Come Together: The Beatles Talkshow

Behind the Scenes Nonsense

This is a special behind the scenes episode. Since Paul is busy waxing his eyebrows and we're stalling for time, we'll advertise our sponsors: this program is brought to you by Kit Kat. "Have a break, have a Kit Kat!"

Paul: *area around his eyebrows appears red.* What am I supposed to be talking about again? Oh, right! Behind the scenes. Well, it all started back in 1942 on June 18. I was born into a working class family and . . .

Fifteen minutes later.

Paul: Then, at the age of fifteen, I met John and he was like, "Do you want to join my band?" And I was like, "I've got a boy scout camp thing so I'll have to catch you next time." And then . . .

Twenty minutes later.

Paul: So then, I told Jane, "What?!? No, I haven't been having wild parties at the house while you were doing your Broadway thing in America! Don't you know me? I would NEVER do that!" Of course she didn't believe me so she dumped me, which was heartbreaking, really. However, I moved on quickly and married the lovely Linda Eastman . . .

Ten minutes later.

Paul: Then this morning I had smoothie and ran five miles before I put on some skinny jeans and came here. Then I made my way to my dressing room and wax— I mean, combed my hair and then that's when the camera showed up! So there's your behind the scenes! And guess what? It only took forty-five minutes! . . . What do you mean that's not what behind the scenes means? I just gave you the behind the scenes of my entire life, director! *crosses his arms and sulks.*

Camera: *shifts to another dressing room.*

John: *seen in his robe eating a corndog.* Behind the scenes, aye? So what's the exact definition of "behind the scenes"? I won't have to drop my robe, will I? . . . Okay, good. *takes a bite out of his corndog.*

Crickets: *chirping.*

John: *clears his throat and straightens in his chair.* Well, when I was first offered the idea to be on this show I was like, "What? Why would I want to do that? Why would I want to be on television with my old nemeses— I mean, bandmates! *smiles sweetly at the camera.* Then I decided, "What can it hurt?" . . . Well, that's about as behind the scenes as you can get, so let's change the subject.

Camera: *shifts to John digging through his closet.*

John: *scowls at a sweater.* Ew. This looks like something Paul would wear. *chucks it over his shoulder.* Anyway, as I was saying, have you ever wondered what it's like to be a cat? I have. I think it would be groovy to be a cat. They're quiet and keep to themselves and people don't really expect that much attention from them because they're, you know, cats. Now, people expect a lot out of dogs. They're like, "Come here, Spike. Fetch the ball, Spike. Roll over, Spike." They never do that to cats. *tosses another sweater over his shoulder.* Cats are so much better than dogs! And they're not near as stupid! I mean, dogs ARE stupid. They spend hours chasing their tails and barking up trees at squirrels that will never come down. *looks at the camera.* And that was a behind the scenes look at the mind of John Lennon. Make sure to tune it next time, folks. *looks disgustedly at yet another sweater before tossing it as well.*

Camera: *shifts to another dressing room.*

Ringo: *wearing an octopus bathing suit with fins and a snorkel.* Oh, um . . . this is awkward. I was just about go to the pool. Well, if we're going to do an interview, I think this is the wrong attire. Can I, um, change? Can you go to a commercial break?

*commercial break.*

Ringo: *dressed in actual clothes.* Sorry about that. Anyway, since this is behind the scenes, I'd like to get some things off my chest. *narrows his eyes at the camera.* Every time I come out of my dressing room, John is in the hallway singing "God Save the Queen" with a heavy Scouse accent. Also, every day at approximately 10:23 AM, Paul uses the payphone outside the building to call a mysterious number. I'm still trying to figure out who it is . . . And I've caught George reading "Fifty Shades of Gray" in his bathtub before. *shudders.*

Camera: *shifts to Ringo brushing his teeth.*

Ringo: And then there was this one time Paul started jogging up and down the hallways— getting in his cardio —with Sgt. Pepper cranked up to the max on his walkman. I think it's sad he still has a walkman. Another time George accidentally set off the fire alarm and then freaked out because he thought the food cart was going to get soaked with water. *rolls his eyes.* Always worried about food . . . Oh! And also, I found John reading poetry to himself in the mirror one time. Freaky stuff, man . . . *spits toothpaste into the sink.*

Camera: *shifts back to Ringo sitting in his chair.*

Ringo: Well, there's your behind the scenes. *flashes the peace sign.*

Camera: *switches to another dressing room.*

George: *seen meditating.*

Fifteen minutes later.

George: *still meditating.*

Twenty minutes later.

George: *meditating.*

Thirty whopping minutes later.

George: *opens one eye and glares at the camera.* What is this monstrosity of a camera doing in my dressing room? How long have you been here? . . . An hour and five minutes?!? You could have just left and came back another time, you know! . . . You want behind the scenes details? What's that supposed to mean? Do you want me to explain the light settings? This is going to be a boring episode if that's what you want.

Camera: *shifts to George combing his hair in the mirror.*

George: You know, us being up there on stage just talking takes a lot more work than you'd think. First, you've got to get John out of bed, which is no easy job. Then you've got to take the curlers out of Paul's hair without having him say, "That hurts! Stop ripping them out!" Then you've got to get Ringo going to the right studio. One time he got mixed up and walked in on some people filming a horror movie. Scared him to death, the poor lad. And me, well, there are no problems with me. I'm a wonderful person to work with, though some people would probably tell you otherwise.

Camera: *shifts to George sitting in his chair.*

George: *looks past the camera at the director.* You want me to say WHAT? I'm not saying that! I'm not a puppet for this network! Have someone else say it! . . . What do you mean it might get me fired if I don't say it? I don't care if this program is sponsored by those people or not! . . . *sighs loudly and stares menacingly at the camera and says flatly.* This program is brought to you by Kit Kat. "Have a break, have a Kit Kat." Krishna, that is so bad! I can't believe you got me to say—

*commercial break.*