The Protector

XI

Despite having gone to bed at around ten, I probably only got a couple of hours sleep throughout the night. My brain hasn't been cooperating lately, too busy forcing agonising memories into my dreams. The week has been hard enough without my head trying to minimise my sleep. I guess it is fair that I'm reliving these moments after not knowing about them for so long, but I didn't realise the number of awful moments I'd experienced in my childhood. It's ridiculous how many times I got myself in danger.

There's one memory that has been sticking out the most from a few nights back. We'd all gone out to the park after Dad died. Mum was busily trying to control Luke and Jake's fight, distracting her from keeping her eyes on the two youngest children. She was new to the single parenting scene, so it is forgivable. Especially when there are two brats tumbling about over a slice of cake.

I'd probably been about four at the time, still tiny but ferocious. I'd been placed in the pram an hour prior to keep me from running off. I was quite happily watching the whole ordeal but then noticed Lew's absence. I'd somehow learnt how to unstrap myself prior and so I used the skill to sneak away as our Mother wasn't responding to my complaints about Lewis being missing.

I found the boy chasing a colourful butterfly, always an innocent baby. As I was toddling over to him, some strange woman approached him with a weirdly speckled pink lollipop. Of course he was shy towards the new individual but wanted the sweet nonetheless. For an eight year old, he was far too trusting.

I'd immediately sensed that something was wrong with her just by the weird shadow that masked her eyes. As I approached, Lew caught sight of me. Inevitably, she was also alerted of my presence. She was quick to offer me an equally bizarre lolly in the hopes I would be compliant. Sniffing at it, I glared as it smelt chemically.

Grasping Lewis' hand, I'd started trying to tug him away. He instantly dropped the sweet, trusting my judgement more than his own. He willingly followed after me. She definitely didn't approve since she grabbed our wrists and tried dragging us away.

Lewis instantly started bawling loudly about wanting to go back to our Mum because her rough handling was scary and hurting his wrist. Seeing his tears, I lost control and bit through her hand hard enough to shatter the bones and tear it apart. She screamed and dropped us both.

However, as Lew ran away crying, she pulled me back and hit me for hurting her. I was very unimpressed and began scratching at any part of her I could reach with my claws. I was sinking my canines into any limb that passed my face. Eventually, she fell to the floor in pain, suffering from tremendous blood loss as I'd severed several arteries and veins.

The memory ends with Lewis dragging Mum over to the scene with an angry Luke and Jake behind them. They were all shocked to find me still hitting and screaming at the offender despite the few injuries I'd collected myself. I was too wrapped up in punishing her for frightening my brother to care that she was already unconscious.

Clearly I have always been impulsive and unstable when protecting my family but it gets the job done effectively. There are so many new snippets from my past where I have let my anger and animalistic nature take over. I'm pretty sure there is even one from primary school where I stabbed someone through the centre of their hand for insulting my inability to focus enough to figure out an equation.

Every night, without fail, I am compelled to stay awake to think about things I want to pay no attention to or I am forced to relive horrendous moments from my life. I've had plenty of nightmares in the past, but knowing they are my genuine experiences makes it far worse.

I set an alarm on my phone last night which starts screaming down my ear to get my arse out of bed. Groaning, I flip over in the hopes of getting at least five more minutes of sleep before Luke comes rushing in to drag me from my safe haven. The lack of sleep may not be obvious to others yet, but it is really starting to affect me. I'm constantly lethargic and can't focus on anything other than the backs of my eyes for more than two seconds.