Life with Franta

chapter 21.

MACKENZIE'S POV

I was walking down the halls of my new college dorm at Stanford and it was something different. It didn't feel right to me, being here, being here in California didn't seem right. I had to be here because I needed help. I needed to figure out why I was like this and why I had felt the way I had felt. Leaving Connor was harsh on my part, and I knew it was going to be harsh for him. I couldn't lead him on and make him believe that everything was going to be okay for me when I know in my heart that wasn't the case. I needed to figure myself out before I can figure out anyone else out. That was just how it worked in my book.

I got roomed with a red haired girl with tattoos and piercings and she was everything I had dreamed of being. She was really nice and we got along just great. Her boyfriend was the smartest kid in the entire school, but I should have expected that. Everyone here was smart, no kidding. I was surprised by myself when I was accepted in here, although I knew part of it was because my parents bought my way in here. They gave me a lecture on why it wasn't a good idea to be living there and the reason why I should have moved rooms a long time ago. I wish I could believe them, but a part of me knows that isn't the case.

Through the many ups and downs that me and Connor had, most of it had to do with me dreaming. None of the things that really affected me were in the present, it was all based reality. I wanted to believe it was some phase, but it kept getting worse. I wanted to get to the bottom of it, i needed to get out of there.

"Do you want to come to Jack's party tonight? It will be a lot of fun!" My roommate Hunter asks me. I shake my head back and forth.

"No, I mean I want to it's just that, I think I need some time by myself. I have only been here for a week and I think I need some more time to settle in." I knew that I was being utterly ridiculous and my instincts knew that I wanted to go to a party, but another part f me wanted to make sure that Connor was okay. I wanted to call him, but I knew I couldn't. He moved on already. He had to have been.
 
Hunter moves across the room and sits on her bed. She was wearing this incredibly tight black dress that resembled something that I had worn at one of the parties in Minnesota. Hunter was like a cooler version of me, although she probably wasn't as fucked up as me.

"You have been doing the same thing every weekend trying to get settled in. I know what happened at your old school sucked, but sitting here and regretting everything isn't going to change it. You need to have some fun and make yourself believe you will get better."
 
I laugh and roll my eyes. What was she even talking about? "I don't think it's that simple, I just need a little more time." I beg.

"Oh, please. You're just going to sit here like you usually do and watch that damn video and stare at your phone and want for that asshole to call you. You don't need him Mackenzie. There are plenty of other guys out there who will understand what you're going through. He's nothing anymore, he's trash. Forget about him and come with me. You will have fun, I promise." She grins at me.

I look at her and the way she was dressed, the way she was ready to have fun and get drunk and not worry about her studies or drama or anything else of that sort. She wanted to spend time with her friends. It was the first time I ever had a real genuine friend. I wanted to remember Lindsay and Andrea, but they stopped speaking to me a long time ago. They were still completely grossed out. I wouldn't blame them.

"No, I think I will just stay here. I'm tried anyway." I lie.

"You're fucking lame. Suit yourself. I know that Daniel is going to be completely heartbroken when he finds out you won't be coming again."

"Again?" I ask. Daniel was a kid in my photography class who has liked me ever since I had helped him on this one project. He was really nice and cute, but I could never see myself with him. He wasn't popular or a geek or anything. He didn't have anything special about him. He liked to read and write and he was big into news, but I would have never suspected he liked me. What was there to like about me anyway?