My Unrequited Love

Chapter 35: Guilt

Jazz's POV

We were standing face to face. I've been dreading this situation for a while now. Am I ready? I guess, I will never be.

Huminga ako ng malalim saka nagsalita. "Renzell, what are we going to talk about?"

Kahit na alam ko naman kung tungkol saan ang pag-uusapan namin, nagtanong pa rin ako.

He took a deep breath and looked directly at my eyes. "Dominique, Zia and I are just friends-"

I cut him off. "Zell, I knew everything. No need to lie."

Shock was written all over his face. He then knotted his forehead. "What do you mean-- you knew?"

I let out a deep breath and smiled sadly at him. "I knew everthing from the start. About you and Zee. That's why I decided to come back here."

"You're.. lying." Hindi makapaniwalang sambit niya.

I shook my head. Then I closed my eyes. I gathered all my strength that I could muster. Minulat ko iyong mga mata ko pagkatapos. "No, I'm not. I'm sorry, Renzell. For everything."

As I uttered those words, I saw how his world crumbles. His expression changes from one emotion to another. There was disbelief, anger, pain, betrayed, and fear. Naghalo-halo ang lahat ng 'yon.

His mouth gaped open. Then he looked at me with no emotion in his eyes.

'That's it, Renzell. Be angry at me. Put a distance between us. Para mas mapadali ang lahat ng 'to. Para hindi na ako mahirapan. At para hindi kita masaktan.'

I equal his stare. Pinipilit kong maging matapang. Maging matatag. Because at the end of all of this, I only have myself. There's no Renzell Zapanta in my life anymore. And that hurts. Big time.

Nanatili kaming tahimik. Then I decided to broke the silence. Kailangan ko nang tapusin ang lahat ng ito ngayon. Kaagad. Kasi hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan ko kayang tumagal na nakaharap sa kanya nang hindi umiiyak.

"I manipulated everything. When Tita George told me that you're sort of seeing someone, I panicked. I was terrified. I told myself, 'Hindi pwede! You must do something, Jazz!', kasi ayokong tuluyang mawalan ng papel sa buhay mo. I don't want what if's. I don't want to regret that I didn't do anything. Kaya bumalik ako. And when I first saw you after so many years, the first words you uttered to me, 'Do I know you?' Damn. That hurts me a lot. Ganoon ba talaga kalala ang galit mo sakin? I kept asking that to myself."

"I was so hurt and devastated when you left. What do you expect? I just can't let you be in my life again that easily." Nagtatagis ang bagang niya. Nakakuyom din ang mga kamao niya.

Naiintindihang tumango ako sa kanya. "Alam ko. That's why I chose to ask my parents a favor. When our parents announced about our engagement, you were right when you accused me na ginusto ko 'yon. That was the favor I asked from them. I know that I am wicked. A selfish. Wala akong pakialam kahit na alam kong may masasaktan ako. Kahit na alam kong may Zia sa buhay mo. 'Yon lang kasi ang tanging paraan na naisip ko para makabalik sa buhay mo. I'm sorry if I have hurt you, Renzell."

Napapikit siya ng mariin. He was trying to calm himself. "If you're sorry, why are you hurting me again? Fuck, Dominique. Why did you called off the engagement?"

Napapantastikuhang tinitigan ko siya. Napaawang ang labi ko. "Renzell, I saw you with her. You were hugging her. And I also heard what she told you. I don't want to be the villain anymore. You both deserve happiness. That's why I'm letting you go."

"Damn, but I don't want you to let me go!" He said desperately. Fear is in his eyes.

He took a step forward. Napaatras naman ako. Hindi ko alam pero nagsimulang bumilis na naman ang tibok ng puso ko.