Life with Franta

chapter 18.

MACKENZIE'S POV

After what happened between Connor and I, things were a lot different for me. Mainly emotionally, but also physically Things weren't the same with him, being without him was different, it was strange. I wasn't used to the feeling of being empty, I never felt like this. I don't know how I became like this or what chose me to be this way. Those few weeks when we were partying and having a blast seemed nothing more than normal, those dreams ruined my life, and I can't rewind.y

I'm sitting in the airport ready to board my plane, I have a two hour layover so I had some spare time. I would finally go back to Los Angeles and see my parents, my parents who were going to tell me they were right. They were going to tell me how much getting involved with music and being myself would change me as a person. I wish I could tell them the truth. I wish I could be the one to tell them that they were the wrong ones, I guess things change sometimes.

I don't know what I was expecting when I came here to Minnesota. I thought everything was going to be different. I thought the way I wanted to present myself and the person I wanted to be was going to finally be revealed, finally become something other than ordinary. I guess I was born to be someone ordinary. I wanted to be extraordinary. I wanted a lifestyle that I was set for, something I would be happy and proud about. 

During this process I became something ugly. I became someone who was the opposite of those things. Something changed the way I thought about things, the way I dreamt about things. Those things becoming something real. It wasn't as if I wanted something to change this year, I just thought I would finally figure out who I was. Who I wanted to be. 

I kept checking my phone to see if Connor or anyone else was going to say goodbye, but I had nothing. I didn't expect anything from them. I wasn't a true friend to half of them anyway, and I made them all seem crazy when I was the crazy one all along. Again, things change.

I check my email and notice an attachment from someone that used to be in my Digital Media class. The top read YOU REALLY NEED TO SEE THIS, WHAT HAS COME TO BE OF CONNOR FRANTA. Attached to it was a video. The title of it was called "A new Chapter" I wanted to believe this was going to be one of Connor's comedy videos but I was curious. Why would someone I rarely talk to send me something. So, I clicked on it.

I shoved headphones into my ears as hard as I could, I probably jammed them so far in my ears I would need some serious massages just to get it right. The video began, and something changed within the way I thought about Connor, forever.

"What's up you guys it's Connor and this week is gonna be a little different. I've been avoid trying to talk to you about something for a really, really long time now, and I just need you to listen and hear me out. That's all I can really ask for."

My heart starts to race because I start to begin to think of all the things he is going to say. I'm almost terrified and wanting to stop this video, but now that I have started I don't think I can stop. 

"I like to think that I come across as a really happy, positive, in general well-put together person, but that's not always the case. I mean to you guys it may seem that way all the time, because you see portions of my life...the good portions really. It's not always that way. It's not always good."

His face drops immediately and I can see the hurt in his face. He almost looks like he is going to cry. There's no background music, no smiles, no humor. This video is going to go downhill fast, and I'm not prepared for this.

"I'm just a person just like you guys and I struggle a lot, with a lot of things. I have a lot going on in my life I have a lot going on with youtube, I have a lot going on with my friends, I have a lot going on with Mackenzie, I have a lot going on with my family...I have a lot of personal things I'm dealing with behind the camera."