Life with Franta

chapter 19.

*Connor's POV*

She was gone, she was actually gone, I thought to myself. Now I'm stuck in this messy empty room of mine and I have no one to talk to. All of my friends hate me, Jc won't even look at me. Hell, Ricky won't even talk to me. I really screwed up. I fucking screwed up.

I think the hardest thing to do was to tell the whole world I have been unhappy. It would be an understatement if I told you that I'm slowly becoming the guy that she had always dreamed in her dreams. It breaks my heart that I'm becoming that guy, someone I never believed I would ever become. It hurts. It hurts so bad. 

Trying to believe that things could work our for the better isn't something I can contemplate very well. Sitting in front of that camera while I told the whole world I was unhappy, that I had been lacking so much in my videos. I wish I could have told them the truth, it wasn't all because I was sad. They knew that, they knew that all together I wasn't happy from the beginning. Before I met Mackenzie. Before any of this happened. Before the fights. Before the dreams. Before ever letting her go, the one thing that mattered most to me. I let her slip through my fingers, and now here I am sitting in this empty room wishing I could have done things better. Sometimes, things just don't work out the way you want them to.

I kept checking my phone to see if anyone had texted me. Only a few friends who had no clue anything that had been going on in my life, told me he was sorry for everything. I couldn't blame him. I wanted to tell him that it was okay, that it wasn't his fault. Of course it wasn't his fault, it wasn't anybody's fault but my own. I got myself into this mess, I let myself get in the way. I didn't let her get a chance to explain.

 I knew she was messed up. I knew from the very first week when she would always be distant around me and then the next she would act like she liked me. I had always thought it was because she carried multiple personalities, but only if I knew later on it was because she was fucked up. 

I throw my phone against the wall as it smashes into pieces. It makes a mess on the floor just around the empty desk that once used to be Mackenzie's. Not like the room was any cleaner than it was.

I move to her bed, laying myself across from it. There was nothing on the bed but an empty cold mattress. I curl in a ball, letting the scent cascade through my nostrils and into my brain. It smelled like vanilla. I loved the smell of vanilla.

I walk over to the front of the room and shut off all the lights. It was dark in the room except for the small light coming through the slits in the blinds from the sunset. It was going to get dark soon, and I was still going to be stuck in this spot till the morning. I had classes, but who cared. I never bothered to go to half of them anymore. Not since Mackenzie left. Things weren't the same anymore. 

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew the door to the room busts open, and I can hear voices. Male voices. I was so lost in thought that I hadn't realized that it was Jc and Ricky. They were sitting on the bed across from me. I didn't turn around, but I could tell they were looking at me. Judging me. Wanting me to get off this damn bed and explain myself. But I wasn't going to explain myself. They didn't deserve an explanation. I know it may have been rude, and I may have been overreacting, but I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to talk to anyone anymore. I wanted to be left alone.

"You're pathetic." Jc murmurs and laughs.

"Are you here to keep insulting me, because if you are it's not working." I say, still facing the wall. Ricky clears his throat, Jc does the same.

"You're pathetic." Jc says again and I clench my fists and bite on the side of my cheek. 

"You already said that."

"No. I mean you're pathetic because you're still sitting here instead of doing something about it." Jc explains.

"About what?" I ask and roll over towards them. I looked at Jc's face, he still had a big bruise from the other night. Ricky had bags under his eyes. They both looked terrible. They looked as worse as I did.

"About Mackenzie, dickwad." Jc says.

"Listen, Connor. I know things between us all have been different. You leaving the channel was the hardest thing for all of us. We never planned for any of this to happen. We never planned for you to become so attached to Mackenzie. We wanted you happy and we wanted you to finally see something you had never seen before. We just wanted you to feel something." Ricky finally speaks. I sit up from the bed and dangle my feet.  I bite my lip.

"That's just it, Ricky. I don't feel a damn thing." I lied. And they knew it.

"Bullshit." Jc calls. Ricky leaves the room, annoyed.

"You know, if you're only here to make me feel like shit then please leave. I don't need you to sit here and tell me what I already know. I don't want you to sit here and tell me how much of a failure I am because I already know. Nothing is new, Jc."

Jc looks down at his feet and then back up with me. I know he is trying to come up with a better response than what he is going to say, but he cannot seem to find any words. I don't say anything Silence fills the air, the room becoming silent as ever. It seemed strange, to be in this place anyway. It didn't seem like home anymore, it seemed vacant, strange. Unfamiliar if you could call it. Something about this room suffocated me, I couldn't leave it. 

"Get the fuck over yourself, Connor. Are you really trying to imply that all of this is because of me? I have done nothing for this, it's only you. You simply didn't have to move out that day Mackenzie told you all of that. She needed help, and you never gave that to her."

He was right.

"She needed someone to be there for her and help her through all of this."

He was right again. I didn't even ask her if she was okay, I simply freaked out and left.

"Most importantly, she needed someone to tell her that she wasn't crazy and that no matter what someone will always be there for you. And honestly Connor, I thought you were going to be that man for her. Everything she went through, everything she ever told you wasn't a lie. So what if you never told her about your youtube, it shouldn't have turned out that way. But fuck Connor, you can't be stuck in this room every night and skipping class because she isn't gong to be back. You're the only one who can change that. Only you." Jc explains.

I sit up from the bed and look at Jc straight in the face. I may have been angry with him, and the thought of me actually punching him in the face haunts me, but he was a good speaker. He knew all the right things to say. I walk over to him and hug him. He starts laughing as I wrap my arms around him.

"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." I repeat over and over again.

"You're welcome." He laughs again and I pull away.

"You're right," I begin and start running around the room and grab the many things I  had brought earlier. Packing a small bag I had brought with me earlier. "i have to make things right this time, for once."

"Good." Jc smiles. He's sitting on the bed again and laughs at the sight of me running around the room trying to pack a bag that I probably won't even need.

"I need to find her and explain to her that it was all my fault. To explain that she should stay. Convince her that I do care about her and willing to get help for her the way she needs it to. I know she said she needed to save herself, but it's killing me inside." I'm running out of breath.

"Do what you have to do, just please, if you're going to come back, please go back to class. I really don't want to be responsible for another outbreak on you again if things don't work out." I laugh and punch him in the arm.

"Oh shut up." I throw a pillow at him again. 

"Go find your girl before it's too late." He says and I bolt out of the room and towards my car.

I drove to the one place I knew she would be at. She was going home. I needed to get to the airport fast.