The Good and the Bad

What isn't Wrong?

I have one word to describe New Year's Eve and everything that follows after:

Horrible.

We left after Connecticut shortly after leaving the engagement party, eager to just go home. When we got there, Aspen sent out a mass text to basically the whole school saying that she was hosting a New Year's Eve party and anyone can crash at her house since her parents would be out of town for the weekend. We all replied agreeing to go.

I sneaked over to Aspen's at around eight thirty to get ready. She picked out my outfit for me as usual. I was wearing a short skirt that was clad against my thighs. I wore a tight navy long sleeved shirt that was tucked in. The look was completed with a pair of jet black pumps. 

The party started off great. I danced most of the time until I was tipsy. I walked away from Damien for ten minutes. That's it. Ten minutes. I went to say hi to some people and obviously get another drink. It was a minute before the ball was about to drop and everyone started counting down from sixty. I was rushing to find Damien. He was no where in sight. I finally decided to look upstairs and when I found him, I wished I hadn't. 

I know I'm paranoid when it comes to relationships but I was not this time, because when I found him, he was in bed. With Daphne. and no, it was not a mistake. Once the ball dropped at 12 I collapsed to the floor in actual tears and wished I was dying or maybe just dreaming. 

ONly neither were happening. It was happening. It happened.

And the worst part is that he didn't regret it.

The conversation that followed after New Year's Eve hurt more than the actual action that occurred.

He explained that he was simply just using me. That he didn't love me. That he couldn't. That I was a waste of time. That I wasn't what he wanted.

So now, three months later, I'm still not all together. 

Still hurting

Damien

I wish I had a reasonable explanation on why I broke the only girl who has ever loved me's heart, but I don't. 

What happened with Daphne was intentional. I regret it, but I got the realization, I will never be the guy she wants.

Its just like what I said to Johnathan after Bronx went home crying at lunch. I know...I just can't be the guy she wants. I am what she wants, but not all that she wants. Not her night in shinning armour. Not the guy who buys her flowers. Not the guy who does a super cute promposal that won't even matter two years from now. I'm the guy who takes her to an abandon zoo because she need to stop being an uptight bitch. I'm the guy who sat by the pool with her for hours talking because she needed to. I'm the guy who had to be the one to tell her about this shitty arranged marriage. I'm also the guy who had a fight with her in the studio over a connection. I'm the guy who got drunk and needed her to come and get me. I'm the guy who cheated on her. I'm the guy who almost got her killed on Halloween. I'm the guy she had her heart broken for a second time. I'm the guy who sent her away in damn tears. Not the guys she wants or deserves. I'm just a fill in. Temporary. Like everything else in this fucked up world.

Bronx deserves the world. I just can't give it to her.

I want to make things better. Make things for her and I better. I just can't.

Bronx

I'm not falling for him again. I'm not going to beg for him back. I'm not going to cry over him. He made his choice and now I'm making mine.

I quickly text Aspen telling her we are going to Andrew Matters house for the party he's having. I'm going too find some guy who is equally charming as Famine. Equally hot and more respective of me.