Life with Franta

chapter 16

THE LETTER: 

Dear Connor,

I don't know where to begin or where to even start this letter. I'm not very good at writing letters, so please excuse my use of words and feelings you're about to read from this old, piece of paper I have ripped out of my notebook and scribbled everything I feel about you onto the paper. 

There is no excuse or reasonable reason to why this happened to us. To why this fucked up "relationship" of ours is so out of whack. I don't have a reasonable reason to why I'm even writing you this letter because I don't have a reason, I just need to write it. I'm tired of keeping everything I have and feel inside me when I should be telling you this face to face. I'm obviously not strong enough to tell you everything face to face. You probably don't want anything to do with me. And that's okay. You won't have to see me anymore. Because after you read this, I will probably be packing my things away ready to leave in the morning to go back to California. You don't have to deal with my problems anymore. No more seeing things anymore. No more dreams. Just facing reality. 

I don't want you mad at me and I don't want you chasing after me. I don't even want you to text me saying you've read this because I don't want to hear from you again. I know that is what you wanted in the first place right? The day you moved out of this room and sharing a room with Ricky, even though you could get caught and sent back over here. That is okay too...because this time you won't have to come back to me. You won't have to witness me crying in the middle of the night from a dream that seemed so real it fucked up everything I ever thought and believed.

i have no idea why this happened or what it will do for me in the future. I don't want it to effect what we had between each other. I don't even know what we were. I fucked everything we ever could have had and I still continue to mess things up. And when I go back to California, I'm going to go into treatment. Maybe I will write you a letter or two explaining my time there and everything I have learned about myself, but fuck, it's so damn hard. Life with you is so complicated, and I don't blame you if you throw away this letter before it is even finished. I don't blame you if you think I'm crazy, I know I am.

And I'm sorry for the ways things have gone. For the way I have treated you and made you out to be. I can't even imagine how broken you must feel. I would be an idiot if I told you that you weren't aloud to be say, you SHOULD be sad. For me? I don't know anymore. I don't think I even have feelings anymore. I don't deserve them with the way I have put you through things. I don't know what else to do or say other than I'm sorry....and even then that isn't enough. 

The dreams I had and all the things we were living in them were so fucked up. "our friends," my parents, everyone else that was in there isn't the person they are. I don't even know how I know those people. I don't even know how I could possibly find out you were a youtuber, but it doesn't matter anymore. It's done. 

I don't want you to blame yourself for not telling me that you're a youtuber or whatever they call it. I don't blame you for not telling me at all. It should have never been my business. And you should have been sad, or pissed, or whatever you felt at the time. You had every right to feel I should have judged you even though I wouldn't have judged. I just wish all this wouldn't have gotten out of hand. I'm just rambling now.

I love you and I always will. You don't even have to say it back outloud or in your mind when reading this because I don't care. I don't care if you don't love me back. I just want you to be happy, wihtout me. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to wake up and believe we are dating or married when the night before we were fighting. Or the other way around. I just want you to be happy without me. Please do that for me. DON'T COME CHASING AFTER ME.

I promise you that I won't fuck up your life anymore. I'm sorry for having all your friends turn their backs on you because of me. I'm sorry things are so fucked up in general. I'm just sorry.

I guess this is goodbye. And I apologize if this is hard to read. My handwriting may look nice, but the tears that are starting to pour onto this paper is making it a lot hader to continue and write. I can't get you out of my mind but this is what I have to do. I don't see any other choices. 

Love, 

Mackenzie 

THE VIDEO:

"Hi guys, it's Connor. I know I have a lot of explaining to do, and the reasons why I have been missing for the past few months. I met someone. A girl. We aren't dating though...I'm not even sure we are even friends. Anyway, as you all know, I go to college. A lot of people date when they are in college. My roommate was this girl. With my school, there are two separate colleges, one for girls and one for guys. That being said, the dorm rooms are separate. Long story short, there wasn't enough room at my school so I had to be booked a room with this beautiful girl named Mackenzie. It started off great. We got along, and she was really pretty. I wanted to get to know here. There was something about her that made me terrified. I was terrified when I was around her. I don't know why."

"I don't know what is was but I began to get nervous with her and my whole youtube thing. I had never told her. I had always assumed she would only find out if I had told her. I kept stressing about it, but nothing really happened."

"A couple of weeks ago, things started to happen to Mackenzie. I will be honest, it still frightens to me this day that something like that happened to her, will happen again eventually. She started to have these nightmares, or I guess dreams...about us. About me. Mainly about our life together. Honestly, I'm not going to go in detail because none of that matters. I just want you all to know the truth. I want you all to know that I am so sorry I have been missing for a couple of months. I didnt't plan for any of this to happen."

"I want you all to know you all mean something to me. I don't care who you are or what you believe in, I really do care about all of you. I know this is going to be hard. I know what you're going to hear is going to kill most of you inside. Believe me, that is the last thing I want to do. But I also want you to understand how hurt I am right now. How this is affecting me not only emotionally, but physically. I've lost all of my friends to be quite honest. I don't know where or what I will be doing in the future and honestly I don't care. But for now, I'm quitting youtube."

"Please don't blame Mackenzie for any of this. Believe me this would have happened eventually. Right now I have a lot to deal with and I don't have the time to make and edit videos. Don't think that i  have fully given up on you guys because I haven't. I just really need to figure out who I am and what I want to be."

"I hope you all understand and if you don't, I'm sorry. I never meant for this to happen. I don't want this to happen. Don't think I am doing this for the girl either, believe me....she's probably out of my life right now. The sad thing is, I want to go after and chase her....but what is the point anymore. I fucked up. I made everyone hate her and for a short period of time....I hated her too. I think that was the stupid mistake I have ever made.

"Thank you all for watching, and I hope one day in the future I will come back fully prepared and energized to make an amazing channel for you all...but for now. I'm gone. I'm deleting this channel for a while and I won't be on twitter as much anymore. It's just how it has to be, goodbye."