The Protector

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For the second time in years, I pay attention to my dreams instead of letting it play in the background of my subconscious like I do with the rest as they never hold significance. The nightmares seem to be taking a holiday, instead allowing me to look back on the memory from when I first saw a wolf. I'd clearly forgotten about it until now due to our inner wolves removing themselves from our memories to protect us through puberty so we don't go into shock - something Lew told me in our little chat. Though it only does that when raised outside of a pack.

I apparently remember that day in a lot more detail than I would have thought. After all, it is from more than fifteen years ago. I'd been so small, tinier than in the last memory I was shown of my childhood. My cheeks were so chubby, and I wish I could just squish them. The bottom of my belly pokes out from under my shirt that I keep lifting up because of the summer heat. I'm warm enough without the sun making things more difficult. I used to run around in my nappies or underwear just to keep from getting heatstroke.

Gathering from the blanket and boxes of food, we were on a scheduled Sunday picnic. Every month we would try a new location. We'd visited most forests and parks in the towns near us by the time I was four. We were an adventurous family.

The tall dark trees tower high above tiny me, seemingly desperate to touch the clouds. Since this is a memory from a toddler, everything is far bigger than it probably was. The dry mud is cracked from the rare heatwave that hit the country, no wonder Mum has slathered me in sun cream, I can see it shining over my sweat. Despite this being in my mind, I can feel the sun blazing down on my face but the heat isn't there, just the brightness. Though it burns, it always comforts me, knowing the love that will come with this revelation.

The little minx sitting in the middle of the blanket begins screeching at Luke as he bites into the last jam doughnut that she'd called dibs on. Her cheeks puff, rising dramatically in heat while she drills holes into his skull. The other two boys back away in fear, still shy and timid from age.

Luke is quick to drop the desert back onto the plate, holding his hands in the air, apologising profusely. Lulu looks so worried, clearly knowing my anger is a tremendous force that should not be messed with, even at that age.

Mother and Father attempt to calm her down by stroking her back and defending Luke. Miniature hands raise, slapping them away. I'm obviously pushing buttons I shouldn't be, so temperamental.

Father loses his patience, and starts scolding me for being mean and saying that I should apologise. I don't seem to be happy with his opinions, and I release a pissed of howl. It takes us all by surprise, and I use that moment to run off - reckless.

As her baby feet pound against the tough floor, I take a few large strides to follow close by. I already know that she is lost, but I also know that once she realises, she won't care. She's already forming the independence to be the monster she's going to grow into - not necessarily a bad monster, but a demon all the same.

Brown pigtails swing in the wind while angered yells bury themselves in the bark of passing trees that shield her from the mid morning scorch. Elfin fists move to wipe away the tears dripping down her cheeks. Man, I was so dramatic as a kid.

Crashing into a tree, she falls onto her backside from the harsh impact. She doesn't cry in pain, instead bellowing at it for getting in her way. It seems the age when my rage and bitchiness entered my heart was a Hell of a lot earlier than average and it never decided to leave. This scene may be long before anyone in the family left, but it was more manageable when we were all together.

Once she curls up into a ball between two long roots, I slouch down beside her. Gazing into her eyes, I can recall all of the confusion and hatred I experienced for years. I had no idea that an animal sits in my mind, awaiting freedom. But when that animal is finally set free, it is soon pushed back into a cage for seven more years. So many powerful emotions will build up, and eventually explode into self hatred and destructive tendencies. Life is going to throw her so much crap, only pushing her deeper into her angry shrivelled heart.