and grows until it takes over.

I know fully well that my friend Andrew is in heaven because he loved so unconditionally and cared for so so many people. He just had a tumor.

The pain in my jaw has subsided and I can eat normal foods again (hallelujah and amen).

Moving for my family, even when it's hard and doesn't seem like I can live because it honestly feels like the H word, is one step closer to a dream that we've had for years--almost 5.

And Thanksgiving isn't about how the atmosphere looks like, or smells like, and it's not about food, it's about being thankful no matter your circumstances.

And then I don't know about the headaches thing because it's really hard to see the good in that.......

But I can tell you that I no longer care for Dr. peppers (or most sodas for that fact) because my taste buds have changed. And I really like broccoli now so I'm taking steps closer to being healthier and believing in myself and that God will do things that seem impossible (like breaking a 4/5 year addiction to Dr. Peppers in two weeks).

So here's what all has happened, oh and yes I haven't started driving yet, my sister is now 18, and I don't have a job like I wanted.....
but nothing is perfect.