Life with Franta

chapter 17.

We sat there for a few moments, gazing into each other's eyes. His hand was into mine and he pulled me in closer, letting the cold thin air hit me on the arms. Even as he was hugging me it was still cold. Cold like my heat and I feel guilty. I don't know why, I just do. 

"You make me so happy," he smiles and presses his head against mine. "You know that I love you a lot." He says again, my heart snapping at every word he was saying. Why does it have to hurt like this?

"I love you too, but..."

"But what?" His face drops to the floor and he lets me go. My eyes start to form tears in my eyes at the thought of leaving him. I don't have any other choice. 

"You know that I am still leaving tomorrow morning whether we make up or not." I say.

"What?" His voice cracks into a million pieces like my heart. 

"You know I don't want this. You know I wish I could stay but I can't."

"Please, don't do this. You can stay. What can I do to make you stay?" He grabs onto my wrist and I jerk away. The thought of him touching me like this makes me want to miss him more, and it makes me want to stay, but I can't. I need to figure out so many things before I jump into a relationship with him. I need to figure out what is wrong with me.

"Because I need to figure out who I am Connor. I need to figure out what is wrong with me and how to stop this. I don't want to keep dating you and end up fucking up like last time. I don't want you ruining your chance at becoming who you want to be because you're too worried about me. I don't want to fuck up any of your friendships with people."

"You haven't done any of that Mackenzie. It is all in your head." I want to believe what he is saying is true but i know it's not. 

it's already late and I'm tired. I had been crying most of the night and my eyes were all red and puffy. I knew that if I didn't get back to my dorm soon that I wouldn't be able to finish packing. My parents would be here in the morning to help me load the stuff in the car. I didn't need to explain to them that I have been hanging out with Connor. Maybe they are right, I should have gotten a room change when I needed it. I should have complained to the DA that a guy was living with me and it was unacceptable. 

I wish I wouldn't have let my life get this far. I don't believe I was ever like this before. I need to figure out what is wrong with me. The only way I can do that is to fly back home and forget any of the past couple of months have existed. 

"It's not all in my head. If you would have known all the things that have gone in my head in the last month in a half you'd realize how fucked up I am. I need help, Connor. The only way I can do that is if I get out of this place. It's no good for me."

"But you're good for me." He grabs a hold of my hand again and kisses it. My heart breaks every time he kisses my hand lightly. He rubs circles on my hand and he pulls in a hug.

"I know I have been a rel handful lately. I know I always haven't been the best for you. I know that is must be hard to have all these crazy dreams when you can't control it. It must be scary that you can't help me along with any of it. Trust me, I wish I could stay....I just can't." The words tumble out of my mouth, stuttering every word out. I don't know why I was nervous, I just was.

I looked at Connor in his eyes and noticed something strange. His eyes were all red and puffy and I notice that when he talked he was angry and slurring. I never noticed it up until now. Was he drinking or smoking?

"Connor?" I look at him cock eyed. He stares at me and his hands are in his jean pockets, looking nervous as ever. Why?

"Have you been drinking?" I ask, afraid of the answer.

"Why do you care?" He snaps.

"I don't. But," I can't finish my sentence before he snaps back at me causing more anger than ever.

"You know what? Fuck this! This is exactly why I moved out in the first place. You are so god damn nosy. You only care about yourself and you only care if someone is high or drunk. Last time I checked, we no longer live together so why the hell do you care? Why do you care if I would miss you or not? Why the hell do you care what I do anymore. Just go!" He spits.

I'm shocked when I hear those words come out of his mouth. I had never heard of Connor talking like that before, only in my dreams. I had to shake my head a couple of times to make sure it wasn't a dream....it was real alright and I didn't like it one bit. I actually had to go through drunk Connor for the first time, and I had no idea how to react in situations like this.

"Just go!" He yells again but I don't move. I don't say anything. This time I was going to let him speak his mind before I get out of his for good. I'll let all those words sting me for the night and forget about them in the morning.

Before he could say anything else, I notice Jc walking across campus with his face all bloody. I run up to him worried.

"What happened?" I asked, although he rarely knows who I am.

"Ask your fucking psycho boyfriend." He spits and walks towards the nurse's office across campus and doesn't look back. 

Angry as I am, I walk back towards Connor and I become angry as I ever been. I don't know why I keep caring about him so much but I do. And I don't know why I keep fighting him, but I do. Also, I don't know why I keep loving him, but I do. As much anger that has built up inside me in the past few seconds, I become content. The realization of what this has become is insane and it's only a matter of time before it all ends and I'm stuck in this little world that I can't escape and I don't think I want to escape it.

When I turn back around to ask what happened, he was gone, and that was it. It was over