The Good and the Bad

The News or the Call?

There's some thing in life I'd never thought would happen. Like win the lottery. Win a cruise to the Bahamas. Be the first woman on Mars. Impossible things. It was just a given.

You know if you're born into that type of life the minute you can walk. You'll know what you'll be who you'll be and where you're headed. It's just a given. But there are things that I thought were never going to happened that did.

Because its a given.

got the call twenty minutes before leaving the house.

I was told the news two weeks ago.

The call to tell me he was gone.

The news to tell me me she was sick

To tell me he was dead.

To tell me she was sick.

That Nick was dead.

That my mom was dying

I didn't been down. I didn't cry my eyes out for all eternity. I didn't close myself off. I didn't freak out. I mean that's what I should do right? Mourn his loss? Be sad? Cry? Torture myself of his leaving? Be worried for Caprice? So why am I just numb?

I cried so much. I wanted to take her place. I wanted to cure her. I wanted to go give all of my money to pay for her chemotherapy. I wanted to die. I wanted too shut myself out and be there for her at the same time. I mean that's what i should do right? Cry? Be sorry for her? Feel bad for her? Want her to get better? Be the daughter to help her? So why is it her I stead of me?

Nick died yesterday in a car crash. He wasn't drunk or high. He didn't commit suicide. Hell, he wasn't even the one driving. His best friend was and the car spun out of control and killed them instantly. I still haven't told Reece. I don't know ho to say lightly "hey sweetie your only father died in a car crash. Wanna go get some froyo?" Like no. She's my daughter she deserves better.

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Apparently it happened over the summer. She didn't want to tell be though. She didn't know how to tell me. Actually she had Camila tell me. OVER THE PHONE. Like who in gods name yes their daughter they have cancer over the god damned phone!? And then has their other daughter do it instead!?

but anyways.

My life has gone to hell.

I'm currently driving with Alex and Reece to Connecticut for Nick's funeral. My mom is letting us stay with her for the weekend. I bounce my leg up and down continuously full of nerves. I'm not sure by I'm nervous.

Alex places a hand on my knee and my leg instinctively stops moving. "Stop doing that you're giving me anxiety." He tells me.

I sigh and lean my head back. "I'm sorry. I just...I don't know what I'm expecting. All my high school friends will be there. I have seen them since God knows when."

"Is that really what you're worried about?" He asks in disbelief.

I sigh again and shake my head."no."

"Then tell me what's wrong." He pleads.

"I'm scares. As much as I'm not reacting like most people would, I feel like its going to hurt moire when I see him in his letterman jacket in his casket. It sounds so weird. Casket. It doesn't fit him. Not even in the slightest." I tell myself shaking my head back and forth.

"Its going to be hard whether you like it or not. Its going to hurt more once you see him whether you like it or not. Things are going to be harder than you wish but it happened, Bronx. There's nothing you could have done." he insists.

i feel like crying. Mainly because he's right. But mainly because I wish I could have. I wish I could've saved Nick's life and make him live another day. For me. For Caprice. For everyone.  I wish there was more to do.

I nod forcing myself to agree with him. "maybe you're right?"

He smiles at me and squeezes my knee. "i know I am."

I force a smile and look out the window, hoping not to cry.

***

We pull into the driveway of my childhood home and I sigh unbuckling myself. I can hear Alex snoring beside me since we switched places so he could sleep. i look back at Reece who isn't sleeping but staring out the window in complete silence. i had to tell her he died and now she hasn't said a word.

i wonder what's running through that non stop mind of hers. how is she handling this? Is she sad? is she confused? Is she mad? She won't say a word. She's ignoring me. I just want things to be fixed. But you can't fix what's gone. and Nick? He's gone.

I unbuckle and go to the back seat to get her out of the car. she slowly gets out and clings to the side of my legs. i look down before rubbing her head.

"i'm sorry." i tell her.

she looks up at me with gleaming blue green eyes. "is he really gone?"

i nod forcefully. "yeah, sweetie, he really is."

i can see she wants to cry but she puts on a brave face and deals with it. i reach through the front and shake Alex awake. he mumbles an incoherent series of words and says he'll be inside in a minute.

i gesture for Reece to go inside the house and I follow after her. she runs into the kitchen knowing my mom is already in there. i can hear he ogle over her from the foyer and I roll my eyes playfully before stretching.

A pair of arms fit comfortably around my waist and a warm smile creeps on my face.

"Good morning Beautiful." he says in my ear in a husky voice.

"hey handsome." i answer brightly.

"where's Reece?" he asks resting his chin on my shoulder.

"she's already in there with my mom." i explain. "She asked me if he was really dead and so kind of broke inside."

"it's going to be hard. She's going to take it hard. It's her dad. But she still has you." he says looking at the bright side.

"And you." i say.

"But you'll be the main focus in her life and we know it." he says with a shrug. "I'll be there but you two will have this bond that no one will understand."

"but that's okay?"

he nods. "100%"

"Sweetheart." i hear my mother sigh as she walks in. reece rushes over to Alex and hugs his leg hiding behind him.

"Hi mama." i say smoking and hugging her close to me. i've missed her so much.

"how are you holding up?" she asks me

I shrug. "As good as I can be. i wish i was doing better. you should be asking how she is." i gesture to Reece.

"how is she?"

i shrug. "confused? maybe scared? she doesn't think it's real. i wish I could change this for her."

"you're doing that for her by just being there." she tells me

"are you sure?"

"positive. now there are cinnamon rolls cooking so unless you what your sister to eat them."  my mom smirks and i return it.

"Camilla get away from the Cinnamon rolls!" i tell praying my sister left me something