Life with Franta

Chapter twenty-five

After saying everything that had been on my mind ever since I had processed Connor had killed himself, I felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders. It wasn't because I felt guilty anymore because I knew I wasn't the reason he really killed himself although it may have seemed that way, I realized along with everyone in the entire room he just wasn't happy with himself, and it sucked because Connor was someone everyone enjoyed and loved and most people had no idea of his behaviors.

I had always blamed myself for everything happening in Connor's life when really I was only a small part of it. I knew Jc and most of the guys still resent me because of what happened, but after explaining everything at the funeral they seemed to understand my point of view. I was glad I wasn't really alone in this situation. 

Once the funeral ended, his parents were hosting a small party in remembrance of Connor and invited me, Jc, Ricky and every one of his friends. I wanted to decline the offer and say I have to catch the next flight out to California, but I didn't want to seem rude and just flake out on everyone when I already made a huge scene of myself in front of everyone. Besides, after really meeting Connor's parents the first and real time, they were much better in real life than in my dreams. His mom was so sweet and I really didn't want to make her upset so I decided to ride with Jc towards his house.

The car ride wasn't silent but it wasn't loud either. It was just me and Jc and listening to some of Connor's favorite songs. An Ed Sheeran song begins to play and I instantly get memories of Connor dancing to the song at one of the first parties I went to. I begin to smile widely remembering the incident. Jc takes one hand of the steering wheel and brushes his hair with his fingers and looks at  me.

"What are you thinking about?" 

"This song - Connor has always loved Ed. This was the first song I saw him really dance to at one of the parties at the beginning of the year. I can't believe the year is almost over, and now that Connor is gone I feel like it's only going to go by faster." I tell him. He laughs slightly.

"I don't know about that. A year has gone by and nothing but insane drama has unfolded with all of us. We all will have to get used to Connor not being here, it's going to be hard." He breathes and begins to turn into the right lane of the highway, another Ed song begins to play.

He was right it was going to take a little getting used to Connor not being here. And even so, half the time all of this was going on I was so focused on myself and getting away from everything and thinking that I was the one with the problems and I was the reason Connor had those problems was idiotic of me. I spent half the time away and not even caring as much as his actual friends and I can't help to think that if I had stayed a month ago back in Minnesota if things would have changed. 

"Jc," I whisper.

"Yeah?" 

"Do you think things would have ended differently if I didn't walk out on Connor a month ago? If I had watched the video and chased after him like he wanted me to do you think he would have killed himself?"

The car goes silent and he turns down the music. He doesn't say anything for a few minutes as we are on the highway and I wonder if he really is thinking about the question or not. I can see in the corner of his eyes that they are watering and he is trying so hard to not let it get to him, but I know the more time we talk about Connor he will break. 

Just when I'm about to change the subject, he finally answers my questions.

"I'm not sure." He pauses for a moment and gathers himself together like he was picking himself up off the floor or was catching his breath. Jc was a strong guy and never really showed much affection but when he does it's heartbreaking. "I don't know if he would or not. I just remember driving the car to find him and he was yelling and screaming. I remember getting out of the car and trying to find him and stepping on puddles of blood thinking an animal died, but not really thinking I was actually stepping on Connor's blood."